Really lost and looking for ideas (long - sorry!)

[DizzySometimes]

Hi there. I hope you don?t mind me posting here but, like other stepmums, I don?t really have a safe place to try and resolve things that are troubling me.

Firstly, I know my situation is a lot better than most ? my husband?s ex is reasonable with arrangements and my stepson is a good kid. However, I am really struggling with a few issues and I don?t really know what to do. We have my stepson every other weekend, which seems to work pretty well, but there are a couple of things about this that bother me.

For instance, these weekends can sometimes be altered at the last minute. As an example, my husband called me last Thursday to say that, even though we were meant to be having DSS the following day, his ex had contacted him to say that it was Easter, which was her weekend, and therefore we were going to have to switch. For some reason, this irked me ? I guess because it?s not like Easter suddenly happens, and it feels like she?s pretty disorganised and we?re expected to make changes and be flexible. Now, whilst I don?t mind be flexible, it just feels like she takes the mick sometimes, and I don?t feel that that flexibility comes back to us when we want to drop off DSS later (have to have him back by 7pm, which means that what we can do on Sundays feels a bit limited given it?s at least half an hour to get back, and we need to eat, etc.). I just wish both my husband and his ex would actually communicate these things a little better rather than suddenly realising the schedule needs changing. I don?t really know what to do about this ? I think my husband knew I was a little annoyed about the short notice, but rushed in to tell me that his ex is also flexible which I?m not sure I agree with. I guess sometimes I would do things differently to DH, and him and his ex just bumble along. I don?t think this works so well when there are other affected ? DSS and myself. Any suggestions on this?

The other thing, and I know it?s been discussed on here before, is the schedule. This schedule was put in place when my DSS was really young (about 2 or 3, I think) and he?s now almost 15. Am I unreasonable to think it might be worth asking DSS what he wants with regards to when he comes to ours? We live about an hour away from DSS, so I can imagine there may be social stuff going on that he could be missing out on. I?ve asked DH whether he envisages the schedule continuing, and he?s said he does, until DSS goes to college. Whilst I think it?s great he wants to see his son (and I can totally understand it, and support it), I just wonder if it?s realistic to assume he?s going to want to spend time the same amount of time with his Dad rather than seeing friends, and whether we should be more flexible around that expectation.

Additionally, I?ve suggested to DH that perhaps we mention to DSS about having a friend to stay at some point ? I know it?s something I really enjoyed at that age! However, DH doesn?t think this is a good idea (because of the organising involved), but I feel aggravated that it?s not even something he would consider ? there are times when I think DSS is a bit bored, and that he?d enjoy having a friend here, but my idea gets shot down.
Any ideas? I know I?m not the parent, but I?m just a bit frustrated. I feel that my thoughts and feelings don?t really have value and there are times it really gets me down.

Thanks for listening!

Ultimately, ur heart is in the right place as ur clearly trying to help but ur DP is the one in the driving set and he's clearly not up for listening to ur suggestions which on one hand is understandable as he's the dad but on the other is frustrating cos ur trying to help. Unfortunately u have only a couple of choices as I see it.

1. Accept that he's happy how things are and will do it hs way.
2. U try to talk to him about how the situation makes u feel and point out ur trying to support him but would like to be able to do more and get involved.

What is ur relationship like? Does he listen to u about what u want from ur relationship? these will be indicators for u of your likelihood of success.

Ultimately I totally understand your frustration, but I think if it was me I would try to find a good time to talk about to see he he feels about it input. That's the joy of being a SP - u sometimes have to go with things u don't agree with as their not ur kids. It's a toughie but I know others will drop by to offer a different slant. Keep smiling, it's good tht u care, u sound like a good influence in DSS life. Sorry I can't offer much more:)

Thanks, Lostinsuffolk, for your reply - I appreciate it. I agree with you about the options.

Generally, our relationship is really good and he does listen to what I have to say about it. I think you're right - I need to ask him what he feels about the input I'm giving, and will go from there. Ultimately, I will support him, but when it affects my life as well, it's something that I'd like to have some say in, if that makes any sense.

As others have said, it's great to have somewhere like this forum to just get these things out so they don't fester!

Thanks again.

The lack of input and control over your own life is the most frustrating thing I have found in my experience.

I feel a bit sorry for your DSS not being able to have friends round and to juggle the rota a bit to suit him. I don't think you're wrong to question changing that. I also don't think you're wrong to be upset that Easter Weekend (a quite significant weekend) was changed right at the last minute and you have no say or input in that decision making. Sounds like your DP just wants a quiet life and for things to stay the same, but by involving you in his life, he has to realise that things have to fit in with your wants and needs just as much as everyone elses. You are not more important but you are equally as important and you are 50% of your relationship. Just because children are involved, it doesn't change that fact. Everyone in your family unit should feel they have a right to be heard, everyone should be prepared to compromise, not just you.

I have a son from a previous relationship, so I can see things from the other side, so when my notoriously unreliable ex lets down my son for an access weekend, I still make sure that DP gets some quality time with me alone and that DS learns that plans don't change just because he is with us, life still goes on and I try and adjust things by talking to DP and getting everyone to compromise a bit. However, my DSC have learnt that the world revolves around them and adults plans change on their whims because DP enables that.

DP are waiting for relate counselling and have been waiting for months and months. We went to a private counsellor for 1 session but it turned out that she knows DP ex , so it has put me right off private counselling.

