AIBU .... to expect my husband to understand how hard it is to be a stepmum?

[evilstepmother]

The short version:

It was my stepdaughters' birthday today and I have always been expected to be around whenever any of the three children they open their presents from us, even when I am late and running out of the door.

This year, in discussion with my husband, it was agreed that he would take her for breakfast on his own and she would open her presents with him.

This has bothered me all week, I have felt like my husband wouldn't be interested and only finally told him on Saturday night. He didn't understand and wasn't prepared to discuss, I feel dismissed and it wasn't great until about 10pm sunday evening when it dissolved into a huge row and now I'm at my parents while they are on holiday.

The long version .... put the kettle on then come back!!

Had a huge row with my husband tonight and am now at my parents house (they are on holiday). My husband wanted to chat about the fact I've been a bit down and off sex this week.

This, I explained to him is because I am unsettled about stepmothering at the moment and did not feel able to speak to him. As a result he has come to the conclusion that we have huge problems in our marriage. We then had a discussion about what we could do to help the other and his suggestions for how I could support him were to cheer up and develop a thicker skin. Neither of which I found constructive or helpful and it sprialled.

To put into context. I have known my husband for five years. We have been a couple for two and married for six months. We know what we are doing and had a series of long discussions about the realities of how a step family should work both with each other and with the priest that married us. What we failed to discuss is how to deal with supporting your wife when she needs a hug.

My husband has been divorced for 8 years. I obviously was not involved. The children are 15, 12, and 8, they life with their mother about five minutes away. Mother loved me until about two months before the wedding when I think it hit home that I was permannet and I have gone from being welcome in her home whenever we pick up the children to it is preferred if she doesn't see me. Around this time, a huge row erupted between my husband and the 15 year old son. As a result, everyone was upset, the son stopped speaking to my husband and didn't come to the wedding and things became strained with the 12 year old (daughter). The 8 yr old is apparently oblivious. All of this is completely understandable, there were two long term girlfriends before me and while is has been acknowledged that they prefer me to the exes, I think the shock that Dad was getting married was a bit much, probably most of all for the ex wife. Nothing unusual so far.

What has shocked me is how profoundly hurt I was and have been since, followed by how my otherwise understanding husband just thinks I'm over the top. My husband has a difficult relationship with his eldest son and is so used to various rows, upsets, children not speaking to him and the ex-wife's monday morning phone call with the latest list of complaints that he is completely numb to it. He takes the call, them gets on with his day, in his words he "compartmentalises." An area I am regularly reminded that I lack skills in.

We are now at a point where the youngest son stays all the time and really likes me (a parent from his school dropped him off on Friday and told me that she overheard my stepson telling her son that he could meet his stepmum, that I'm lovely, and that some stepmums are horrible but his isn't) while the other two are ok with me but any bond we had before the row is lost and they both have a difficult relationship with their Dad.

The main problem is the daughter. It's textbook. She has been number one girl from the previious marriage through the previous relationships and now dad has "two girls." This is no doubt very tough to deal with and I am very aware that we need to be careful. There have been signs that she has been stuggling with being one of two girls that Dad loves since we moved in together about 18 months ago. Things such as when I get up to get a drink, she would move to my spot and stroke the back of her dad's head like I was etc. None of this I consider a problem. In fact I pointed it out to my husband at the time that we need to make sure that she gets enough attention and was dismissed and being paranoid. It is painfully obvious to everyone including my husband that she needs time with him, which I wholeheartedly support and in fact encourage him to contact the children more than he does. I'm not sayin this to prove that I'm perfect, I just want to ensure that you don't think that in any way have a problem with with the children having a relatioship with their dad without me.

The reason I have been a bit upset this week is because it is the daughter's birthday today. Since we have moved in together, on birthdays we've given joint presents and cards and we've both been there when they opened them. Of late, my husband has barely seen his daughter. This is due to him working full time in a very high level job about two hours away from where we live and not being home before 7:30 most nights and that she has a very busy schedule dancing and being 12 (there is something in the ex wife wanting to ensure that her children consider her to be perfect while dad is the bad guy but that is for another thread!). So in discussion this week, we decided that he would take her for breakfast and just open her presents with the two of them. I suggested it and I completely support it, however I was slightly gutted that he didn't suggest that I see her open her presents. Stupid I know and it has made me sad. This is because I have never felt excluded from his family until now and it not only hurts but it also scares the hell out of me.

This has resulted in me being a bit quiet this week and by the time it got to saturday, I couldn't stand the thought of being in our house waiting for him to come home and just made myself scarce for the day. As a result my husband had a perfect morning with his daugther followed by a fantastic time with his youngest son in the afternoon. All brilliant, and I'm thrilled, frankly there are times I don't think he prioritises them highly enough and I thik he could make more of an effort. So anything like that is great.

