Why do they do it?

[dtsmum]

DH has 4 kids with two women. We had the eldest two at the start of the Easter holiday and the youngest two are here now. They're all great kids and I 'think' I get on really well with all of them. Today I have heard things that make me
Youngest two's 'D'M is now engaged to be married. SK's tell us tonight that when they get married, they (the kids) will have a new surname!!!!!!!!! We have told them that their surname is the same as their Dad's and they can change it if they want to but it is their choice and no one can make them change it. They both obviously want to keep their Dads name (they adore him) Why would she put that in their heads????
We got all the kids an egg with a cup for Easter. The youngest two have bought theirs back with them today saying 'Mum said we have to keep our cups here as she doesn't want them in our house!'

Am I being over sensitive? It just makes me so

It is sad but quite common I think.
My DPs ex insists on them calling her new man Daddy. It confuses the hell out of them and upsets DP (which I think is why she does it)
She won't let them bring anything to ours (even clothes). They arrive with one change of clothes to go home in and if they go home with anything of 'ours' on (even underwear) she kicks off at them.
They constantly ask questions and say things that come directly from her. On their phone calls to her we can hear her asking stuff about me and DP which is none of her business.
She's so intent on trouble making and hurting DP that she is damaging her own dc.

Hmm... your question was "why do they do it?" If only I knew!

A number of things I think... resentment, insecurity, jealousy and fear, at best.

Why anyone would put their own ridiculous neurosies before their children's happiness is frankly beyond me.

Maybe because they are just nasty people.
Just because someone has given birth doesn't automatically mean they will put their children first and change their petty spiteful ways.
Having dc usually brings out the best in someone but there are always exceptions to the rule.

Kaluki your words are exactly what I have and it drives me crazy. DSD made cakes at brownies and asked if she could bring two home for me and dad? No was the answer. DSD was really pissed off as it was her first attempt at cooking with and she said she wanted me to try her cooking :(. Something so little really pissed me off for the sheer cruelty of it on DSD as that was what [she] wanted?

Oh we have had this - when the ex remarried she was insisting that dss changed surname so that HE fitted into the "new" family. DSS was also encouraged to call step dad "dad" as the ex found it "awkward" when she was in public if DSS used the first name. DH did refuse to consent to the name change...just as well as that marriage failed quite quickly and DSS no longer has any relationship with the stepfather and another stepdad has been lined up.

DSS has a favourite meal which was something I cooked years ago however despite DSS learning the recipe he is NOT allowed to cook it at home. He has to wait til he has left home..that is what she has told him. I find the attitude unbelievable, it's not something special just a pasta dish..it has backfired however as the meal has legendary status since it's banned!!

I should mention I was never the OW, the ex had affairs and has had multiple relationships and marriages since DH. I was highly respectful to her and her role as mum but she behaves like this to the stepmums in her children's lives. (i.e her other children have a different father who has also remarried)

I suspect at the root of it is deep insecurity as my dd has a stepmum and I can't relate to the behaviour at all.

Thank you for the replies. Sorry I'm a bit late getting back!
We had a lovely day out with the children yesterday. When we got home and was preparing tea DSS made a comment about having two Dad's now! I'm to say I jumped quite quickly and explained that he will only ever have one Dad, he may have a step Dad but its not the same.

Later on DSS was talking to me about the difference between myself and his Mum, saying my Mum is older than you (she is) and so is my Dad, which DH is but when DH jokingly asked him what he was on about he stopped and said 'I didn't call him Dad I called him - (by his name)' So I am concerned she is trying to get them to call her partner Dad.

DH and his family have told me she is a very spiteful person who likes to use people for her own gains, but her own kids? ffs!

DH said he can't be bothered with the arguments with her so is not going to say anything! This in itself makes me feel like I need to butt out but that's going to be hard! I have a DC myself and would never put him or his Dad through anything like this! DS gets on great with DH but he calls him by his name nothing else!

The life of a step parent!

My DP has had this twice with his ex on two different occasions (men!). It's completely shit and disgusting in my book but there are some very spiteful women out there who think its ok to use their kids that way. I'm sure I have this whole sorry scene of new names heading my way as DP's ex is engaged and then I guess the fun and games will start for us again. (sigh) :( deep fucking joy. Where's the wine???!!!

This spiteful nonsense stores up hurt and resentment for the future. I have never done this. My ds has enough to deal with without any flack from me about his dad's girlfriend/partner.

With my dh, we face the "I won't go (to this, that, whatever) if SHE'S going" scenario because though I came along 4 years after my dh's wife had the affair that ended their marriage, I don't officially "exist". I was forced to dip out of an event I'd been invited to, and was really looking forward to, so that his ex wife could attend. It was upsetting and sad. I care very much for my eldest step daughter. I will NEVER do that to my son. Full stop.

We're all human but I think that leading by example when it comes to "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is by far the kindest way to raise your children. They will work out in their own good time if Daddy's new girlfriend is nice or not and they will actually have a far more relivant opinion than their other parent does as they are the one spending time with the new partner.
The thought that my DD would ever feel guilty about enjoying time with her SM because i didn't like her (which let's face it, most children would because of loyalty to Mum) breaks my heart. She has her own mind and her own opinions, it doesnt matter who I like.

They will work out in their own good time if Daddy's new girlfriend is nice or not and they will actually have a far more relivant opinion than their other parent does as they are the one spending time with the new partner.

I think that might be the problem in some cases though; the DC's do form a positive opinion of someone who is nice to them - which some mums find difficult to accept, either through feelings of insecurity, or because of displaced hatred.

I am despised by my DP's ex purely because I am with him (she doesn't know me at all, so how can she form an opinion?) She expects the DC's to feel the same way about me as she does, and when it became clear that they didn't, she worked hard to explain to them why she hates me and why they should to

That's awful. I actually think it is abuse to take advantage of how impressionable children are by using them as little vessels for hate. I'd rather my dd make up her own mind.

We had a request to allow a surname change for DPs son and daughter quite recently. My DP was not happy, especially as the new husband is the man who his ex had an affair with, who had been DPs good friend!!
The children seemed to be enthusiastic about the potential name change which massively upset DP. We were confused until DPs young DD told me that 'Mummy said the court want us to change our name to Mummy's new surname. They said that if we don't she won't be our Mummy anymore'.
Words fail me.
We went to court to prevent the name change. The children the refused to talk to DP for a couple of weeks after this.

I have no idea why they do it. :(