So, I don't have any answers for you, but I do know exactly where you are coming from!

I am a stepmum and was a stepdaughter, so don't think this comes totally from the left field!

But how do you get on with the ex? I mean you have known this child for a long long time, and she obviously trusts you with him. Have you thought about talking to her yourself? Maybe along the lines of "this agreement has been in place for a long time and maybe it needs tweeking abit?" For ALL your sakes? I mean your stepson is fifteen, maybe he would like some input too!

The last minute changes, it might just be case that thats how its always been done, and noone has ever questioned it, if she is reasonable, and they have been split along time (don't know the background obviously) she may very well be open to your input, like you having his friends to stay and such.

I did speak to "the ex" have been round to see her a few times for various reasons, and she was only human and just as petrified as me as it turns out. Also we managed to sort out alot between us, as her daugther was coming to live with us.

I appreciate I don't know the background, so please feel free to ignore!

I agree with redhen and suffolk - your DP is responsible for this situation, and while you say there are no problems with his ex, it does sound as your DP does everything her way - so why would she make life difficult ?

It is often said that the existence of subsequent partner is a cause of conflict between formally amicably separated parents but I think in many cases, it's not the real issue. When a formally aquiescent and compliant ex suddenly develops opinions and a backbone then that is when the co-parenting often breaks down

Your DSS is 15 - not long before he is an independent adult, and probably in the middle of exams etc at the moment?

Perhaps it would be best for you and your DP to go with the flow for another year or so, rather than risk creating drama? That's not to say I don't think that you should be honest with your DP and tell him how you are feeling about the situation. - but perhaps make it clear you are not expecting things to change in the short term, as long as he recognises the sacrifice you are making and agrees to prioritise your relationship when DSS no longer relies on his mum to call the shots?

Thanks, everyone, for your input - it's great to read other people's opinions and not feel like my requests are completely unreasonable - sometimes the reaction I get here makes me wonder.

Firstly, I should say that, whilst the access situation has been the same since DSS was very young, we've only been married for about 6 months so it is still early days really, and I'm conscious of not rocking the boat too much, particularly because of where DSS is at the moment and that his situation is bound to change in the next few years. I guess I'm just aware that he is very considerate, and I'm not sure he would state what he wants in this situation, as he doesn't tend to 'speak up' much, if you know what I mean. Added to that, I would like to be considered when plans are made, rather than being the last one to know/be informed and just go with whatever is decided. I know there is an element of this in being a stepmum, but it does frustrate me.

Redhen - thanks! I appreciate people empathising with the situation, as it's not something that I can really talk to anyone about - I moved country to be with DH, and I don't have friends who are stepmums to call on either, so just hearing that someone else understands where I'm coming from helps.

Ducketyduck - thanks so much for your reply. As I don't know the ex too well, I feel that I have to go via DH, if that makes any sense. Hate having to do that, but don't feel I have another option at the moment.

Notadisneymum - thanks. I agree that I think it is mainly DH's responsibility. I guess the sticky point is he doesn't always see why I have these issues - you know, knowing what my role is, etc. My concern is that if DH makes too many requests when he hasn't before that it could make things more difficult, and I've made suggestions which tend to get ignored. Sometimes I feel fine about it as I'm aware DSS is (obviously) not my son, but there are other times when I find the situation difficult and, when that happens, I tend to go out and give myself a bit of space.

Thanks again, everyone - it really helps having this safe space!

Hi Dizzy

I live with my partner and his (ok but pretty spoilt) 18 year old son and have done, more or less, for last 3 years. I love my partner and he's great but when it comes to influencing much in regards to his son I'm onto a hiding to nothing. Defensive doesnt even cover it even for perfectly reasonable suggestions- it's a battle to get anything changed! And it's beyond frustrating.

His mother has taken no responsibility and paid for nothing bar things that will make her popular (well, they're 'pals' doncha know! In fact the son thinks him and his dad are 'friends' too! Wtf.) She's flitted about from address to address, staying with family members, so no regular visits for him..

At least he's not there all the time and you get a break from it - I don't meant that glibly as my ex had 2 sons who used to come for access weekends and I know that's not easy either, but at least you get a break from the sheer frustration.

I think that if you speak to your partner and he's not open to taking your opinion on board re the arrangements then you have 2 choices - keep battling and probs make him more defensive and less likely to compromise or try to detach and let them get on with it, v hard too..

Best of luck, take care.

Thanks Happygirl for your response. I can understand what you're saying - I feel like I'm on a hiding to nothing too, and it's something that I find difficult to cope with. I've spoken to DH about this a little but he has admitted that he feels 'defensive' whenever I mention anything (and, believe me, I am very careful to not be critical), particularly as I've been told that he feels he's done a pretty good job, so doesn't feel he needs to change anything. Whilst I understand that he is proud of his son (and understandably so), I guess I just want to 'gel' a bit more, and feel that things do need to change for that to happen, but wonder if that's going to given the response to suggestions, or anything else we discuss about DSS for that matter. After only 6 months, I am getting to the point where I wonder if it's worth talking to him about it at all.

Sorry - I feel a bit down about this at the moment. I feel like we're not part of a team where DSS is concerned, and I don't feel like an equal in my own home, which is kind of depressing. I feel like I come third in the household, rather than all three of us being an equal first, if that makes any sense.

Hopefully, I'll feel better about this tomorrow, as I know my situation is not bad in comparison to a lot of the situations I read about here.