So by saturday night, he wanted to go out for a few drinks. I wanted to deal with our disaterously messy house and the huge pile of ironing. Sad, I know. But part of it was because we are both extremely busy and time poor and a project that has taken over my time for the past few weeks is now over and I need to get back on top of the house and partly because I didn't want to go out, have a few drinks and end up in a row. I should add that I run a business from home and I think at times, there is an unfair expectation that I should do some of the housework while he is at work, however to counter that, we do have a cleaner, he does do the cooking and he earns a lot more than I do.

So following me saying that I didn't want to go out. I explained why I have been feelin sad. He just looked at me, told me he didn't understand. And that was it. He was no longer interested. So I said that if he didn't want to discuss it and wanted to go out, that was fine with me but I need to sort out the house. So he went out without saying goodbye and I did the ironing, including 15 of his work shirts because due to me being busy, he was running out.

When he returned, it was awkward, I didn't know what to say and he (apart from checking whether he should get into bed with me) didn't ask how I was or want to discuss it. It was odd this morning and then he went out with my youngest stepson (who was dropped of early doors) and returned later with some flowers and card from my youngest stepson for me for mothers day. This was in no way the stepsons' idea and he even apologised for the poor handwriting becasue he had to do it in the car. I do appreciate the gesture from my husband and thought he might understand a little bit. but when the mother's day festivites with his mother and grandmother were over and we had dropped the youngest stepson home, he asked me to go to bed with him to make love.

Not that I'm complaining about that. But I just didn't want to, it still felt sad and it would have been fake. So I said no and asked if we could just curl up on the sofa, at which point the discussion started and it all went wrong. Frankly I feel like if I had just gone to bed and faked it, I would have had a much more successful evening.

So here I am without even a spare pair of knickers.
My husband thinks I resent him spending time with his children and that I'm weak and pathetic when actually I think I put up with an awful lot, suport him wholeheartedly and just wanted a bl**dy cuddle.

Am I being unreasonable?

sorry about typos, length and emotive language etc, it is late!

It's very late. I'm not sure you're helping yourself (sorry). It seems that you don't say honestly what you want. You wanted to be there when she opened presents but you counted yourself out of it.

You also sound resentful (completely understandably) of the ex wife and she seems to be driving a bit of a wedge between you and the children. It's great that your step son loves you.

I wonder if the boundaries you have set up aren't the way you want them now. I think you half wanted your DH to be with his daughter followed by his son for the day - but the other half was pissed off that he did.

And it led to you not wanting to go out with your DH and instead ironing 15 of his shirts like a bit of a martyr.

So, in summary - you're not saying what you really want and you're giving mixed messages to your DH.

Maybe right now you don't know what you really want? And you're trying to figure out some new boundaries?

You are right in some respects, I had a similar conversation with my husband.

However I completely disagree that I even half pissed off that he wanted to be with his children. I don't think he contacts them enough, what hurt is that I think being there together we we give presents jointly is showing a good example of a united front which my DH regularly harps on about. Apprently the children (and the ex wife) need to just deal with the fact that I'm permanent (although for the first time ever I don't feel like I am) yet this seems to fly completely in the face of it. I didn't even want to go for breakfast. It would have taken ten minutes tops and less than six months earlier, I had to wait around and was late for something I had planned because my husband insisted I stayed while my eldest stepson opened his presents. (he had arrived unannounced three months after his birthday because at the time of his birthday he wasn't speaking to his dad). I don't think I'm the only one giving mixed messages.

DH (I'm assuming that means husband?) wants me to be more "myself" around the children. I was last year to the extent that did the awful thing of setting one rule of the house...that shoes were not to be left at the bottom of the stairs. This led to a family discussion at the mother's request, at her home, with the children where the older two said that they felt so uncomfortable in our house that they didn't want to be there, the reason being, that I was getting too bossy and they didn't like the fact they had to move their shoes. This was in the midst of all of the rows and was followed up with a text message from the eldest stepson saying that he didn't like me, I wasn't his mother, he wouldn't accept rules and that he finds me irritating.

The problem I have is that I'm really struggling between being myself and worrying that being myself will create more wedges. This is why my husband advised I cheered up and developed thicker skin.

Neither of us can say a word out of place without the older two immediately texting word for word back to mum. The huge row erupted because the children decided that we should have a dog. Husband said we were both too busy and never at home and suggested that as thier mum didn't work, perhaps she could. Very stupid mistake on his part. By the time he dropped the children back the next day, the mum was on the doorstep to discuss. What annoys me even more is within ten minutes of it happening, I knew there was a problem and said that the oldest was clearly annoyed about something. My husband completely dismissed me as paranoid and it turns out I was right. I'm no expert on children but it doesn't take a genius to work out when someone's annoyed.

