Am I being played or is this for real?

[Lostinsuffolk]

Ok not much background needed here. DSD now says most nights she stays with me and DP that she cant sleep cos shes worrying cos she doesn't want to go home. That she doesn't like being at her mums and that she wants to live with us. She is 8yrs. Am I being played or should we be taking this more seriously. I wonder if this is a phase that kids go through because they find the 50/50 contact hard. Can I get some idea of what u ladies/men go through please?

Need a bit more background really. What is her home life with with her mum like? Is her mum a good mum? Does she have any siblings either at home with her mum or with you and her dad? How is DSD in herself - is she a happy child? What is her relationship like with you, and her dad?

Ok she has one older brother. Life at home is rocky because of turmoil with mum and revolving BFs. Mum has got back with expartner recently and both kids have said he's an idiot, selfish and not interested in either of them. We get reports of long stretches with the tv. Mum openly displays affection on partner but not them and that he's bossy. DP has strained relationship with her but we get by. Ex is v bitter about DP and does get the kids involved. She regularly lies to them and they know it. We have good stable relationship with both DCs and have good times together. We are an active unit when together and go out on bikes, beach, do stuff every time theyre here. We do homework discuss school and encourage development but we have always strived to do more and get them to be independent and think for themselves. This sounds silly but we make sure we always eat at the table together! We have clear ground rules that are simple and do not change. They understand them and on the whole respond v well. DSS is now a teenager and we have the odd blow up but try to work through it with I'm. I think it's hormone lead and it's perfectly normal so not that worried about him tbh.

We demonstrate open verbal and displayed affection to them both and they know for sure that we love them as we say and enforce this everyday.

DSD recently said to me she wished I was her mom cos I care about her and her mum doesn't in here eyes as she's not interested in her. That statement is pretty much word for word. School are watching her and she has a special teacher to talk to.

What else should we do? Discussing the situation with ExP isn't an option as she would deny everything to our faces and then be mean to the kids for sure. It has happened in the past on other issues. ExP finds me a threat and I did try to have more contact with her but the constant lying put pay to it and I've stopped all contact with her.

Tbh, if she's been 50:50 for a while, that might be the best you can hope for until she's older and can vote with her feet. I think that it is unlikely that The court would change residency to your DP on the basis of what you've put in your post

But, I would recommend counselling for her - both DD(11) and DSS (8) have had sessions with a youth counsellor to help them understand and cope with the emotions they feel in relation to their parents separation and the involvement of step parents and siblings. It has helped a great deal - particularly DSS who has gained confidence and now expresses his opinions to both his parents - which is huge progress

Then I would say it sounds like DSD genuinely wants to live with you. It sounds like she's wants more stability and she looks to you and her dad as that is where she feels most stable and safe.

I'm not really sure what path you can take to get residence if you feel that is what you want? Would you be prepared to go down the legal route? (Not sure if you can afford too, or would be able to self rep)? If talking to the exP isn't an option then the legal route may be the only 1?

My DSD was 9 when she came to live with us. Her homelife with her mum was very unstable and she spent most of her time being cared for by her (maternal) grandparents. It was actually them that asked us to have her full time as they felt she needed stability. As when DSD was with them she would be doing great and be settled and then her mum would suddenly decide she wanted to play at being mum for a while and just turn up and take her, and DSD would end up missing school, her mum never cared for her properly would let her stay up past midnight on a school night etc.

She settled really well into living with us full time, she was ecstatic that she could live with us. We then got a a residence order so her mum couldn't just turn up and take her, and her mum was supposed to have weekend contact, which probably lasted 2 weekends before she got bored and gave up. We were lucky to get it part funded by legal aid, but this was over 10 years ago now and I know the government has now stopped it for family cases.

I feel for your DSD it must be very confusing to have such a stable home life in 1 house and for things to be so unstable in the other house. I hope you can work something out.

I would say geniune

Our 10 yr DSD came to live with us from a similar background but with physical & mental abuse thrown in :-(

The BM has never been in contact and has now changed email, fb and contact numebrs so we couldnt get in contact even if it was an emergency

When she asks why she can't live here, I say because u have to live with mummy right now until ur older. Is that the right thing to say?

I've told her she should tell her special teacher everything that she thinks and feels even if it's good or bad. DSD told me the teacher has explanied to her that she needs to work our what her home life is like before she can help. DSD has been telling anyone who will listen what's going on.

DSS has said when DSD is at her mums she's fine and behaves like everything's ok. (At their mums DSS and DSD don't really get on, which i find weird. DSS said DSD sucks up to her mum all the time?) When they're here we have the odd spat but theyre fine. When i asked DSD about behaviour at her mums, she said she acts like that so she's not told off and she gets an easy life. She said DSS gets in trouble all the time for not being like her!!!!! So is it all a mechanism to cope with what's going on or not?

I really appreciate ur comments here, I'm now thinking this is very real. :(

When she asks why she can't live here, I say because u have to live with mummy right now until ur older. Is that the right thing to say?

I don't think it is your place to commit to things changing in the future, tbh - these are conversations that her Dad should be having with her really - it is lovely that she trusts you, but you can't influence or commit to changing her care arrangements, and in the long run, she may think that you have let her down, if things don't happen the way you have led her to believe. It may also fuel the hostility between the two homes if her mum finds out that you are talking to DSD about living arrangements.

I'm not a fan of allowing DC's to chose their living arrangements really - I always tell my DD that where she lives is a decision for me and her Dad to make, and while we will listen to her opinions, we will do what we think is best taking everything, including adult issues, into account.

It is an incredible hard situation, but I think that all you can do is encourage her to enjoy the time she spends with mum, and highlight the positives to her - no matter how grim it seems to you. She does seem to be managing to maintain a relationship with her mum, so perhaps there is an element of manipulation going on, but there is obviously a stark contrast between homes, and that is probably what she is struggling to deal with.

Can the school refer to a youth counselling scheme?

Hiya, I see ur point and take on board ur comments. I know she's having chats with a teacher so think that is one and the same.