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what shall I tell dsd?

33 replies

theredhen · 04/04/2012 07:15

A very good friend of mine has invited me, dp and ds to Sunday lunch. Normally we wouldn't have the step children but because of the holidays we will have them. My friend can't accommodate an extra four people as she has a tiny house and I know she doesn't want to invite them anyway.

My friend has a 13 yr old daughter who when coming to my house when I have step kids will spend hours playing dolls with my 9 yr old step daughter. I think she quite enjoys amusing dsd but rolls her eyes at us and tells her Mum that dsd is bossy and rude but still plays with her even though I have told her she doesn't have to.

My ds and my friends dd used to tell everyone at primary school they were brothers and sister so I would really like to have a day of just ds, me, friend and friends dd for old times sake. We've been in holiday as a group many times and always used to be in each others houses.

So dp will stay home with his kids and is probably quite grateful to escape me and my friend!

However, every time I visit my friend and dsd is here, she pleads to come with me and cries and sobs if I tell her I don't know if friends dd will be there so I'm not taking her. I often go to friends for a break at weekends to escape the step kids and I also leave ds behind.

She is going to go mental if I take ds off for most of the day to play with her "friend". She will be very jealous and has told me that friends dd is more of a friend to her than to my ds etc. she will literally scream and cry and sob and I will walk out of the house with her in that state.

I've thought of telling her a white lie, but I don't want to make ds lie, I also don't want to pander to dsd entitled behaviour where she already thinks the world revolves around her

OP posts:
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chelen · 04/04/2012 08:57

Hi RedHen, this quite tricky in blended families.

I would not tell a lie, that is a bad message to send to your DS and will probably backfire.

In our house we sometimes 'divide and conquer', as in 'DSS is doing x with dad and DS is doing y with mum (meaning me), or vice versa with me doing something with DSS and DP having DS.

But to see it from your DSD's POV she probably will feel left out if she is left behind, because what child wouldn't?

So I think it is your partner's responsibility to help you and take his troop out first, perhaps just out for a milkshake, while the departure happens, as he needs to a) be responsible for it and b) manage it in a way that he presents it to his children that they are doing different but equal things - that they are at home to do something fun with him, not because you don't want DSD to go with you IYSWIM.

I don't think distracting in advance and to head off a tantrum/scene is the same as pandering after a tantrum/scene - because the first is adult in charge and the latter is child in charge.

Do you think that could work?

OhChristFENTON · 04/04/2012 09:02

So your son is the same age as your friend's daughter? Then I would say to DSD that they are older than her and want to hang out and do teenager stuff - which is the truth nothing wrong with that, - tantrum or not she is 9 and needs to learn that sometimes the older children, and adults for that matter, in her life want to do age appropriate stuff.

My sons have had to accept this of their older half siblings and cousins, it's a part of growing up.

Smile
bunniesheave · 04/04/2012 09:07

Could your DH take her out somewhere at the same time to avoid the trauma of when you go?

chelen · 04/04/2012 09:13

I even find that if my DP just says 'oh no, I want you to stay here with me to clean the car/pop to the shops' - even something totally boring like that means I do not have to desert DSS as DSS is staying with dad. This protects me as SM and also means I can waltz out allow the best-placed parent to deal with any grumps.

purpleroses · 04/04/2012 09:26

Could you take just her along with you and DS and leave the others at home? I do quite often take DP's DD2(11) along with me and my two when I go out places - leaving her 3 siblings at home with DP - as she's always the one that wants to come, and one extra DC doesn't feel like too much of a problem.

But if you don't want to do that, I think it's fine to say no to her - that this time the invite is only for you and your DS. But as others have suggested, try and get you DP to find something to do with her (and his others) so that she won't feel left out.

Or could you tag onto the social visit some trip out to, say, buy DS some new clothes that he needs as that would obviously require just the two of you?

Kaluki · 04/04/2012 09:43

Sometimes you have to just be harsh. Say no, DS and I are going alone and that is that. She will just have to deal with it.
DSD is like this. If I try and go anywhere without her she kicks off but there are times when I have to take my sons out on our own. Even if I go out by myself to escape with a friend she tries to come too.
We have the crying and sobbing here too but I have learnt to ignore it. They have to learn that tantrums don't work.
DP is good at distracting her too which suits her as she ends up getting all her dads attention for a while.

theredhen · 04/04/2012 14:07

Purple, if I take her with me it will completely change the dynamics of the day. DSD will take great delight in telling DS that he is not to take part or be involved and he will end up bored and fed up whilst DSD gets lots of attention. I'd like to think that she could come along and just fit in with us, but DP's children aren't like that, they have to be the centre of attention because they're parents have allowed them to grow up like that. Sad

I doubt I could persuade DP to find something for DSD to do to occupy her before we go out, he probably thinks I should just take her because he won't want her to be upset. But you have made me think that it wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that he do something to entertain her and therefore distract her.

I do like the idea of taking DS out shopping first though and there are some things I need to buy him, so that could work well especially as DP has already spent two days at the swankiest shopping centres wining and dining his kids this holiday already.

Thanks for the comments.

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Kaluki · 04/04/2012 22:09

Are you sure we don't have the same DP and DSC redhen? They sound scarily similar! Grin

theredhen · 05/04/2012 06:08

I hope not kaluki, I wouldn't wish that on anyone! Wink

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janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 06:57

Lie - sorry pick your battles and all that - why make it into a drama - your DS already knows dp landers to his kids.

