help needed with dss situation

[calculatrice]

Long story short, it looks as though DSS (nearly 8) will be coming to live with us (his dad, me and his half sister, 4). He has been having trouble at school and his step father (married to his mum) gave his mum an ultimatum to choose between him or her son. She appears to have chosen her husband. They (DSS's mum and stepfather) have another 4 children together and DSS's sister who is 13. Neither of them work.

My partner and I both work long hours in professional jobs (7-7) so will need extra childcare (DD is in nursery full time). My partner is often away with work abroad.

We currently live about 25 miles away, so DSS will need to change schools.

My main concerns are to get something legal in place as the last thing I want is for DSS's mum to change her mind two months down the line (she is not the most stable of people - she is also pregnant again). What do we need here? A residency order? Can this be fairly simple and non-contested? Can I apply for parental responsibility? I do not want to be in a situation if his dad is away with work, he needs medical attention and I need to try and contact his mum and am unable to make decisions on my own. His mum has always refused to speak to me despite her ending the marriage with my partner before I knew him. Me and his dad are not married in case this makes any difference.

In terms of finance this will be very difficult for us - I understand (however strange it seems to me) that because his mum doesn't work we will still have to pay maintenance for DSD? We will get nothing back from ex-wife. We will also have to find childcare for wrap around school hours 7-7. We do not quality for any tax credits. I estimate we're looking at least another £400pcm for childcare and school holiday care. Plus the maintenance for DSD ongoing.

Another option would be for my partner to give up his job. He does not want to do this, but the extra costs may not be possible for us otherwise. I presume his ex wife could not claim maintenance from me?

We will contact a solicitor about this as soon as we can - difficult because we're both at work and 80 miles away during the day. DSS had to be picked up last night and is staying temporarily with his grandparents as his mother and stepfather wanted him out of the house.

Does anyone have any advice? I know it's long! We just want whats best for DSS. Am I right to insist on some sort of legal agreement before going into this?

Oh dear I have been in a similar-ish position and can share my experience of it. When DH's younger son came to live with us we had the same issue of, what do we do to make this legal and get it all agreed in case his mother started causing issues down the line. DSS was a bit older though (13) and he chose to leave home and come to us, so a slightly different scenario.

So we went down the route of applying for a residency order and PR for me but this was a nightmare as DSS's mother went ballistic (she incorrectly assumed that this would mean she would no longer have PR and would not agree under any circumstances to me having PR despite being told time and again that it did not take anything away from her). So after spending money as well as time in court it was futile. If your DSS's mother is happy with you having PR though you may wish to proceed. I think it does make things easier. What we have done is simply write the school and doctor and say that he lives with us and gave both our names. Apparently DH can confer his rights on me anyway at any time temporarily when needed so really it's not a big deal. And dont forget if he's in an accident and needs treatment urgently, the doctors are not going to wait around for someone to find his mother and sign a piece of paper - they will act in best interests of the child.

What you should also do is apply for Child Benefit straight away as this kind of makes it official about where the child is resident and will bring in a little extra money. Note though that the rules around payment of CB will change in January 2013 and you may no longer qualify.

You should also enquire about Childcare Vouchers at your and your DH's work as you can use these against childcare you may need for him (after school etc). You will NOT need to pay child maintenance to the mother if the child is not living with her. In fact she should be paying you as she is the non resident parent, even if only a minimal amount - check the CSA site about how you go about that.

What I would say in my experience is that although it has been difficult in terms of logistics (I travel a lot with my work and DH's work pattern is very changeable and is often away too) we have managed to work around it and he's a happy lad now. The complication we have is that he rarely sees his mother (her decision) and has not spent a night at hers since he left. In your case if DSS can keep up the relationship with his mother and visit her every other weekend and part of the school holidays etc it will take off some of the pressure on you. In our case when we have had to farm him out for a night or two (if we are both away) we have had to ask our, or his mother's relatives!

Good luck - do let us know how you get on.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm convinced that it will be in his better interests to live with us. I can't see how a stepfather telling him he's worthless and that he hates him can be good for him. It's no wonder that he's having trouble at school! Hwever, I've told my partner to arrange to meet with exwife this weekend away from her husband and home and have a proper talk about what she wants to do. I do not want to take a child away from his mother if that is not what she wants (I have some suspicion she's saying what her new husband wants to hear). I want her to fully understand that if she decides to chose her husband over her son, it's forever, not until she next changes her mind. DSS needs stability.

