What do you do when you discover they hate you?

[UtterlyGutted]

I started a thread last week about some sudden and unexpected problems with my adult/almost adult step children. Thread here

So the update is that they are refusing to talk to neither DH or me, they have refused to come and talk to us, or even just DH or now not even in a 'neutral' place.

ExW contacted DH this weekend and accused him of turning his back on his (older) children in favour of his 'new wife new family'. DH said he's been trying to talk to them but it is they who have walked away and are refusing to even discuss it.

She made accusations to him of my ill-treatment of them and emotional abuse toward them (which needless to say is entirely untrue), he told her she clearly had no idea what she was talking about, and she pointedly commented that she knew exactly what I am like as the children have been telling her for years.

(spot the irony - if I am so evil and have been so cruel to them all these years then what self respecting mother would continue to send her children to me without ever saying a single word about such cruelty and ill-treatment of her children )

Anyway the upshot of it is - they hate me, always have, don't ever want to see me again, want DH to promise that they never have to see me and then maybe they will meet with him from time to time.

I am still reeling from this, heartbroken in fact, - have any of you hit this stage (teenager thing?) and managed to get things back on track?

Oh goodness, so sorry you and your DH are going through this.

I have no experience as my DSS is still young, but there are others on here dealing with this kind of thing.

I just didn't want you to go unanswered.

My instinct says it isn't ok for the children to just say they will only see their dad without seeing you. That to me is very controlling. But I imagine that is a hard road to tread and I don't know how realistic I'm being - like I said, I haven't any real life experience. Someone more useful will be along soon!

Oh dear :( I don't really have words to describe it and I can understand why you are so upset as I know that you've been around for a long time.

How utterly horrible for you and for your DH as well. Sounds like the DSSs have been telling the ex what she wants to hear, but you are absolutely spot on that if it had really been that bad for all of those years then this surely should have come about earlier.

They need to grow up though, but its going to be hard when you have their mother enabling their poor behaviour.

{{{hugs}}}

This is not about you

Please, please don't think that if you were not in the equation things would be different- I remember agonising over that for months; wishing I'd never met DP; if I hadn't, he's still have his DD in his life.

It isn't you - it is the situation, their inability to control and the realisation that their parents are not perfect. DC's will reject the parent that they believe has the stronger emotional investment - the one who will love them no matter what they do, and that means that they love you as well.

DSD gave DP an ultimatum (her or me) over a year ago. I have survived by disengaging - I have researched and read to reassure myself that there is nothing I can do, and have left it to DP and exW to deal with - I do not get involved. I have ignored DD's intermittent demands of me (a few weeks after giving DP the ultimatum, she texted me directly, asking me to buy him a xmas gift and put in under our tree in her name!)

I have made my boundaries clear to DP, as well - his DD cannot just walk back into our home and assume everything will be the way it was the last time she was here. My DD was hurt badly by DSD; I will not subject her to that again. As for me, if DP asks, I will re-engage if DSD wants to engage with me, but I will need counselling and support to get over the resentment and anger I feel towards her.

utterly i don't have any words of wisdom, i'm afraid - seems like you have gotten good advice above. I just wanted to offer you some support and sympathy.

It is all very hurtful. I do wonder about their reluctance to even discuss it with their father - if they had years worth of stored up hurt and 'evidence', I should think they would be brimming over and ready to let it all pour out now, IYSWIM, so I do think something else could be going on with them.

Good morning.
I am entirely new to Mumsnet and wanted to introduce myself before I jump in. I am certain that the "step parent" place is where I will be!

I have been with DP for 7 years, married for 1. I have three grown up children myself, DP has two teenagers. The older, a boy, has severe learning disabilities; the other, a 14 year old girl, is currently causing us much heartache with her attitude towards her dad. Doubtless I will be posting more of that later. Neither live with us.

I have been lurking here and reading your advice for a short while and look forward to participating.

Sorry - got it wrong at first go - this was supposed to be a new thread and clearly isn't. many apologies for misplaced hijack!

Thank you all.

NotaDisneyMum I think I will have to do what you have done, disengage, I am hurt and I do feel resentment now. The ingratitude and disrespect after all the effort I have put in is just breathtaking. I could list down all the ways I have cared for them, pulled out the stops, come up trumps and saved the day for them but it would just get boring

When you say she hurt your DD badly, you mean because of not seeing her anymore? You see this is the other problem I'm fighting with, - my DSs. I feel like well if they hate me and think my children are whiny brats then they don't get to see them either - am I right or would that be terribly wrong?

That's OK AmneisaCustard welcome to Mumsnet.

Just to add, they would normally due to visit from this friday evening for the weekend, ExW said something to suggest that they might just turn up as normal anyway, DH doesn't know whether she was joking or what that meant. I've said to DH no, they can't just turn up like nothing's happened they would need to talk/apologise first.

When you say she hurt your DD badly, you mean because of not seeing her anymore? You see this is the other problem I'm fighting with, - my DSs. I feel like well if they hate me and think my children are whiny brats then they don't get to see them either - am I right or would that be terribly wrong?

My DD got caught up in DSD emotional conflict - DSD is three years older than DD, and DD worshipped the ground she walked on! Some weeks, DSD would be BFF with DD, but then she wouldn't turn up on other days, having promised DD that she'd be here - and DD was so hurt, she thought it was all her fault DSD started txting DD as well trying to get her involved in the drama; something I soon put a stop to!

I have made it clear to DP that if DSD ever wants to visit again, it will at first be when DD isn't here (DD spends 50% of her time with her Dad so not too difficult) and that I would expect DD and DSD to spend time together in a neutral place for several visits before DSD began visiting regularly.

Saying that, when DSD turned up to collect her Christmas presents, she actually came in and stayed for an hour talking to DP - I hid in the bedroom and didn't see/speak to her but DD was really good and carried on with her life as if DSD wasn't there - said a polite hello and that was it. Perhaps I should take a leaf out of DD's book, but I don't find it that easy!

We have, recently, converted what was DSD bedroom into a home office - we had planned to extend, but when DSD stopped visiting, her mum went back to the CSA and the payments went up so we couldn't afford it. I do feel a bi guilty, but also relieved that it is almost impossible for DSD to spend the night here any more, even if she wanted to (her mum lives 1/2 mile away, so it's not a barrier to her visiting unless she wants it to be).

TBH my boys have already has their feelings hurt by them with all the promises of 'next time we'll do this and that' which they never did. SS2 would say "i'll be back at 4pm so we can do that then" - he would even set DS1's clock to show when he'd be back by, but wouldn't come in until after their bedtime - imagine the problems that caused trying to get them to bed thinking that he'd be there any minute to play

Thankfully they are not old enough for 'phones as I daresay we would be having that same problem too.