In this kind of environment, when every movement is being judged and followed up with a performance report on a Monday morning, being myself is a bit of a challenge. I am being myself by both caring about how they feel and by asking for them to just move thier shoes so I don't trip over them yet I get dismissed by my husband as over the top and paranoid and have two children who decide they don't like my husband and by default me on a whim.

My number one priority the whole way through has been my husband's relationship with the children. I didn't move in with DH until we'd discussed it with them and they were happy, and he didn't propose until he had spoken to them (on my request). I'm just tired of feeling like an unwelcome guest in my own home and while my husband says I should toughen up and just deal with it. He has no idea (no matter how many times I tell him) how scared I am that I may become part of the reason why their already fractured relationship breaks down entirely. I just can't be that person.

I know it's not all about me, none of this is. It's all about the children and their relationship with their father. That is the priority and his resposibility not mine. He broke it, he left, he had the affair and it all happened before me and as his (new) wife I need to just accept it, however when he then follows this up by telling me that his relationship with his daughter is at an all time low, I can't help but wonder if I'm part of the problem and whether me leaving is the solution. Which for the record, I really don't want.

So my question still stands, while acknowledging that I have sent mixed signals, like every other parent and step-parent in the world, have managed to get it wrong and I am responsible for some of this..... Is it unreasonable to expect my husband to at least try and understand and support me rather than bemoan the fact that as we have't had sex for a week he doesn't feel desired and demand that I just need to toughen up and cheer up?

PS shouldn't have brought up the shirts, I promise I wasn't being a martyr, they just sit in my office staring at me and driving me mad!! I also ironed my own clothes which I haven't done in a couple of weeks except in emergencies and just wanted to live in a less disaterous house and haven't had time in the week when he's at work to do it!

Right, your second post explains a lot more - the 2 older children sound dreadful ! Of course you should be able to decide some rules in your own house!

And most importantly your DH should support you massively.

I don't really know what your DH means by ' grow a thicker skin' here, does he want you to tell the children off like any normal parent?

I thnk you sound like a great step mum. And I think it's a shame the older two are being difficult with you, I hope they come round eventually

If it's possible for you step back emotionally from the older two and try to ignore the texting. But also set some rules that aren't negotiable for you in your home.

Hi evilstepmother. You sound like me.

Ok. I think it's your typical "it was ok whilst she was just another girlfriend, but we're not happy that he's married her/made her permanent/loves her". This may be especially hard for his daughter and I really dislike that creepy "he's MY daddy/I'm the lady in his life" thing going on. Instead of retreating and letting their insecurity about you and their (new) position in dad's life torment you, you must try to be strong.....or as dh says "grow a thicker skin". That's not to say you can lay down the law and ride rough shod over the kid's feelings (and I know you won't, you're clearly NOT that kind of person) but making one simp,e rule and them reacting so badly to a reasonable request, shows that they're just not happy with the new status quo. I imagine his ex and her attitude and shock regarding his marrying you, is behind much of this. She appears to have taken it badly and the kids are the ones left with the fallout from that.

Briefly....I have 3 steps. Older than yours. Have been married 3 yrs and went out for 4 yrs with my dh before marrying. I came along a few years after my dh's ex ended their marriage with her affair. Now, as a girlfriend, I was ok. As a wife it was a different matter. The oldest daughter is a delight; the middle son took a little time to warm to me and we get on ok now. The youngest daughter was not and is not happy with her dad having another female in his life, who he clearly adores. We (rightly) made lots of allowances over the years. Allowances have now turned into excuses. She has not visited her dad for 7 months because she was asked (by both of us) to adhere to a few simple house rules.

It upsets me terribly because I've tried so hard to welcome her etc and she's gotten away with very bad behaviour so as to keep the peace (in the past) but honestly, the more I tried with her, the more resentful she became. If dh bought me so much as a bunch of flowers, she hated it. My encouragement for them to spend dad/daughter time together was ignored yet now, she only wants to see her dad on his own "so as not to be reminded of her". It's ridiculous. He, dh refuses this because he says she has to accept we are a couple and whilst he loves her 100%, he will not be forced to choose between one or the other of us. He believes I have done nothing wrong and I have nothing to reproach myself for. I was the same with all of his three. No favouritism beyong the special attention the youngest got because she was the "baby".

