What works in your house?

[LollyT]

Hi
I've been a step parent for almost three years and things are finally settling down and working. (tomorrow I may be saying 'aaarrgh I spoke too soon'!)

Anyway, just wondering if anyone would like to share any of their own positive experiences, as a step child or parent, about what works. Any top tips or things to consider to make life as straight forward as possible for the child?

Fingers crossed this is a lovely nice thread!

Ps. I'm not showing off, things are far from perfect and sadly one suggestion we won't be embracing is socialising with child's mum!

depends what you mean by positive! in my case my DH and I got together. i dont have kids and never wanted any but he had two from previous "management" as we refer to it, lol. After being together 8 years, the youngest one came to live with us as he couldnt bear living with his mum (who has some issues) any more. So some might see that as positive? however of course it means he doesnt see his brother very much, mostly because the mother is trying to stop contact (she has alienated him too). However, my positives are : be yourself, support the SCs, be a good example with your DH. Be aligned. Be supportive. However I will never have any contact now with EXW as she has already made it very clear that she resents me and wants nothing to do with me (despite bringing up her youngest son). God only knows what will happen when graduation, weddings, etc happen in the future!

Hi, been with my DH for four years, two now-teenage DSCs and a shared DD.

Our main issues have been around 'Disney parenting' and spousification of DSD. We don't have an ex on the scene, so I have no personal experience with that dynamic. In my case the kids are older (preteen/teen already when we met), so might be a different set of problems, if your own DSC(s) are younger.

Things have definitely improved a great deal for me and for us over the last four years, although we still have some rough patches for sure!!! But this is a 'focus on the positive' thread, right? So, what has worked for us...

• counselling, up to a point. We went to Relate; it was helpful at first, and really made the difference in getting DH to see beyond his feelings of guilt and compensation. It was also very helpful at the point when we were moving in together and establishing how things would be done. It was less helpful and even maybe a bit detrimental after a point, though.
• maybe more helpful than that - setting aside time to talk openly about our issues and especially about our parenting styles.
• consistency. Setting rules for the household, and following up on them. This is also the area we are still weakest in, and yet it is the thing that works best!
• routines, routines, routines. The demands on time and attention - and balancing those with work and personal space - are the hardest thing to navigate. We have, over the last couple of years, realised how much it helps when we are organised, whether with things like planning meals, or creating written work schedules, or even formalizing 'dates' with one another. It makes me laugh sometimes, but it really does help.
• when we moved in together, we moved to a new place, not to one of our existing homes. We set up new routines, new rules, new boundaries and 'began as we meant to go on', as much as we could.

and most of all....

• we are (or strive to be) a united front in a benevolent dictatorship. We don't run the household as a sort of democracy in which each member gets equal say or lobbies through their parent elected representative. We agree between us (myself and DH) what our goal is in a given situation, and then strategize ways to get there. The kids are encouraged to give feedback and suggest other ways - or to state their preference between several options - but we are clear now that we are the parents and we'll make the final decision.

Hi, I was going to answer 'nothing fucking works' til I saw you were aiming for a positive thread so I shall have another think

Erm, erm, erm....

As Digby Jones would say - communicate, communicate, communicate!

DP and I talk about everything and always come to an agreement This eliminates the risk that there is simmering resentment, and we are both trying to achieve the same thing.

I used to think that presenting 'a united front' would lead to the DSC resenting me, because DP was a bit of a Disney dad for a while. DSD does blame me for her Dad changing, but DSS recently admitted that 'dad' was definitely the strict one of the two of us, whereas I'm a bit of a softee!

Seeking outside help/support from professionals has been key for us too - we have been on parenting workshops, the Putting Children First programme, we've mediated several times, we have regular contact with a parenting support co-ordinator and have approached the school and GP independently as well.

Admitting our mistakes and our own role in disagreements with our ex's, rather than placing all the blame on the other has opened doors for us too; we don't come across as the bitter ex or jealous NP, so people are more inclined to take us seriously when we seek help.

Counselling for the DC's. I would recommend it for all DCs involved in a separation - from a very young age; it has been excellent

Saying all that; I don't think we've got anywhere close to 'making it work' - we lurch from drama to drama, dealing with it the best we can. We have made mistakes - with catastrophic consequences; DSD is estranged, I'm estranged from my parents and DPs relationship with his family is strained, as well. We may never be able to correct those mistakes - but we keep trying our best!

Well my DH and i have been together for over 8 years (married for 5.5) and so i've known dss since he was 2.
I'd like to reiterate what's been said on 'united front' and rules in the household.
At first there was a lot of compensating or 'disney' dad (new phrase to me - i like it!) going on, particularly within DH's wider family. I however came from a different perspective and was quite clear that this wasn't healthy and wasn't going to help dss grow up to be a well rounded emotionally stable adult. (If you always treat someone like a victim they will always think they are one!) So we developed our own parenting rules and boundaries as to how we expect dss to behave in our home. By 'our' i'm including him by the way, it's his home too!
These are things like; amount of junk food, bed times, time on xbox, eating nicely, politeness, effort in homework etc. etc.
Because we did this so young he has no problem with this, he's not confused by there beign different rules at his dad's to his mum's.
Also, as others have said, because we discuss all these rules between DH and myself we keep the united front and i don't have to be the bad guy. This was a big concern for me at the start as i had my own parenting ideas and i didn't ever want dss to think that if i wasn't there dh and him would have more fun.
All of this was actually easier when our ds arrived. There aren't different rules for dss and ds (other than in relation to their ages)

The other thing that works well for us is making sure there's time doing something dss likes with me, dh and him, after ds has gone to bed. He stays 2 nights a week and i wouldn't say we drop everything to entertain him, i'm a big believer that children won't develop their own interests if they aren't left to be bored now and again, but we do make sure it's not all boring for him.
So we'll play monopoly with him, or watch a film the 3 of us will like or play on the xbox with him, and we discuss this between the 3 of us.

