Crisis point...

[Fooso]

This weekend I realised how unhappy I've been. Lots of crying and talking last night. DP devastated and doesn't understand why I'm so unhappy. Background: with DP for 2.6 years, he moved in quite quickly to my house with my ds (12). 6 months ago his 2 girls moved in with us permanently (their mum is an alcoholic and now in a home).So converted house and away we went. I knew I would struggle and I have. They are lovely girls and love me, but they need so much of him and are around us constantly. My ds sits in his room on his xbox most of the time. My dp is so happy he has them there and I tried to explain how i feel last night - I feel we hadn't been together very long and that this has changed my life - he says "I don't see what difference having them here than having your son" - but it is. I sound mean and unkind and I don't want to feel like this. I want my life back. They love me and love living with us. What do I do? I love my dp - walk away and have peace and quiet or mayble counselling would help me adjust to them? My DP is devastated and just wants us to be 1 big happy family.. I just can't stop these feelings of resentment towards them. I just wish he could see it from my point of view - but of course he can't as they are his girls and he loves them and is doing the best a father can do. Your views would help....

It's appeared that ur life has changed quite considerably in a short space of time and it's no wonder u feel like u do. Ur not a saint, there's no manual on this stuff. I've been with my DP the same time as u but his two dont live with us (yet!). My first thought is u need support as ur clearly on the edge. I personally would say get some counselling immediately. It will help u sort out what u want from ur relationship and life. U can talk about the resentment, which is totally understandable and with support can be sorted but ur DP has to help too and accept how u feel and start making some changes to support u and strengthen the relationship u have together. No time for u too is a killer for ur relationship in my eyes. It's v hard to do in practise with three kids but there must be people who could help. u need time together and he needs to support u. Couple counselling helps too if he'll go. If he won't and he accepts no part in what's going on, u have bigger decisions to make. Hope ur ok x :)

I agree with LostinSuffolk.
Your DP has to take some responsibility here. OK he wants you to be one big happy family but he has to make some changes to achieve that and arrange things so that you get time with him and time with your son.

It is all too easy for it to become all about the stepkids. I know that they have had a hard time and it is awful what has happened to their Mum but YOU and your DS are important members of the family too and you both should be happy as well.
I will say though that a 12 year old who stays in his room on the Xbox sounds exactly like my 12 year old DS. Try and arrange some days out just you and him so that he doesn't feel left out.

Thank you for your thoughts - i really need them. I have said to him I know you don't understand what I'm saying but you need to LISTEN to me.

Does he know that if he doesn't start listening to you he runs the risk of losing you?
Sometimes men just think its general nagging and switch off.
He needs a kick up the posterior!

Oh Fooso, I'm so sorry you feel so upset and so "unlistened" to.

Kaluki is very right, you and your DS ARE important too and you need to remind yourself of that and not feel guilty!

Had you and your son been on your own, your son may have been sitting in his room playing X box the same as now, but the likelihood is you could have more opportunity to change the situation because you could have moved the X box downstairs and interacted with him or dragged him shopping because otherwide he would have been left home alone etc, whereas now those opportunities are more limited because you have 3 other people to think about.

If you're anything like me you spend a lot of time doing the "right thing" by his girls whilst your DP just lets your DS "get on with it". Meaning that there is less of a change for your DP than for you.

You do need to make some time for your DS on your own, even if DS tries to say he's not bothered or would rather sit in front of the Xbox. It will do him and you a lot of good and give you some head space.

Also think about counselling too.

Thanks redhen. You're right about lack of change on his part - he doesn't have to do anything for my DS - I do it all as this is my job and I want to - but I have had to become like a mum and I guess it's all got a bit much for me.

oh yes, i know where you're coming from!

I have been with my DH for almost four years, living all together with him and the two DSCs for 1.5. We have a DD (2) as well. In our case their mum is deceased. So like you I am a stepmother 'fulltime' - not that all stepmums are not fulltime in one sense - but I mean that the DSCs are here 100% of the time and there is no 'other parent' to take up some of the responsibility.

I had one kind of life on my own, and then another with DD at the start of her life - I was happy as we were and coping very well, and making my own choices.

And then we all moved in together and I became responsible for a family of five - my life totally changed - it all felt very sudden and shocking. DH's life did not change nearly as much, in a way - if anything, his got easier, while mine got much, much harder.

I am unhappy a lot of the time. It is a struggle. I suggest you do get counselling, to figure out what you want and also maybe to help you see if there are strategies to help you cope. For me, I have committed to this - I do not want to give up our family. I love the DSCs and I love my DH so I want to make it work. But that means, for me anyway, figuring out some ways to still get what I need and especially to get what I want for DD - I don't want her to lose out because we have to make so many choices based on what the DSCs need or want - it is one thing for me to sacrifice and compromise, but I don't want to sacrifice and compromise on her behalf, IYSWIM.

So, no answers here, but loads of sympathy.

Fooso, how are you feeling now?

Hi Redhen, thanks for asking - I'm feeling much better and more optimistic now. I'm off to see the Docs later - hopefully they will sort me out with counselling. My DP has listened to me and is trying very hard to understand and be supportive so I am hopeful that I can work through this...

Fooso, so glad uve made some headway and going to docs and that u and DP are talking... :)

Fooso, I'm glad you're feeling better and DP is listening to you.