How do I deal with ExW constantly slating DP and me to the kids?

[Lostinsuffolk]

I won't go into much background as its textbook "bitter" ExW syndrome here. She hoodles v good settlement after years of playing away behind hard working DH back. If feel she just wanted DH to crawl under a rock and die but he hasn't. She constantly slags us off to the kids or tells them "daddy and mrs perfect don't want to see you" which is grossly inaccurate as she constantly change access arrangements to suit herself and her many BFs. She also tells the kids their dad doesn't pay enough which is complete bullshit as he pays double what csa directs because he wants he kids to be ok financially and not have a shitty life!

My question is what do u do or how do u handle the questions from the DCs. Regularly they ask why is mum so horrible about you and dad. My standard answer is "don't know" and change the subject!

Btw we have tried talking to her but she just denies it... Mutual friends have confirmed she is still doing it after nearly 5 years since they divorced!

Your wise words/thoughts please....

Get a proper access agreement in place she she can't change it to suit her, pay what the CSA says is the correct amount and have the children as much as you can.

And remain dignified. As they grow up they will realise you are trying to make their life better for them.

Hoodles should have read "had a"!! Oops.

Initially I would have taken the view to not respond but after many years of this type of situation I've realised that if the ex's intention, by these comments,is to alienate the father then you do have to respond. How is tricky as the age of the child is important. There are books on the subject - Divorce Poison is one I recall.

Parental alienation seems to be a recently understood area so I suspect you will see further studies and books on the subject.

Ultimately dc's do work it out for themselves, age 14 or 15 but if they have been alienated then they have lost the chance of having a relationship with the parent and you can't get that back.
For contact - most definitely get a contact order, we wasted too much time not having contact and the court order was the way to go.

I agree with Smum - we discovered to late that taking the high road and ignoring is not an effective strategy and DP now acknowledges that he failed his DCs by doing this DSS needs regular counselling and DSD is completely estranged - all because it took their mum three years to get over the anger she felt towards DP (for not doing things her way).

The book Divorce Poison is excellent, as is the DVD 'Come Back Pluto' by the same American child psychologist (Warshak)

In the UK, Karen Woodall of the Centre for Separated Families is doing some research into this at the moment and she offers support to alienated parents - she has an excellent blog (it's on wordpress) and the ear of government ministers, so hopefully, things will begin to change in the UK.
Bad mouthing, bashing and alienation is now recognised in USA courts as a form of child abuse - hopefully, it soon will be here

In practical terms, counselling for the DCs is very useful - their dad has just as much right to set the appointments up and take them as their mum does, so he doesn't need her n permission.
I recommend A contact order ASAP - DSD was 12 and the court left the decision over contact in her hands; after a few tearful phone calls during which she told her dad that she got into trouble with her mum if she 'chose' to see her dad - contact stopped
Direct challenges as well - if DSS repeats something his mum has said about me or DP, DP phones her up and tells her - gives her the chance to deny it and then says 'so why would DSS say that? Is he lying about you?' She has to either agree that DSS is lying or admit she said it
Talk to the DCs about it - Warshak explains how to in his book - but the trick is not to contradict, but ask the DCs what they think If they say 'mum says you don't care' reply with 'well, I can see why mum might think that, but what do you think?'

It is hard - but keep at it, the DCs need both parents in their lives despite their mums belief

The contact side of things may level out as we have recently called her bluff. She refused to swap weekends but wanted kids for mothers day this year. So we said we would miss our weekend and I think it's caused a strain for her more. She's been very nice again since then about the arrangements but has said the routine cannot be moved. It will be like that until she wants a weekend away with one of her men, then it will change again. She fell foul last mothers day as she said she wasn't bothered to have them. (She wouldn't allow them with their father on fathers day!) When she found out we had a lovely day she made a fuss to friends saying we were cruel to not let her have them!!! It's a lose lose for us but we try to remain focused on the kids with any decision we make. We always speak to the kids and they do get asked "what they think" regularly so I'm glad we've got that right. DCs are 8 & 13. The eldest is just annoyed with his mum and regularly says negative things about his mum to whIch we always just say " you know she's like" and "she's ur mum!"and leave it at that. It's the youngest one that I worry about the most as it clearly upsets her. She regularly says "why does mum hate u?". I just say nothing.

Holidays are usually 50/50 but we do all the driving she won't drive them to us. In nearly 3yrs she's dropped them off outside where we live twice. It's a 60mile round trip for us every time which is a pain but that's how it is and we've given up trying to discuss it as it gets us nowhere.

Thanks for advice, it's nice to know others have same issue.

Definitely get a proper arrangement in place. And stick to it. It's really important that the adults don't swap access weekends to suit thier own selfish needs.

....while at the same time, ensuring that the DCs don't miss out because of inflexibility and rigid adherence to a schedule put in place by a court.

It's a balancing act that very few households get right all the time

Thanks ladies... I'm with u on that. Hopefullly we can get that sorted with little trouble. Currently ExW isn't even speaking to us. So life is easier ;) Kids are ok tonight. In bed quiet. Pity DP didn't get told about parents night last week! Oh we live to try another day and no one died so all is good.... Thanks again for the support/advice, It's really appreciated.

As part of the court order you can ask for the travel to be shared. Contact is for the benefit of the child so it's not so much quality time if the parent is exhausted from the travel.

Also make sure your dh has contact with the school, legally they should provide information to both parents. Most schools will happily oblige and we tend to use the schools web site so we have all the key dates.

Thanks again. Me andDP chatted through ur comments and came to the conclusion that we need to up our game and get more organised. Considering the options put out there about the travel and contact we have some thinking to do! :)