wanted sm perspective

[flameme]

I genuinely want a sm perspective on this. And I am prepared to be shot down as name suggests.
Things with ex still v messy and yes he did go off with OW.
DCs have met OW - no overnights because of the mess at present.
I have real problems because of whole situation and my feelings about how dishonestly ex behaved in lots of ways, mess, unhealthy relationships, which I want to protect DCs from.
No contact between me, ex and OW. I get anxious that DCs and I will bump into her in town and I'll have no idea who this person is. I have made my feelings known that I won't support or big up GF in their lives ... that is all really.
I don't want to just suck it up, it simply feels wrong.

Hi there

I'm not sure of the perspective you're after, as there isn't a question in your post?

I'm a stepmum myself - I married my husband in October last year and am still adjusting, although I wasn't on the scene when he and ex split up. I can understand why you'd have problems with the situation given that your husband left your for OW but I wonder: if you have no contact with the ex, how do you organise contact/any other details that you may need to sort out with him? Is there any way you can get help to enable you to deal with the 'mess', as you describe it, so that the children can see their father on a regular basis with overnight stays? I apologise if I offend you in any way - there's not much detail in your post, so I'm unsure as to whether you don't allow overnight stays because of concerns with how your ex treats your children, or if it's because you don't want them near the OW. If it's the second one, that is, in a way, punishing the children for what their father has done, which isn't fair to them.

Oh, one last thing: whilst I wouldn't expect my husband's ex to big me up, I would also hope that she wouldn't be slagging me off to my stepson either. You may have issues with the OW, but it's probably best kept to yourself, rather than passing these opinions on to your children, as they may end up spending a lot of time with her, and that will provide them with more conflict to deal with.

At present all contact is arranged through other family members. It is limited contact due to various legal issues. I guess I am asking how a sm who hadn't been the OW would view idea of situation. I realise things happen, relationships break up but I find real disconnect between how I would deal with the situation re a new DP and how ex is doing things.

Ah, I see. Yeah, that is a tricky thing to sort out in your head, I think: I would do it xxx way, so why doesn't he?

From what you've written, I wonder if it's worth thinking about counselling? I don't like just throwing that out there, but it may help you come to terms with the changes that are happening in your life, and how to deal with the situation in a way that is least stressful for you and your children. As a stepmum, I can understand why my husband's ex wouldn't want much to do with me at all - I mean, why would she? - but my husband will always be a big part of his son's life, and I would probably find it difficult to deal with if he felt any differently! When I went into my marriage, my hope was that me and ex would be able to treat each other civilly - I think that's about as much as can be expected, honestly, particularly when I know that things do not always turn out that way. Also, I would hope that, whatever feelings my husband's ex has about me, that she would keep them to herself and not share them with my stepson. It seems there are a LOT of instances where that doesn't happen, causing real difficulty and fracturing the family involved even more. Again, I know this doesn't always happen either!

I don't know if that gives you any further perspective? Hopefully, more experienced stepmums will be along shortly!

OP some questions if u don't mind. How long have u been separated? How old are the kids and is OW the one he left u for? Sorry for bluntness but ur post sounds like ur hurt and still hurting which is v understandable. I met DP afterhis divorce so no others for him. She was the adulteress in their relationship so have not to deal with the same as u as v diffenrent situation. ExW hates me with a passion as she doesn't like her kids being close to me and I do understand that but I treat them as if my own. No disneyaction in our house to their mums. Im not a threat but she makes me one if that makes sense. Thing is its bloody hard and it will get easier but I think u should just be honest as I'm, for one, not going to flame u. What's really bothering u...if u bite the bullet and say, we as SMs can be honest with u and try to help u or calm ur worries. :)

Thanks Lost. Yes, she was OW in our relationship. So it does feel hard to be positive about situation and about her best intentions iyswim. Ending was not nice with him playing me and possibly her off against each other. I didn't have guts to be decisive as he'd worn me down with other stuff - basically not a good partner re bringing up the DCs so I was too exhausted to think straight.
I have no idea about how disney it all is or might be, I suspect he has painted me as nasty bitter ex and it feels that because nothing much is sorted re DCs and can't be until the court process is over - which he began as didn't want mediation - then nothing is straightforward at the mo. DCs are both preschool.
My gut reaction is that DCs see him once a week and until whole sorry mess is sorted out then she should step away for a while.

