I’m new to this and would really appreciate some advice…

[MissSensitive]

I?ve been with my DP for just more than a year. I don?t have any children of my own, but my DP has a two-and-a-half year old daughter from a previous relationship. I love her and she loves me; I guess I?m lucky that I?ve come into this at such an early stage of her development. I get on well enough with my DP?s ex and she?s an amazing mum. My DP gets on with his ex too. It?s pretty much as good a situation as it can be.

But privately, I have moments where this is all really overwhelming. I?ve only had one serious relationship before this one, and that lasted for 10 years. I was never uncertain of my ex?s love for me, and I think because of my lack of relationship experience and all the other obstacles of my current situation, I often feel completely clueless about where I stand and how I feel.

My DP has never told me that he loves me. I know that this doesn?t necessarily mean that he doesn?t (he has said quite a few times that he?s not a man of many words), but I feel like I?m constantly on tenterhooks whilst he is still making up his mind. I often think that he must have told his ex that he loved her, and he has no problem saying it to his daughter. I know that the ?ex? situation is a common cause of insecurity amongst step parents but I sometimes worry that this is insurmountable for me because I?ve never even had an ex situation before, let alone an ex with a child too!

I?m just a bit lost and confused and I know that my insecurity is playing a big role in my perception of the situation, so I don?t communicate any of my feelings to my DP, afraid that he?ll just tell me that I?m being stupid (he does that quite a bit!) or that I?m right, that he doesn?t love me. And then I?ll be doubly heart broken because I love him and his DD.

I am intelligent and successful in every other area of my life, but in this relationship/step-parent arena I feel utterly useless and pathetic.

My friends are supportive, but I don?t know any other step-parents and I don?t feel that my friends fully understand my situation. Most, if not all, people I have spoken to have said that they could never take on another person?s child so my friends are used to be the first and only person in the relationship.

I know that there are worse troubles at sea, but I would really appreciate some advice from women who have been in a similar situation. Sorry this turned into such a long post!!

I am a Step-Mum, and I know how hard it can be sometimes. This doesn't seem like a problem with the step-parenting itself, or the ex, though tbh, more like you need to communicate with your partner about his feelings/intentions.

It seems like you have tied yourself up in knots thinking about something that can only be resolved by being brave and talking to your DP.

Also FWIW I've always seen it as an advantage to not be the only person in your partner's life, having been the subject of unhealthy and exclusive obsession in previous relationships.

All the best :)

I agree this isn't so much a step parenting issue as a relationship issue!
I'd be wary of a man who couldn't tell me he loves me. My ex H never said it and I honestly never felt that he loved me really. He was very cold and unaffectionate too. He tells our dc he loves them all the time and I'm glad he does but it makes me that he could never tell me.
Also it is common for a stepmum to feel a bit sidelined and on the outside so if he is unable to reassure you of his feelings for you and your place in his life it might cause resentment later on.

Thanks, thefudgeling, I'm sure you're right. A shot of bravery is what I need. Strong women must have conversations like this every day... I'm sure the obsessing over it is worse than actually having the conversation.

As long as I don't throw myself at his feet screaming "please, please love me!" with a demented expression on my face and hair akimbo (taking tips from DSD, no doubt!) I'm sure I'll be fine!

Ah, Kaluki, that's a good point. The last thing I want is for resentment to build up; that'll kill us. It's good to know that others have faced this situation and got over it...

I do fear that the fact that he can tell his DD that he loves her means that he is more than capable of expressing such emotion, so maybe he just doesn't love me if he's not saying it.

Gaah, I guess there's only one real way to find out...

Not necessarily - the love for a child is unconditional and different to loving another adult.
There is no fear of rejection when you say I love you to your child as they automatically love you back.
Tell him how you are feeling

Of course it's different [smacks self on forehead]. Sometimes my naivety shocks even me!

This is a relationship issue, take the step child out of this and see how you would feel about a man you are with for 18 months? Do you tell him you love him? How does he show that he loves and cares for you?

to be honest it would bother me, 18months-2 years is about the time when you know how you feel about someone. The honeymoon stage has passed and you've had some up & downs and know that you can still love each. How did his marriage end?

Agree with the others - this is primarily a relationship issue.

It is just a theory of mine, but I have long felt that two years is a sort of magical threshhold in relationships - it is the time when couples seem to stop and take stock of things and if they are honest with themselves, to know if they want to to go forward, or come to a close. Like smum and kaluki, I would be very wary of someone I had been with for as long as you have if they were unwilling or unable to openly and explicitly express love for me (and in a way it doesn't matter which it is - unable or unwilling - if they cannot give you the security and warmth that you require).

Having said that, there are aspects of this which are 'step' related. Like you have alluded to, and kaluki has said - there is perhaps a stronger need for reassurance in a 'step' relationship. There is also, I think, an even greater than usual need for excelllent communication skills, from both parties. If your partner has trouble in this area, it is not a great foundation - so I'd encourage you and him to work on it now. It also doesn't seem like your partner has taken your needs very seriously, and that troubles me.

Finally, you might want to have a serious think about how much your DP is involving you with his DD. It seems to me that both you and she have a lot invested in this, and it actually seems a little unfair of your DP to allow you two to love and rely on one another if he can't make more of an emotional commitment.

Do talk to him. You really deserve to feel secure and loved. Don't settle for any less. :)h

Yep I'm with everyone else, sounds like ur biggest fears are surrounding the relationship more than being a step parent, I think if u felt more secure in your relationship, if u were confident you are going to last then you'd be more confident at being step-mum.

I totally understand about the issues with him not telling you he loves you, my DP was like that and I feel rather ashamed to say that I even got jealous of him telling his 4-5 year old daughter that he loved her. In the end we split up for about 6 months and in that time he must have sorted his head out and now we're back together and he's like a different man, he tells me he loves me and sincerely. Admittedly he doesn't say it daily like some men would but I just need to hear it occasionally.
But I suppose it also comes down to how he is with you, whether he shows you he loves you. I've been in relationships where I've been treated like crap and then they say ''but I love you'' as though that just makes it all ok, I know I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who treated me well but didn't tell me his feelings than someone who treated me like crap and then sweet talked his way out of it.

And yes it is totally normal to have some jealously of the ex, especially since there is still contact there but u also have to remember that she is his EX for a reason. The truth is their relationship probably isn't how u picture it in your head, they probably weren't very happy and he probably wasn't telling her he loved her, if they were then they wouldn't have split up.

I think it's really important that you try and talk to DP about how you are feeling, men are not mind readers and are crap at even picking up on little hints, they have to be told ''this is how I am feeling and this is why and I think it could be helped by....''
There's every chance that he is totally oblivious to what is going on and is thinking that you are both blissfully happy.