what shall I tell dsd?

[theredhen]

A very good friend of mine has invited me, dp and ds to Sunday lunch. Normally we wouldn't have the step children but because of the holidays we will have them. My friend can't accommodate an extra four people as she has a tiny house and I know she doesn't want to invite them anyway.

My friend has a 13 yr old daughter who when coming to my house when I have step kids will spend hours playing dolls with my 9 yr old step daughter. I think she quite enjoys amusing dsd but rolls her eyes at us and tells her Mum that dsd is bossy and rude but still plays with her even though I have told her she doesn't have to.

My ds and my friends dd used to tell everyone at primary school they were brothers and sister so I would really like to have a day of just ds, me, friend and friends dd for old times sake. We've been in holiday as a group many times and always used to be in each others houses.

So dp will stay home with his kids and is probably quite grateful to escape me and my friend!

However, every time I visit my friend and dsd is here, she pleads to come with me and cries and sobs if I tell her I don't know if friends dd will be there so I'm not taking her. I often go to friends for a break at weekends to escape the step kids and I also leave ds behind.

She is going to go mental if I take ds off for most of the day to play with her "friend". She will be very jealous and has told me that friends dd is more of a friend to her than to my ds etc. she will literally scream and cry and sob and I will walk out of the house with her in that state.

I've thought of telling her a white lie, but I don't want to make ds lie, I also don't want to pander to dsd entitled behaviour where she already thinks the world revolves around her

Good luck to theredhen trying to make plans for when all of the dscs aren't there.

The friend invited them for a time when usually they do not have DSD, as it happens the Dad is happy to duck out and do something else with the other children

The only one unhappy with this is one 9 year old child, - everyone else changing the plans further for one child would of course be pandering to her.

And I agree with others, of course your to different things with different aged children half or full siblings.

I would not expect my teenage stepson's and their mates to have my youngsters tagging along with them either.

your to you do

I don't understand what you mean, surely it isn't that difficult - it sounds like there are times when they don't have them, and the friend invited them thinking that they wouldn't have the step-children. I would just arrange it for a different Sunday. Perhaps you know know things about the redhen's situation that I don't and it would be problematic?

Yes I do - there are I think - 4/5 dscs, plans are often changed at the last minute and theredhen has had to fight to carve some time for her own DS.

Oh Wax, if only life was that simple!

When it comes to the holidays I NEVER know when the step kids are coming. They come or don't come on the whim of their Mother and my DP doesn't stand up to her for fear of losing contact.

I am long past trying to plan things that fit in or not with step kids. No-one bothers to consult me so I am damn sure that I am not asking my friends and family to re-arrange their lives to fit in with my DSC mother's wishes.

If DSD was my daughter I would be teaching her that the world doesn't revolve around her wishes and wants. My DS has been left with childminders, babysitters or on his own many times when I have been invited to child free events. He's learnt that he doesn't always get what he wants.

However, DSD is not my daughter and whilst I appreciate that it's not her fault she is brought up like this, it's not mine or my DS fault either. I feel sorry for her and don't want her to be upset, hence my question on here because I have lots of times where I feel responsible for a situation beyond my control and doubt my actions, but her parents need to teach her some hard lessons which at 9, should have been done before now, in my opinion.

The good news is that she is now having a friend to play in the afternoon, so she would far rather see her than tag along with me and DS.

redhen - go ahead. It's completely normal for parents to do stuff sometimes with one not the other for lots and lots of reasons.

waxtart - that theory might work if you have say 1 DSC and or/ same age as other child. Not when 4 DSC's. With the best will in the world not many people will be ok with having a casual lunch with friend + 6 rather than what was meant to be a relaxing catch-up.

Also if DSCs are over a lot it's more than slightly unrealistic to say just arrange it for another sunday. I find it difficult enough to arrange the odd day when I can be free to meet up with a friends who is also free that day. Peoples' lives are busy. To cut your limited availability in half or more because of access visits is un-necessarily restrictive.

Ah I see, it's far more complicated than I was aware of, and I'm sorry that you are so undervalued . Our contact was pretty straightforward, every other weekend and school holidays.

And yes, I do understand that people have busy lives and that having children could be viewed as restrictive. It's just one of the things I accepted when I got together with dsd's Dad, that yes there would be times when we had to work around her pick-ups (long journey), bed times and whether what we had been invited to were suitable for her or not, or that we would want to do things that she enjoyed. I just made the most of the other times. But that's me and it's not to say that others won't find it difficult, especially when there are other dynamics at play.