Listenly firstly I'm sorry that he's hurt u that way. It's cowardly to just sneak off n find someone else and if u think about this, it may make u feel better. If he did it to u, likelyhood is he will do it to her. Relationships started on a foundation of dishonesty rarely last. Is she wanting to be an active SM already? With a messy court thing going on she may well stand back as that is very difficult to get involved with. Do u know she wants involvement with DCs? There's so many questions I could ask it I don't want to upset u more. Like her age, if u know much about her but in honesty u have little ability to change her. I would say, continue toremain focused on ur DCs n don't agonise on someone u can't change, get some counselling to help you. You need to mend a very broken heart first. It's so tough as I have friends in similar situations and am just remembering stuff they said to me whilst writing. Xx :)

I'm sorry you are faced with this

The stark reality is that you can't influence whether or not your ex's partner spends time with the DCs unless you prevent them seeing their Dad - no matter how much he has hurt you, he is their Dad and they have a right to a relationship with him. How he chooses to parent them is up to him.

If the DCs know or believe that you are unhappy about the time they spend with your ex and his partner then they will begin to feel guilty when they enjoy themselves with them I have experienced a very young DSC withdraw from me every time he realised he had 'forgotten' that his mummy didn't like me. He was so conflicted - he didn't want to hurt his mum and didn't understand why she was at best ambivalent, and at worst hostile towards me

The hardest part of my separation from DDs Dad has been accepting that he doesn't do things the way I do. DD spends half her time with her Dad and SM. Counselling helped me accept it, but it is still hard sometimes to reinforce his way of doing things to DD, but I know it is what I would want him to do. It's not a case of right and wrong - we just do things differently.

I'm a sm but dh's ex was the one to have affairs and I came on the scene much later.
Generally I think it's best to have period of stability for the dc's before a new partner is introduced on the scene however there are no laws to enforce this (shame!) as society hopes that each parent acts in the child's best interests.

One perspective to give you is that your ex and ow won't have wonderful times when they are with the dc's. It will be tough especially if she has children. In my experience most people who have affairs are ridiculously optimistic to the point of delusional. They never look at the reality of life with the new affair partner. Will life really be different when the mundane parts of life kicks in? getting up early with dc's, feeding the dc's, cleaning up, dealing with the tantrums etc.

I think if the dc's want to see their dad then you should encourage that they visit and make sure you use the time to build up your energy and strength. Sadly you can't prevent him from introducing ow too soon but take control over what you can control. Use the time to start building back up your life and in 18 months when the novelty has worn off for him you will have a great life.

Your dc's will also benefit when they see a strong mum, who didn't prevent them from seeing their dad. They will always know which parent acted in their best interests. This is my firm belief, do what's right for the dc's and they will appreciate it later in life.Your ex may appear to hold the cards now but that won't last forever.

I'm a sm and my DS has a sm, so i can see both sides! smum99 says some wise words, your DC will benefit from seeing you are strong and don't prevent them from seeing their father. and notadisneymum is spot on , you can't influence these things without stopping them seeing their dad . Kids grow up remarkably fast and have a good sense of what is not right and where there are gaps in stories. They are not just your children, they love their father just as they love you, and must want to spend time with him, they probably miss him terribly if they don't get much contact. It is hard to maintain a proper parenting relationship when your contact is very limited.

Its difficult to get a real sense of what is going on from your post but I agree with others who say some counselling to help you come to terms with what has happened will help.

I suspect my ex started seeing his new wife before we split up but our relationship was so awful i can't blame. I'm glad my DS has a nice sm, she seems like a nice person who likes children and they have a fun time together. I would hate for him to be miserable or to spend time with a woman who resented him being there. He spends time with his father alone too and I do think that's important BUT we cannot dictate the conditions during the time our dc spend with their fathers, we have to let go. I have no reason to bad mouth sm or my ex , that would confuse DS terribly and I would hate him to blame me years later for making it hard for him to have a good relationship with his dad. I use my free weekend (we do alternate long weekends) and free Wednesday night to do things I want to do! I love having a break to be me , and I love not having to do the school run once a week ! Yes it took a while to get there, free weekends were hard at first, I missed DS. I still miss DS for the first few hours he's gone but then I get on with all the things I've had to put to one side and I enjoy seeing friends, getting up late, eating a sandwich for dinner without feeling guilty at not providing a proper dinner etc.

