Contact issues...again

[Smum99]

I had recently posted that ex seemed to have gone quiet, which was a massive relief. A new b/f was on the scene and a wedding had been quickly arranged and I hoped it had all settled but sadly the quiet has ended.

Background: Ex scheduled a long holiday and DH was fine as he wouldn't block a holiday but just asked that the ex was flexible on the dates either side of holiday so that it wasn't too long between visits. She agreed, many months ago (when in a more agreeable state) however she has now told DH that it will be 2 months until he sees DSS. DSS hasn't been told anything and it has come as a big surprise.

It appears that all is not going well with the new b/f and in the past when her relationship fails or she is unhappy she has lashed out at DH. We now recognise the pattern, out of the blue DH will get abusive emails which block contact.

DSS wants to see us but after a very emotional chat today (lots of tears) he has explained how difficult he finds it to tell his mum how he feels. In summary, she listens but won't make any changes and overrides anything he says. When dss says he is unhappy she tells him that she "has/is having a hard life, so tough". DSS has to tip toe around her as she feels angry/stressed most of the time. He feels a loss from stepdad leaving (zero contact now) yet his mum says it shouldn't affect him.

This is a brief summary of what turned into many hours of talking. DSS revealed how awful it has been at home. He has witnessed terrible arguments when ex was married to 2nd husband and DSS would lock himself in a room to hide. He then coped with the new b/f moving in almost immediately. DSS isn't close to the b/f and feels very uncomfortable as all the house rules have changed.

I would love for DSS to live with us but he is afraid of the change as he would have to move schools and lose contact with teen friends, who are important to him. He says he can 'tolerate it' as "it's not too bad all the time" and some evenings he can sit and watch TV with his mum.

I just don't know what to do and I feel powerless. The ex will not listen to anyone, even her family and if we don't see DSS it will be hard for us to arrange counselling for him. We could go back to court to get her to comply with the order but I know it will cause more angst at home as ex will blame DSS for wanting to see us.
DH will propose reasonable dates and hopefully she will back down without putting dss in the firing line but the reality is that if the ex wants to stop contact it will happen:(

Smum - this is a horrible situation - it's not all that far away from mine. At the moment my DP's ex is not in a relationship and being particularly difficult.

If we ever got to the situation you described I think I would have to be brave and do the right thing for the children long-term... do you and your DP know/agree on what that would be?

Cause it seems to me like it's more about changing the court order than making sure it's complied with...

What a horrid situation - I hope you manage to get through it and find a solution.

Origairose, I'm not sure why I posted really, it's just a sad situation, DSS is normally very closed so for him to be so upset it shows the extent of what he has been dealing with. I just feel for him as his mum seems to disregard his feelings and moved the new b/f into the house without any discussion.

He will try to tell his mum that he wants to spend time with his dad but as a young teen there's not much more he can do. DH would be prepared to take this back to court but I know the ex would pretend to be reasonable at the last minute but then continue to be awkward. If the resident parents wants to block contact they can string it out for a considerable period of time and really there are no sanctions.

I know this will backfire on her as she will ruin her relationship with DSS. The ex's best friend has even spoken to him and said she knows the mum isn't doing the right thing for him. If she won't listen to DSS, family or even her friends then I guess it has to be court.

So sorry this has rearedits head again Smum. I dn't have any advice really im afraid but we're here if you want to offload

Hi Smum99, I am so sorry this is happening. I wanted to focus on the little bit of positive I see in your situation - if your DSS is aware that he wants to see Dad, but feels that he can't tell/stand up to his mum, then he will one day be old enough and independent enough to make his own plans.

I know it is cold comfort now, but this situation, as wrong and as horrible as it is, at least contains hope for your DH and DSS for the future.

I am not surprised you feel angry as it is totally wrong but mum cannot control things forever and it sounds like DSS knows that his dad wanted the relationship and knows exactly who is responsible for gaps in contact.

Wishing you strength x

How old is DSS now? Is there any chance with growing teen independence he can start arranging contact direct with your dh? How far away does he live?

What would happen if he told his mum that Dad was picking him up to take him out for tea the following day?

How old is DSS now? DSS is 14

Is there any chance with growing teen independence he can start arranging contact direct with your dh? this is not allowed, she would go ballistic, her wrath is scary for me as an adult and it wasn't directed at me just in my presence.