Let your dh calm down. Stay at your mums. Buy some knickers. Look after yourself. Let him iron his own sodding shirts and then he may start to realise he needs to discuss the situation properly, sort out some basic house rules and get the point over to his kids that he loves them and wants them to feel welcome but.....the two of you are a united couple, you require levels of manners and ways of behaving as a household and that neither of you are seeking their approval of your relationship. YOU are his choice and he yours, they need to have a little tolerance for that.

YANBU - it sounds like you have been treated appallingly by his older dc. But its lovely that you have a good relationship with the youngest.
I do sort of see where your DH is coming from. One thing I have learnt being a stepmum is that you do have to develop a thick skin. You can set rules, be yourself and tell them off - you can't be scared of rocking the boat all the time. I was scared to say anything to my stepkids for a long time as I thought they wouldn't like me and would tell their Mum they didn't want to come to ours anymore and DP would suffer. But it is your house, he is your Husband and you have every right to ask them not to leave their shoes at the bottom of the stairs or whatever.
Regarding the present opening - I think you were (subconsciously maybe) testing him. You wanted him to insist on you being there but he took the easy way out and agreed to see her on his own. So you sulked for a week and by the time he found out why it had escalated into a row. Learn from this - sometimes men need things spelt out to them in black and white and the fact that it was your suggestion made him think things were fine.
His ex wife sounds vile - poor you. You should ignore her Monday morning updates like he does. Don't give her the satisfaction of getting to you.

I don't think your question is unreasonable, your husband should try to understand you and support you. He is getting a huge benefit out of having you - helping him with the kids, the house, his ironing - while you get a lot of stress and worry by the sounds of it.

Becoming a successful stepfamily takes ages, masses of time and effort. It is really hard work.

Leaving out all the stuff about the kids, I think your DH is not being very supportive and he should listen to how you feel. The answer is not simply for you to cheer up and get a thicker skin - I am sure there will be some issues where you have to do this but some will need a combined effort if you are to become a proper team.

We went to relationship counselling to help with our step situation, this worked really well for us. Would your DH do this - because then he might actually listen to how hard you are finding things?

I second the idea of counselling - perhaps not with your priest this time, but with someone specifically trained in stepfamily issues and who is free to listen to you (and your DH) and help you find practical solutions, rather than providing a spiritual focus. (I mean no offense; I found church-based premarital counselling useful myself, but I think the situation you describe calls for something else now.)

The one thing that positively leaps out at me from your posts is how much you have allowed yourself to take a back seat. You seem very apologetic for your role. I really think you need to put your foot down, hard. You and your DH need boundaries and limits. I appreciate that you are trying to be nice and to be supportive - but who is supporting you? Who is being 'nice' to you? You have every right to come first as your DH's partner. (There is a good book called 'Stepcoupling' that I would recommend to you. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting is also very helpful in terms of day-to-day strategies.)

I don't know if you have had a chance yet, but please take time to read the other threads on this board. I think you will start to see a lot of things you identify with...

Hiya,

I'm sorry I haven't replied and thanked you for all of your comments. I really appreciate it. Things are still up and down and I have no idea how it is going to work out at the moment. He thinks he's making all of the effort and I'm being hysterical and I think he's making no effort and not listening!! Never mind, I'm sure we'll get there. I just don't feel like we're a team anymore. It's gone from us working together to imporve relations all round to what feels like to me as an "us and her" situation with us being him, the ex wife and the children and "her" being me.

On the bright side his relationship with all three is great at the moment and the oldest wants to work for me so he can save up some money! I won't be doing so in the short term but we shall see how things pan out. I'm assuming I can be quite bossy without repurcussions when I'm paying an hourly rate?!!! (just kidding!!)

brdgrl - thank you, I have ordered step-coupling this evening and will be cracking on with reading it (or cracking DH over the head with it!!!)

chelen - thank you for your advice with the relationship counselling, we've briefly had that discussions. He suggested it and I'm quite happy to do it, however I think he needs to sort it and book it, I feel like i'm doing all the work at the moment so we'll see if he eventually does it. Selfish I know, but I'm a bit sick of doing the life admin.

That said, having had a moan, DH is currently cooking dinner while I finish working. He doesn't know I put anyhting on here. He really can be great, except for the one thing I actually bl**dy need!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave advice again

Your OP is very long and quite hard to read.

But you clearly have boundary issues in your family. What were you doing in your DH's exW's home collecting children? Just don't go there. Why do you give joint presents and cards? Your DH is the father, not you. You need to think long and hard about your role and you need to step back and not be so needy.

Ignore that OP - you're a couple, of course you can give joint presents.

It's a horrible situation you are in in regard to the stupid weekly appraisels and yours and your husbands sign reading is all scuwiff - I think some couples counselling might get things back on track as all this will be much easier to deal with if youre on the same page.