How to approach this with DPs ex (warning, long)

[serotoninbutterfly]

Right. This has been plaguing my mind for a while so apologies if its a bit incoherent.

Have been with DP for 4 years, we have a nearly 2yo DS together. He has 2 children from his previous relationship 8&5yo.

His ex has been causing problems for a while, coming over with the kids to see their dad, which is lovely and I have always been welcoming, and on the premise of discussing the kids and care arrangements etc has told my DP that she wants him back.

I have ignored this, my DP isn't interested in her at all - she cheated on him for a few months before he found out and subsequently left - so I havent been worried that he will go back there.

Just recently there has been issues in her relationship that has meant we haven't had the kids at all for a few weeks - she was going through a messy break up from the guy she cheated on DP with - and wanted to keep all her kids with her. DP said it was her decision, And that we would be happy to have all the kids if it would help her out. She said she would get in touch to rearrange.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and I see her at the school gates. When I asked where her younger two were, she replied that they were with their dad (her ex) as 'at least he wants to see his kids'

This probably upset me more than it should have, but I didn't say anything. Her new partner apologised for her later on, but ex never apologised herself.

A couple of days after this, she came round again while I was out and told myDP a load of lies about one of my friends owing her money or something and that she was pissed off I was friends with her. Again, I didn't say anything at the time because she is not above using the kids as a weapon and refusing to let DP see them.

She saw me later and I blanked her as I did not want to be two faces, she later sent me a message asking what she had done wrong so I outlined it, not blaming her or getting ott about how I felt so that I wasn't picking a fight iykwim. She flew off the handle, and I left it.

She came round yesterday with the kids when I was at work and told my DP that I had cheated on him! He says he doesn't believe her, but it's going to have sowed a seed in his head and eroded some trust seeing as his last major relationship ended due to cheating.

I am so cross I just want to let rip at her, but I also need to keep the peace for the sake of the kids. And I can't trust her to be alone with him because she is so poisonous.

I am thinking of going to see her this week to find out what her issue is, but I don't know if thats a good idea or not? I am torn between confronting her, letting her get it all out of her system and moving on, or just ignoring the situation and refusing to let her in my house.

WWYD?

Thank you for sticking with me

I would have her and her partner round with you and yours and have it out right there. I find the best way to stop people doing just that is to call them on it with everyone who is involved, present. This involves your partner so have a "chat" about it as a group. No need for hostility or aggression just stay calm and call her on everything she has said behind your back to your partner. She will also think twice knowing he will tell you everything she says.

What tiptoe said ^ plus refusing to let her in your house.

It sounds like she is trying to cause trouble between you and your partner at any cost.

Having been through this myself with DH's Ex I would redraw some new boundaries physically and emotionally and would distance myself from her. In relation to the children your DH is responsible for organsing the access directly with her which will allow you to take a back seat more.

Sometimes you think you have built up a good relationship with the EX and in our case I believed at one point she was being genuine only to have the rug pulled from under me at the first opportunity she could. Some people are really lucky and have ex's who have no ax to grind or hidden agenda and others like yourself are not so lucky.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

Thanks sparkle it's good to know I'm not the only one with some poisonous bitch insinuating crap about me!

I think we do need to hash it out and I am definite about her not coming into my house at all. Although I know that means she will withdraw and make life difficult when it comes to my DP seeing the kids

I'm not sure if I would have a debate with her as you don't really need to have a relationship with her. I would suggest you and your DP discuss how you want to approach this and then then let him discuss the boundaries with her. Surely the only contact your dp needs is to discuss the children? I would always be civil and friendly but you don't need to have a friendship, I don't think it's feasible.

My DH's ex would be appear friendly to me but it always ended in her trying to be negative about DH. I realised after many years it wouldn't change so I am now always polite but know it will never improve. I have a good relationship with my ex and his partner but we don't play games, have always respected boundaries and have both moved on with our lives, on that basis it can work.

I think you should consider trying to formalise contact - informal arrangements only work if you have a amicable relationship. The first time that a mum blocks contact and gets away with it then it definitely won't be the last!

Get everything out in the open - liars really don't like this as it upsets their plans and things back fire on them, so often they leave those people along that like everything out in the open - in the future