Just tell him (DS) anything for a peaceful life.

theredhen · 05/04/2012 07:11

Jane, I wouldn't be making it into a drama, but dsd would.

Dp has now told me he plans on popping in to see a friend on that day and I presume he is taking his kids to swap Easter eggs so they will be out when ds and I leave, so I think this little dilemma is solved.

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janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 07:22

You misunderstand me - there will be a drama of dsds making - so avoid one.

And I'd speak to dp alone and ensure he is actually planning to take his kids.

theredhen · 05/04/2012 07:29

As step parents I think we do a lot of pussy footing around the kids as it is, I know my situation is solved but is it really the right thing to lie to a child and encourage another child to lie to avoid a 9 yr old having a tantrum? I do understand what you're saying but where does it stop? She screams if she's made to come off a computer game or if her brother walks into her bedroom or if I run put of "her" cereal.

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 07:34

No it's not the "right" thing - but such is the life of the step parent and their DCs. Wink

theredhen · 05/04/2012 07:35

Yes and it's bloody annoying! Lol

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Kaluki · 05/04/2012 08:22

Jane I don't agree.
If we teach our dc that it is ok to lie to avoid confrontation how long before they start lying to us when they are older because we have told them its ok to lie sometimes.
And why should a 9 year old girl be allowed to rule the house in this way?

When DSD goes off on one we all roll our eyes and leave the room. We know what she's like and I'm hoping that she will eventually learn that they don't work when she doesn't get her own way every time she kicks off.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 08:27

I would normally agree - but theredhen has been posting a long time about her situation - until her dp tackles things they won't change.

Her DS deserves time away without histrionics from dsd spoiling it, because leaving with her screaming is going to leave a nasty taste in everyones mouth.

RabidEasterEgg · 05/04/2012 08:35

I think it is a shame her dad is not willing to find something to do with his daughter. Really all you can do is go and let him deal with the fall out from her tantrum, but it is hard

Waxtart · 05/04/2012 11:43

I would probably be saying that I couldn't meet my friend. For me it would be a case of invite us all round or not at all. I wouldn't have put dsd in the position of knowing that dd and I were off to do something that I knew she would enjoy without her. I'd just arrange to see my friend when she wasn't around. The whole point of dsd coming to us was so that we could all be a family together, and we had precious little of that as it was.

Kaluki · 05/04/2012 11:57

But her DP clearly isn't going to change so I guess all redhen can do is to take her ds out by himself and just let her dsd get on with it.
If my DSD got her way she would be the centre of attention everywhere she went and everyone would bow and scrape to her and attend to her every whim and tell her how beautiful she is every five minutes. BUT life isn't like that. Its a hard life lesson which she needs to learn now before she grows up and gets a major disappointment when she joins the real world. Same with redhen's dsd. These dads are doing their kids no favours pandering to them like this, they are just storing up trouble for the future.
I am lucky that my DP tries to discipline his kids and backs me up 100% if I do, and to be honest if he didn't, we wouldn't still be together now.

Waxtart · 05/04/2012 12:17

I'm not sure I see where it's pandering to her. She sees theredhen and her ds going off to do something she'd like to do, I don't think it's that unreasonable that she would be upset about that. Why not avoid a conflict completely by just arranging it for a time when she isn't there? If you have two biological children, would you take one to something like this and get the other to go off with their other parent? I don't think I'd feel that was ok, and therefore I don't feel it's ok with a stepchild.

Lostinsuffolk · 05/04/2012 12:48

I agree with kabuki and others that say u should go without DSD. There's no way I would allow an 9yr old to rule our roost, pure and simple. If she gets to understanding what's she's really doing (manipulation and the like) it will never end. She needs to understand that her dad and SM make the decisions and not her. DP should IMO deal with her and explain that on this occasion she is not going as he wants to do x y or z with her instead. Leaving her at home is maybe stretching it a bit. Why can't her take her to a park for a play.

My DSD loves coming with me to my BFs house to play with her cats and she sometimes comes along but for me I then have to consider what is discussed in front of her IUSWIM. Anyway, when I go without her, I tell her that I want to see my friend on my own and on this occasion it's a no. I also tell her there will be other occasions for her to come along and I will send her love.... This is normally accepted as the final decision. If there was any upset, I then point out all the fun she would have without be being there...time with her dad etc.... This usually does the trick. specially dad time is something she loves.

I personally don't think lies are the answer. DP has to get a better coping mechanism in place to deal with the tantrums as I, for one, would get v worn down by it a 9yr old. Avoidance is not a solution to me. Just sell the situation to her differently.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 13:01

Wax yes you would - if you had 2 bio children of different ages - you would take 1 without the other - and even if you had twins - they would probay have their own friends at these ages

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 05/04/2012 13:02

I don't normally post in here, but I just wanted to say that I think it's fine to do things like this with either step or biological children

I have six ( biological) children and I absolutely would take some and leave others to something like this. All of my children are treated equally but differently according to age/needs etc it would be madness to do exactly the same things and visit exactly the same places with all of them all of the time,and I think this is no different

I understand that a blended family has a different dynamic so things arent always that simple, but I think that makes it even more important to make sure one child is not calling the shots at the expense of the others

Waxtart · 05/04/2012 13:17

Of course there will be times when you do things separately. But I think an invite to a good friend's for Sunday lunch for dd, her Dad and I is not one that I would feel I could have accepted if my dsd were not included in it, especially knowing that she would want to be there. If I didn't want to take her I would have arranged it for a time when she was with her mum, then no-one is upset.

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