Re my DSC I think they are great, we get on well and i enjoy spending time with them but the relationship is very different from that of your own children. No one can ever replace a child's mother, nothing comes anywhere near to that bond.

that doesn't mean i don't treat them the same way as I treat my ds but the relationship is more tenuous, if DP and i split up then I will lose contact with them almost inevitably. Now I don't think that will happen but i'm trying to show how it differs. Also I don't make major decisions about my step-children. Those sorts of things are done by their parents. Dp and I discuss what to buy them for birthdays and christmas, where to go on holidays etc etc but schools, health care, religion and friends they see when not with us aren't in my remit at all. I just try to make sure they have a nice time when they see their father, make sure we have food in that they like and stuff like that . Its not Disneyish though! very far from it.

I don't know who said it, but the advice "You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex" is the most valuable anyone can give. Obviously it is hard to understand why you are currently not allowing overnights from what you have posted, but I'm assuming the legal issues mean he is a threat/danger to them in some way? In which case, perhaps your worries about the OW are easier to focus on than the real issue, which is the way your ex has behaved.

or maybe op just hates OW and/or her ex and is punishing her ex for leaving her. My DP had to go to court to get contact (access back in those days) and the barrister said the commonest reason by far he sees disputes over access is to do with a new partner. Unfortunately jealousy and putting own needs first are rather common , however the courts have seen it all and are wise to the tricks some women (and men) play. If he is a danger to his DC then he won't get to see them, if he isn't then he will. Obstructive exes can make their kids lives difficult, confusing and sad, not to mention fuck them up for the rest of their lives.

scissors - if only it were that simple

A small minority of women do maliciously allege against their ex, but in many of those cases, the DCs are deprived of a relationship with their dad forever, despite court intervention.

I understand how painful your experience was but there is nothing in this thread to suggest that the OP is alleging against her ex - just a recognition that accepting another woman in her DCs life is hard - and i agree - no matter how much you understand it is in the DCs best interests

ok, maybe i am projecting my own past onto this post. In our case DP and i met 6 months after the split, access had been going great during this 6 months, the split was mutual and he had DC for long weekends, his ex was young and wanted to reclaim her life and go out again in the evenings. Ex then took objection to her kids ever meeting me and stopped all access bar at her home to prevent that happening. DP had to go to court, it was a complete farce, she had no legitimate reason to stop access, however a welfare report was ordered after she made up an allegation, before that happened though they were ordered to go back to court to see the judge and she then crumbled, changed her mind and access went back to exactly the same as it was before, only DP had been punished by virtually not seeing his children for over 6 months. He got a court order (highly unusual at the time) to stop her ever messing him about again, and DP said the judge told her in no uncertain terms what the consequences could be of non-compliance. We were very lucky the judge gave a court order, very lucky indeed.
Several years down the line we all started to get on fine. DSC are now grown up . Recently I attended DSS graduation celebration where DP's ex was rather nice to me, in fact she invited me which was rather gracious of her.

I think everyone projects to some extent, don't they? I've seen how conflicted and stressed my DSS has been when his Mum involves him in adult issues this way - and I don't mean just the bad mouthing of his Dad, but the emotional incontinence. That somehow because her feelings are hurt, that the DC's will be too - that they will be 'confused' or whatever, and need 'protecting' from a person that they love. I also know how it feels from the other point of view - being cheated on, and lied to, is a horrendous shock to the system and I needed counselling to help me get over it. I might sound a bit blase because it was 10 years ago. But I knew my DD was desperate to see her Dad, and she was older so I guess I had it easier than the OP.

And OP has said there are there are legal issues, so I'm guessing there is a lot more to the situation than she feels able to post.

If you genuinely want an SM's perspective, though, if my DH/DP was being told he could only see his DC's once a week (and that on a conditional basis) then yes, I would assume that the ex was vicious and bitter and using her control over access to the children to punish him for his behaviour.

Well, I'm sure that was no help at all but I'm not sure what you might want to hear, OP, IYSWIM?

op says there are legal issues but also says her ex started that as he didn't want to do mediation. Men often have no choice but to go the court route as the ex will not be reasonable and wants it all on her terms, mediation in those cases is throwing money down the drain and is also a way to stall the NRP from taking further action. Mediation can be a great way to resolve issues and can be far cheaper than going to court but for it to work you need to both be able to listen to the other person, take on board their opinions , be able to compromise and not believe that your way of doing things is the only right way.

So sorry to hear that you've had such a rough time of it but you have to come to terms with it for your DCs sake and the sooner you do that the better it will be for them. If you can't get there yet then you really do just have to 'just suck it up', it doesn't matter if you don't want to, for your kids sake you have to.