So there are two strands for us; the respecting our rules/authority but also knowing he can have fun with me and dh too.

Sorry about the length of post, but i'd also like to add...

I've always been clear on our house beign dss's home too. I think he views his mum's house as his 'real' home ans he is there 5 nights to 2 at ours each week. That's the way he feels (i think, he hasn't said explicitly) and i respect that, but we have been keen to make him always feel like ours is his home. He has his own room, with his own things in, posters on the wall etc., he gets choice in this and in what activities we do/meals we have etc. He is included in family decisions as much as ds is, more actually due to their ages.

Great idea for a thread!

DP has 3 children, I have none. We are only a few years in and it still feels like early days, but here's what's worked so far for us:

• Agree (and prove) roles and assess where he is on the 'Disney Dad' scale before moving in with each other. My DP had potential for Disney Dad-ness when we first met, but his parenting views were absolutely not Disney Dad. Over the 18 months before we moved in together, he proved that he (and the children) just needed time to adjust.
• Agree the house rules and enforce them with a united front
• Communicate. Especially when things have gone pear-shaped. We talk about it afterwards, share our thoughts, fears, suggestions and agree what we will do about it. We are very open and don't place blame but look to see how to improve things.
• I don't parent, but I do enforce house rules and respect. My view is that it is my DP's responsibility (and the ex's, if she can ever bring herself to talk to DP) to decide what is important in their children's up-bringing. That said, if there is something that I'm uncomfortable with, I will raise it with DP (in a non-judgmental way) when the children aren't around. Examples might be giving them more responsibility around the house etc
• Getting married and having a baby. Obviously I don't advocate this as solution however in our case, once the initial shock and histrionics had passed, life has been so much better. The children are very excited at the prospect of a little brother/sister and it has given them some stability (ie mum and dad will not be getting back together, that I'm not going to disappear) and they now want to talk to me rather than ignore me. It will, of course, bring a whole new set of challenges...
• Make sure you have your own interests/time to yourself on access weekends/days. We're not a holiday home/childrens entertainer; life continues as normal and that includes the children getting bored sometimes. Having a break from the children also saves your (and their) sanity.
• Abuse MN. Don't expect family or friends to understand your step-parenting challenges. There is plenty of good advice and comfort available on MN, and points of view that you won't get from family & friends (might not always be what you want to hear, but it will give you another perspective).
• Laugh (when things go wrong). Crying can be cathartic too. And when all else fails, there is wine.

Things that work here:

In regard to DSD: NOTHING.

In regard to my DD:
1, My ex and I always check when DD tells a tale about something that happens in the other house. We call the other one and she stands there and listens. It is usually the case that the phone call doesn't even happen as she'll confess that she made it up or exagerated the tale before then. It's a really good way of letting her know that playing us off against each other wont work

2, Emailing everything - audit trails are amazing!

3, Not letting DD know about anything to do with our financial arrangement or any discussions about anything that we disagree on or about contact time.

4, Sticking to the rota (but being flexible for be important things (for example I'm taking her for a couple of hours this Sunday for Mother's day lunch even though she's at her Dads.

I think that's it for the good stuff... there's loads that doesnt work!!

Well we are a work in progress, and I think it will always be like that. Sometimes I struggle to see the positives but when I look back to what it was like at the beginning we have come a long way together as a family.
At first DP was off the scale in Disney Dad-ness when we met. The most positive thing is that he knows he was like this and wanted to change things. If he hadn't then I don't think we would have had a future.
The other brilliant thing is that all 4 of our kids get on great with each other. His kids have never fallen out with mine and they act like proper brothers and sister and my oldest ds (12) is very protective of his 'little step-sister'.
DSS (10) idolises my sons, he looks up to DS1 and has a similar sense of humour to DS2 and they both giggle like schoolgirls together at the silliest things. That to me is the most important thing - I couldnt bear it if there was resentment among them.
We have our issues, but we work through them together and DP and I try to stay united and communicate well.

Ooh yes, and also never changing my house rules because Daddy's are different and visa versa. She knows that we each have different rules and no one is more right or more wrong, we are just different.

And regarding my ex and my sons. We communicate EVERYTHING and he backs me up 100%. I can use the threat "I'll phone Daddy!" and it usually works.
We never slag each other off to the dc and often phone each other for a chat about them.
Just because our relationship didn't work, we are still parents and we both love the boys so we can put our own differences aside for them.
He likes DP and I usually get on with whichever GF he has in tow (and there have been a LOT!!)
I wish DP and his ex wife were more like us.

I am taking notes here! Thank you

Spending time on my own with DSD has really helped me bond with her. Not every day on our own has been a good day, but every day alone with her has helped me learn a little bit more about her. Even a small thing like seeing that she still grazes snack by snack, rather than wolfing down a meal, got me to lighten up at dinnertime (but picking at tea and then asking me for cake is still a no-go, no matter how charming or pitiful she tries to be). In a way, those days help me make up for lost time - I didn't arrive on the scene until she was four.

Definitely second taking time to yourself and communicating openly with your other half. That has helped me stay sane and appreciate the family I have now. Also the united front with DH. And taking what she says about the other house with a grain of salt - she has exaggerated a few stories before.

Also, being flexible with the rota in a way that satisfies both DH and his ex (and the kid), and tuning out any other negative feedback about it, including flak from DH's family. It's not their custody arrangement, only DH and exW's.