How far away does he live? ex moved over 2 hours away, DH now really regrets that he didn't fight the move as the distance has a massive impact.

What would happen if he told his mum that Dad was picking him up to take him out for tea the following day? I have suggested that I collect DSS from school on the Friday of the weekend he was supposed to see us (it's a weekend that the ex says he can't see us because she's agreed to meet her friends and DSS must go along), he likes the idea but is scared of the reaction.However that's a good idea and I will suggest that DH takes an afternoon of work and meets up with him, it will be dss's choice if he feels able to tell his mum that he has met his dad.

This is the issue - WW3 would break out (her favourite saying) if anyone dares to disagree with her. I think ultimately DSS will move in with us, he's just too afraid of the change but he will have to go through this pain until it all gets too much. When she is angry with him and his half siblings (which he says is all the time) he disappears to a friends house so there is some relief. He also feels responsible for helping his half siblings who are much younger. Ex has always made him responsible for some of their care like getting them ready in the mornings.

I guess this an abusive relationship, she controls through anger and moods however when dss complies she will give him treats so he finds it easier to just go along with it all. He goes to friends most days after school. The ex would say that it's normal teen stuff but I don't feel it is, she doesn't have an empathy for his feelings and is just angry that he won't go along with it.

DSS has agreed that we setup counselling for him, he said he didn't realise how much all the changes have upset him and he can't stop crying when he thinks about it.The ex has previously told him only mad people have counselling:( so this is a big step forward.

Hi Smum, its a horrible situation isnt it.

My DSD seems to have been in a very similar situation to your DSS which has led to a total breakdown of her relationship with her mum. DSD left her mums house in the middle of a huge exploding row and moved in with us, this was last May. She hasnt spoken to her mum since, which isnt a good thing to have happened. She has had lots of counselling since moving in with us, her life is now settled, and happy. We are still working towards her having some kind of relationship with her mum.

My advice would be to do everything you can to facilitate your DSS moving in with you. My DH will never forgive himself for not "pushing" more for DSD to move in with us, this would have stopped the abusive emotional relationship her mother was putting her through.

Its such an awful situation, having to watch your DSS go through this especially when you really dont know what to do for the best.

Keep strong and vent on here as much as you can x

I think you are right this is an abusive relationship, because it is all about what mum wants not what her child wants. Sorry it is so hard for you all, especially your DSS.

Pinkbraces, my DH feels very guilty, his ex was emotional abusive to him, had multiple affairs and was very manipulative. However he never ever thought she would be the same to a child - otherwise he would have challenged contact more and made sure he was closer. He did once considered relocating to the area that the ex moved to but the ex wouldn't allow it. Silly really as of course he could have moved but he thought he was doing the best to 'keep the peace'.

Society just doesn't expect mums to act in such a selfish way which makes it hard to explain to people and there is no support. I know if I posted this on the main site everyone would be asking what my dh had none but her verbal lashings do come from nowhere, completely out of the blue. That's why the court order worked, it eliminated the need for debate on dates however the ex seems to want to get back into that cycle.

Thanks for listening - just realised it helps to track my thoughts as I feel wiped out by such an emotional weekend. I feel worried for DSS and want to make sure we're doing enough of the right things. He only gets one childhood.

Smum that is all really sad, I didn't realise there were younger half siblings how absolutely horrible for dss

Reality is that if they weren't there he'd probably feel more inclined to leave now.

I suppose all you can do is reassure your dss that if he ever wants to come live with you he just has to pick up the phone and let you know and that if he does that you will inform social services that they younger children need intervention. There is a chance that the counsellor will actually notify SS depending on what your DSS reveals.

DSS does know he can come to us at any stage but of course it's complex for him. He is learning that her behaviour isn't right but he loves her.

More background - DSS told me some time ago that his half siblings were being bullied by the b/f's much older dc's. I phoned a children's charity and was told to get DSS to help his half brother by getting him to tell an aunt. DSS said he would try this but on the next visit he told he in a numb voice "I got it all wrong, no bullying has ever happened, it was my mistake" which I knew was a script he had been told to deliver:(

I now wish I had informed SS as I feel some boundaries have been crossed (some I haven't mentioned here as it might out DSS) and I'm uneasy. Outwardly the ex would appear to be respectable (family have responsible roles in the community)and in my mind I was sure the ex would protect the dc's but now I'm not so sure.

That is so sad