You do seem rather fixated on the OW and counselling might help you learn to live with her presence in your children's lives. FWIW most sm are not trying to score points or be better liked than BM. Counselling will help if you have those sorts of worries. My children have a sm, I've never once doubted they love me far more than her, that doesn't mean they dislike her, they don't. She and my ex are important people in their lives and bring different things to their lives than I can. Obviously their father is far more important to them than she is but she supports my ex which helps contact go smoothly and I know the kids like her.

I agree with balia, if my partner was only allowed contact once a week and no overnights i'd know the ex was vicious and bitter, what sort of parent can you be in such a small amount of time? I'd have been devastated to see my father only once a week. 'Love your kids more than you hate your ex' what a great thing to keep in mind.

Hi, thank you for your comments. The legal stuff is to do with DV, so it is supervised contact.
I'm not embittered but stuck and protective of the DCs being exposed to another unhealthy relationship.

interesting, so why did he turn down mediation? I didn't think victims of DV would want to have mediation with their abuser. I thought DV victims were frightened of their abuser? Not to mention it isn't advisable to undertake mediation in such a situation.
I find your post rather insulting, I do hope you aren't of the opinion that all sm are wicked, funny how you call yourself flameme and then mentioned that in your first post. Something doesn't add up about this poster. You find disconnect with how you would do things with a new DP and how he is doing it, I don't see how that links to DV. If he is having supervised contact then why are you still bothered about OW being there? What could happen? This is about jealousy, the signs are written all over it.

I can see what the OP might mean, though. (sorry to talk about you in third person OP!)

If she and her DC's have been the subject of abuse, and the DC's are now seeing their Dad in another relationship (all be in supervised in order to protect them from further abuse), then I understand that the OP must be worried that they will see further signs of a dysfunctional relationship/abuse between the DC's Dad and his new partner.

This is why the supervision is so important - the contact is supervised in order to protect the DC's from witnessing anything as well as being subjected to abuse themselves. Hopefully, if there is a genuine risk, the court will order supervision in an environment where the DC's dad is unable to abuse wither them or his partner in their presence. It is encouraging that an informal arrangement has been reached regarding supervision - so many DC's miss out on a relationship all together, because there is an unfounded fear that the DC's will be in danger from a parent who has abused their spouse.

I'm not sure why the OP is worried about meeting her ex's new partner when with the DC's though - if her ex isn't there, then abuse is not a concern and the DC's will inevitably develop a relationship with their Dads partner, who may in time become their step-mum.

I do agree with spongebob something doesn't quite add up, why the worry about OW when contact is supervised? why the worry about seeing her in the street? "I have made my feelings known that I won't support or big up GF in their lives " ??? Is supervised contact soon coming to an end? is that why you are concerned?

There is nothing to suggest the supervised contact is an informal arrangement, it isn't unheard of for family members or friends to do the supervising, some areas don't have a local contact centre or the waiting list is too long , courts don't like too much time go by with no contact and a full hearing can take many months, far too long where little children are involved.

or has OW ever been abusive to you? Are you worried about what she will do or say to you in the street? It sounds stressful OP, is there anyone in RL you can talk to about it? Maybe some of your anxieties are unfounded?

Name changed for this. OP this would be better in relationships or legal. You have some nerve coming on here asking for SMs opinions, fishing more like. We are not evil women who want to steal your DC , neither are we women who will treat them badly.

Why would you ask us about a situation regarding DV? Are sm more likely to meet men who are abusers and stay with them? Why did your ex turn down mediation? And why did you want to have mediation with the man you say was your abuser? I was briefly in an abusive relationship (before I had DC) and i can tell you that I was terrified of being in the same room as him, negotiating with an abuser is surely impossible, even with a facilitator on hand.

Unfortunately you will find that many sm have had to support their partners (as I have done) through time consuming, emotionally difficult and very expensive court cases to get a decent amount of contact with their children. In many cases the mother has stopped or reduced contact for selfish reasons all the while letting her children suffer. If you have genuine concerns then the court will listen as they act in the best interests of the child, and where there is doubt or facts have yet to be proven then they will err on the side of caution and order supervised contact, which it appears to have done for you, until the next stage in the court proceedings . Ask over on legal for what to do next.

Do you honestly think most SMs would let her DP beat /berate the kids in front of her? Is that your opinion of us? or that SMs are more susceptible to being abused? You have a low opinion of us.