Sadly, we will still have to pay maintenance as DSD will continue to live with exwife and stepfather. So ex wife will have one child (plus her other four!)and we'll have one child (plus our DD) but because we work and she and husband don't we will have to pay her whereas we'll get nothing from her. I've been on the CSA calculator and despite our expenses increasing dramatically, the maintenance amount will hardly decrease. So we will have to fund the extra £400-500pcm. I know people will say, well, you earn good money, you should be able to find this - but the reality is that to magic this money out of thin air in not easy.

We will probably not be eligible for child benefit come January either. We currently apply for the maximum we can in Childcare vouchers but this currently all goes on DD's nursery fees and so any extra childcare will be for us to fund.

My main issue is the legal status - I want a legal agreement (a residency order?) in place so that there's no going back. Exwife is volatile and has (a few years ago now) called the police to say my partner kidnapped the kids (we had them on a standard weekend visit and had picked them up from her the day before!).

I suspect that DSS would rarely see his mother if this goes ahead. I doubt very much that she would put in the effort to come to collect him and although my partner would go and collect DSD every other weekend, I can't see that he could drop DSS off and collect DSD - as then they'd never see each other!

Nothing is easy, eh?

Oh dear, yes I see the predicament you are in. Sorry I missed the bit about DSD still being there, so this is very like our situation (i.e. one child "each").
We too have had wild accusations made by EXW in the past so completely get where you are coming from.

I think for us we made it v clear to DSS that this was a permanent arrangement and he had to be sure of that. I think once you have DSS with you then it will soon become "home" to him and that he wouldnt want to go back in any case, even is his mother changed her mind. The courts would take his views and wishes into account if she tried to force it and request that he returns at a later date. Cant advise you really on residency or PR but maybe he makes that part of the deal when he speaks to EXW this weekend - i.e. you take DSS but she must agree to Residency and not object to PR being granted to you.
And I wholeheartedly agree about the money thing!! Our lives (more correctly lifestyle) were pretty much turned upside down by having a young person come and live with us permanently (we dont have kids together) so you can imagine what a difference that made. In our case I am the main earner so it kind of hit me harder if you see what i mean, so I really do sympathise. Sounds like you are such a lovely person though to support your DP and DSS in this way for the best and to give him the stability he needs.
Do you think there is a chance that DSD may want to come too at a later date? Just something you may want to think about.... PS just reread your original post - no EXW cannot claim any maintenance from you, your income is not counted when it comes to maintenance. It may be better for DH to consider giving up his job as you say, not just because this would mean less maintenance to pay but maybe more importantly less stress at home for you all (apart from maybe him!) with both children having him there full time. I'm assuming maintenance figure has been agreed through CSA not via court order?
I hope it all works out for you.

What a sad situation, can't offer advice on the legal side. I would suggest that your dp takes some parental leave to cope with this situation. Your dss is likely to feel unsettled and it might be helpful to have your dh around to support him through the transition.

I think we may have a similar situation with dss as home with mum is very difficult due to new step father.

Child maintenance does reduce for each child you have in your household - so as well as going down from 20% to 15% of your DP's net income, there should also be an additional reduction as a result of you now having two DCs in your household.

The ex should also be due to pay you the nominal £5 a week for your DSS. Do you actually go via the CSA? If not, and the ex is keen for you to have DSS you could see if she would agree to a different split - asking her if you could halve the amount you pay would seem reasonable.

How awefuol for your poor little Dss. he's still really young. He'll be needing some lego.

And, tbh, I would not be pushing the "Only if you are sure" thing with the mother, I would be whipping him away with a cheery "Oky Doky then" and applying for a residency order ASAP.

It sounds like your DSS has a shitty life with his mother and her partner.

And re the childcare - I know your child is in nursery now, but if you have to fund both you might find a preschool place and a childminder to be MUCH more economical.

Thank you for your kind messages. Yes, it is really sad - it makes me very upset for him. Luckily my other half's work are being very good and have told him to take the time he needs to sort this out. He's had to cancel two trips abroad for the coming month already.
Exwife is now changing her mind again, I think she realises that it's her husband who is the problem and not her son! I suspect she also feels that if she chooses her son, her husband will leave and she'll be alone with 5-6 kids. I frankly can't believe an adult would tell a 7 yr old "it's you or me", but there you go. Trying not to judge. Lord knows what will happen, but I do think he'd be best placed here for his wellbeing - if the stepdad stays around anyway. His older sister is slightly different in that she is a lot more self sufficient and does have the relationship issue with the stepdad.

In terms of childcare if he is here, I think taking our DC out of nursery and having a childminder who drops at preschool and school would be the best option. I'm not going to start trying to organise anything though until I know what's going on. It's like a soap opera. Unfortunately with a real boy's wellbeing at stake.

Good luck. You and your partner sound absolutely lovely.