Need your help with a 'wicked step-mother' (posted on AIBU)

[Ruudiluca]

Hi, I posted this on AIBU previously but was told to come here for some better advice, which I would be grateful for. Here is my post:

I have a DS with an ex, both me and my ex have moved on to new relationships and had children with our new partners.

However my son's stepmother has treated my son so badly over the past 6 years I am contemplating stopping my ex from having access to my son.

Examples:

My son has never received a birthday card from his dad that says 'son' on it. Not a big issue, except I have recently found out that my ex's wife doesn't allow it in case it upsets their children.

His wife did not allow my son to meet their new baby for the first six weeks because he wasn't "close" family.

He spent last xmas morning at theirs and apparently his stepmother was getting agitated that he was still there at 11am and said to him, "come on get ready to go, it's time you went to see your 'real' family at christmas"

I've invited their kids to my son's birthday parties as I feel it is important for his half siblings to be involved but ex never brings them.

When my son had a really bad accident in the playground and rushed to hospital as they thought he had damaged his spine, I rung ex partner as my son was crying for his dad. My ex said he would be there straight away but just had to let his wife know that she would be picking up their kids from school. I then heard her say in the background, "Well I'm not changing my plans, it's not my fault that there is something fucking wrong with him!"

The latest thing is my ex is taking his younger son on a 'bonding' trip in the easter hols. My son asked if he could go and was told no because his dad wanted to spend time with his son alone. My son is HIS son as well FFS!! My son picks up on all of this and I am sick of being the one to comfort him and explain that both his birth parents and step parents love him very much.

I am so angry for my son I could cry. Whenever I confront my ex about the way his wife treats my DS he is always truthful about what she says/does but always makes excuses for her.

WIBU to tell my ex that I am not letting him see his son until his wife treats my son better?

She sounds like a horrible woman and YWNBU to stop her seeing your ds
BUT stopping your ds from seeing his dad might be playing into her hands, it's probably what she wants, to get your ds out of the picture altogether.
My ex had a gf just like her - she hated my dc and refused to acknowledge them. He used to see them on his own behind her back until luckily he saw sense after a few years and dumped her.
The problem is your ex. He needs to grow a pair and stand up to her or at least make more effort to see his ds by himself.

I agree with kaluki, on both counts - I can't see that stopping the contact will be good for your DS, although clearly something needs to change.

I also agree that the problem the problem you can address, anyway, is with your exDH. Is your relationship with him fairly amicable (it sounds like it is)? Why is he allowing this situation to carry on? Would there be any chance of getting DS into a counseling session, and asking your ex to attend as well? Perhaps if he could hear how it affects DS, it might motivate your ex a bit more to make some changes. In your shoes, I would be keen to protect my son from any emotional harm, but maybe there are other ways to go about this besides stoppng contact...I don't know, I honestly don't have firsthand experience with this - but maybe the secret is in managing DS's expectations? If you can't change the way his dad treats him (because that is really the bottom line here - his dad is the one who is letting him down), then can you make DS more resilient?

Also, can I ask - how does/did your ex treat DS before the new woman? Was he an involved and committed dad then? Is it possible that some of this comes from him being a bit lazy as a parent or even a bit conflicted himself about his place in DS's life?

My son picks up on all of this and I am sick of being the one to comfort him and explain that both his birth parents and step parents love him very much.
I do think you should stop telling him this. It must be very clear to him that no, his stepmother does not love him very much, and telling him that she does isn't fooling any one, just maybe making him confused about how an adult who is supposed to love him can act so unkindly. Stepfamilies are tough enough without a false expectation of 'happy families' - some do love each other and some do not. If your DP/his stepdad feels and shows love to DS, that's wonderful, and a real relief given what you say his stepmum is like! I'd just be more honest with him. Say that he must always treat stepmum with respect, and she him, but don't talk about love if it isn't there.

How old is your son? And what does he think about it? Is he old enough to tell his dad directly what he thinks of things?

Sounds like you'd be better to try and change contact rather than stop it. Can you or your son ask for his dad to spend more time one to one with him if that's what he'd like?

The stepmother sounds pretty nasty, though stopping your son from seeing his dad would be a harsh way to respond. You'd need to think though whether your ex would get the wake-up call he needs, or whether it might just inflame the whole situation.

