why does a capable mum hand the child over to ex and SM?

[Galvanise]

Are any SMs anyone willing to share why their SC is in their care (ie lives with them and just visits mum) despite having a capable mum? I am only talking of instances where the mum IS able to be the main carer (ie: financially ok and mentally fine too) but chose not to. I find it hard to understand how a mum can let go of her little toddler and still remain sane.

Getting a picture of both sides would be great. Please don't flame me, i am just trying to understand.

In our case it wasnt a little toddler but a secondary school age boy that came to us. He and his mother had a difficult relationship. She is physically able to look after him and financially, but she is a very difficult/volatile person. She had also spent years saying "if you dont do what I say I will send you to live with your dad!" as some kind of threat. Needless to say when it all got too much for him he left and came here!
She regrets it, I am sure. He doesn't. She has been mentally trying to "punish" him for "abandoning" her ever since.

The mother will probably feel the same as many non resident fathers feel.

In our case it was DSD's choice & her mother has fought to change it, we have full residency though. However given your criteria I wouldn't necessarily describe her Mum as fully capable, which no doubt contributed heavily to DSD's decision.

Her original reason to not go back after a normal access weekend was because she was scared of her Mum's DP, so potentially the only reason I can think of for your scenario to happen would be if a Mum 'chose' a new partner over her kids.

I have seriously considered becoming DDs NRP and placing primary care of DD in her Dads hands on a number of occasions.

He is an incredibly difficult person to deal with and time and time again has disrupted DD in order to secure the 'equality' he believes that he is entitled to.

We have 50:50 of DD but, currently, her primary address is with me. That hasn't stopped him redirecting her mail, changing her address with the GP/school, cancelling childcare arrangements, and generally being a complete arse. His current campaign (regarding school transport) could lead to issues of eligibility for the school - great move, Dad!

Some of it is his desire to control me; he demands we meet and speak face to face frequently (he would prefer daily but would accept weekly) because we are co-parenting; he regularly expresses his disappointment in my words and behaviour, and he undermines my parenting at every opportunity.

When he becomes particularly relentless, it often seems that the best solution would e to give him what he wants (DD)

Now she is older, it is a lot easier - but had she been a toddler when we split, I think I would have crumbled by now and handed over primary care in order to continue enjoying DD's company when I could, rather than constantly undoing damage

Hi, I am not going to flame you but I can't answer your question.

I can think of a hundred reasons why a mum might not live with her kids. But I don't think you are asking 'why', I think you are asking 'why' - does that make sense? I feel you are really asking 'how can they?'

Women, whether mothers or not, are all individual and so your or my view of our situation with our own child(ren) is irrelevant when trying to understand someone else's life.

Most men want to live with their children, but some men choose not to. Other men unfortunately have to face the fact their family has broken down and therefore they can't. I think it is the same for women who don't live with their children. It is just that people ask 'why?' more when women either put themselves or find themselves in that position.

There is a charity - Mothers Apart From Their Children - which has some interesting information.

I think it's difficult to generalise. I have a friend whose DS lives mainly with his dad now - they shared his care 50-50 originally but it just kind of makes more sense for him to stay with his dad these days. My friend has a busy social life, work and voluntary work that take her away from home quite a bit. Many of her friends are single so she doesn't always find that the things she wants to do work with her DS too. His dad doesn't do a lot really, lives right near the school, and is very close to his son. So everyone's happy.

Think women do vary in terms of how much they feel a need to be with their kids. Some seem to find just one night away really stressful, others are quite happy to have their kids away for weeks at a time. As long as, as a mother, you make sure that they are well cared for (either by you or someone else), I don't think you could say that either type are better mothers really. So if the example you're thinking of the DC is being well cared for and loved by the father, then the mother's done nothing bad really. It is also possible to be financially and mentally OK but to find that motherhood doesn't come naturally, or that single motherhood is hard work.

notadisneymum you have it tough, feel really bad for you. Dont give in, you have obviously fought off such pressure up until now. You are really a tough cookie to still be standing despite all of that!

chelen i am sorry, i was trying not to come across hostile, but i guess a part of me does feel surprised. But as you said, it is not my place to judge. My question from this point will be a true why rather than an incredulous why as i already feel quite humbled by some of the stuff in the thread.

I guess i find it easier to relate to the SM perspective rather than the NRP perspective.

I worked with someone who was NRP to her DC, her XP worked flexibly from home and she was out the house for over 12 hours on her working days. Staying with XP was less disruptive to DC's schooling and social life so I think a large part of it was putting what was best for the DC ahead of any of the adults.

DSS (15) has lived with us for over 3 years. He was always a handful and was tested for ADHD more than once. He needed/still needs firm consistent parenting but didn't get it from his DM. Consequently, she could not cope with the resulting unruliness and lack of respect and finally gave up.

He's given us a rough ride, became a father last year and he's never going to be angelic but I truly believe he'd be dead or in prison by now if he'd stayed with her.

I think the other thing to remember is that children don't "belong" to one parent more than the other. Sometimes parents forget that. I firmly believe it's really important (barring of course cases of neglect, abuse etc. where there's a strong reason not to have contact with one parent) that children in divorced/separated/step families have regular contact with both parents.

I am a divorced mother, and share custody with my ex approx 60 (me)/40% (him) - due to his working away a lot. I am aware that at some point my DSs might say they want to live more with their dad. That will hurt, but I'll have to take it on the chin.

In our case, DSS's mum simply (we think) got tired of being a mother.
When he was little she doted on him but as he got older and more independent she was just not interested. My DP likens it to when someone has a puppy, they are mega cute when small but not quite so when they grow.
She left DSS two weeks short of his 5th birthday. I think my DP thought it was her leaving the marriage but she told him later that if they hadn't had DSS she would have stayed. Its a horrible thing to know, if I'm honest, and something that will never be told to DSS.
It makes it harder to understand as he is such a lovely child, and really easy. However I've learned to put a lid on my 'why' feelings about it all. Everyone is different, not everyone is able (or wants) to put someone before themselves. Just because she gave birth to him, that fact alone doesn't make her a suitable parent. She loves him, I don't doubt that at all, but she really doesn't want him full time at all. Her every other sat-sun suits her fine, she disney parents him when she has him and thats it.

Its easy to judge a parent that walks away from their child. But sometimes it doesn't actually help to do that; it can eat you up inside.

my DSD came to live with us fulltime in Jan, her mum is fully able to look after her (has other kids) we got a txt on a friday night come get her or she goes into care, BM has also now changed her email's, numbers and left FB etc even CSA couldnt contact her

We are still dealing with this and the issues DSD has because of this and as far as we can tell its because she looks and acts like her dad and the new bf didnt like her

Work that one out, if you have an answer let me know lol as DSD is a gorgeous wee darling who doesnt deserve that