Dealing with the fallout from Mum's refusal to talk

[chelen]

I know I should be able to cope with these things better, but it's all gone wrong again here. We were bobbing along OK just recently then yet again DSS has questions he wanted to ask his Mum, and he knows she just won't answer. We can't answer. He is just getting his head round the fact that she may never answer.

I just feel so cross really that Mum's approach is to change the subject to talk about happy things instead of talking to him honestly. Does she 'owe' him any explanation of why she left? I guess I think she does, she doesn't necessarily owe him an apology but I think she does owe him an explanation. But I think it unlikely he'll ever get one .

P.s. for those who read my posts often and think 'he needs a counsellor' - we're on it, checking a recommendation we've had.

Sorry chelen remind me what age your DS is?

Hi, DSS is 8.

I guess that's very difficult because he won't be emotionally mature enough to understand it. I think trying to keep it very simple is what she should do, rather than ignore the issue. Sounds like he's very confused. It does sound like you need to external support to help him. Hope you get the counselling you're looking for.

When did his mother leave him?

chelen I'd been meaning to come back to this, sorry - I can relate to a lot of your DSS behaviour because my DSS is very conflicted too - for different reasons, but the end result for an 8 yr old must be very similar

Counselling will undoubtedly help him make sense of his emotions - but I don't think that a child (or adult) of any age is entitled to an explanation of their parents behaviour.

That said, as he gets older, it may help him to come to terms with what feels like rejection, but it is something he will ask for from her if he needs it. At the moment, an explanation need be nothing more than a reassurance that his mum 'loves him very much' even though he can't live with her/see her/speak to her (whatever the situation is at the time).

Although it is incomprehensible to us, DCs can accept far more, as they don't have preconceptions. It is interpreting their emotions, and dealing with adults reactions, that they struggle with

Hi all thanks for responding.

It's a bloody minefield round here at the moment. Mother's Day doesn't help does it?

Anyway, having got nowhere with his questions to mum, DSS has a list of questions for his dad to answer so he is most definitely not going to let things drop just now!