My kids also have a stepmother at their dad's who doesn't really want them around. My ex seems to deal with this by separating out the time he spends with his kids from the time with his wife (and new DS too now). I think it's rather sad that they never do anything as a family, but they do both have a pretty good relationship with their dad regardless.

If your ex's DW can't be nice to your DS, then she should at least keep her distance, and allow him to see his dad. Maybe the way to phrase it (rather than issuing ultimatums about stopping contact) is that there is a problem that your DS is not happy and your ex needs to find a solution - if you simply tell him that his DW doesn't like DS, he's probably being useless because he can't see a way to solve this. But if you focus on practical changes that you'd like to see (eg more contact outside of the home, one week a year away with just the two of them, or ex to encourage his DW to attend counselling) then maybe he might be more co-operative?

Would agree with brdgrl that you are not the person to be telling him that his stepmother loves him - esp if she plainly doesn't. Tell him that you love him, and that his dad does too (and stepdad, if he does). Tell him that his stepmother should be kind to him and make him feel welcome - regardless of whether she loves him or not, and if she isn't being kind, then that is not his fault but something he should speak to his dad about.

I agree with all the above and his dad should definitely be sorthing this out - Not sure how old your DS is - You should not have to cover up for the way she is and If this were me I would be inclined to make her behaviour an "in joke" between me and my ds... "just put up with her/got out of the wrong side of bed this morning etc" - just to make her behaviour less important to his little life.

I can totally understand your feelings to protect your son, it must be heartbreaking to hear that the SM doesn't care. Most of us who are SMs post because we care very much for our step children and want to find ways to help them.

Please don't stop contact however as your ds seems to be close to his dad. I would suggest that you formalise the discussions with your ex. i.e ask for a meeting, maybe public place,calmly list the issues your ds has raised. Follow up with an email. I also think it would be helpful to list all the positives that your ex does with his son, i.e get your ex to do more of the good stuff.

Your ex has to counterbalance the sm - perhaps he schedules one to one time with his son also over the Easter. I suspect your ex isn't aware of the impact on your son's self esteem in the long term of not having equal treatment.

How old is your son? As this seems to be bullying by the SM I would encourage your son to tell his dad when this is happening.

Hi, I agree with much that has been said above.

Firstly, you must stop saying anything about whether or not the SM loves your DS. I am a SM and I know that my actions show clearly that I love my DSS. Your DS' SM is not acting as though she loves him and it will confuse him even further if you say she does. Teach your son to judge others by their actions, that is a lesson for life.

I would think your son should also judge his dad by his actions - inactions? - as well. How you get your ex to stop enabling and supporting this horrible situation I don't know, but responsibility for change lies with both the SM and the dad.

Your poor ds - I am seriously astounded that someone can be that nasty to a young child (although I know from experience that it does happen). Having been a step mum for 18 years (dss is 22 now) I can honestly say that at times I may not have liked him much (teenage years) I never stopped caring about him & would never in a million years tried to come between him & his dad. I always said that their relationship was more important than the way I felt. I now have a fantastic relationship with dss & he is a fantastic brother to ds. When I found out I was pregnant me & dp had just been on holiday alone (at that time we took dss every 2 years & he went with his mum in between) & I remember saying to him well that was our last holiday without kids cos we'll have 2 every time now. When he asked why I told him that my conscience wouldn't allow me to take our dc on holiday & leave dss behind.

I agree with other posters though that stopping contact with his dad may not be the answer although your ex may not want to discuss the problem with you. From the sound of things he either doesn't realise there's a problem or is ignoring it for the sake of a quiet life at home. I would, however try to talk to him about it & get him to address the issue with his wife. If it carries on your ds may end up voting with his feet & refusing to see his dad.

Good luck & I do hope you get this sorted out.

Talk about giving us stepmums a bad name I want to shake this poor excuse of a woman grrrr

He is a CHILD she unfortunately sounds jealous and threatened by him and the past life her partner had before her

I would explain that although step dad loves you very much and your dad and i do unfortunately she doesnt but it's like (if you have an example of a kid he doesnt get on with etc) you have to rise above it and ignore her (her loss)