Is anyone else invisible?

[NotaDisneyMum]

It seems that DSC's mum has finally, after three and a half years, come to terms with the end of her marriage to DP, and has reluctantly accepted that DP will be part of the DCs life despite her efforts to exclude him.

To his credit, DP is being brilliant and embraced this new situation - he has drawn a line under the abuse, alienation and hostility that he has been subjected to (as well as the betrayal of her infidelity) and is able to work together with her for the DCs.

I'm finding it more difficult. I was also the target of her abuse and alienation - the legacy of which means that DSD has no contact with her Dad.
I am pleased that the situation has improved - but am struggling with things like DP spending time in her home when picking up DSS - but that is my problem to get over.

What is more difficult is the fact that I am now invisible to DSC's mum - she behaves as if I don't exist! I appreciate this is better than the abuse, and maybe it is her way of dealing with my existence in her DC's life - but DSS is only 8; am I going to be invisible for 10 years or more?!?

My DP's ex is a bit like that with me. Will say hello then look away and avoid any further eye contact. (Her DP on the other hand seems a lovely bloke and is always chatty to me or DP when he drops the kids off, etc)

But if your DP's ex is being more plesant to him that really is a good thing. If it's taken her 3.5 years to get to that stage, can't expect overnight miracles can you?

DD and I are both invisible to the my FIL, his wife and one BIL. (My other BIL and my SIL are great.)
I know it's not exactly the same thing.

Maybe your DP's ex is just evolving...very, very slowly. By DSS's teenage years, she may see things a bit differently...?

God, this sounds horrendous... I mean... not exactly horrendous as it's obviously a good thing for all concerned really but I must be incredibly hard when you and DH have been stood on the outside together and now he's kind of jumped over the fence in to the favoured crowd and left you on the outside on your own. (he actually hasn't but I reckon that's how you must feel!)

I think open communication with him is key really, don't assume he will be sensitive to our feelings without being told. I could do with taking that advice myself

I guess it's all stages isn't it, each stage seems to last for a couple of years. so no, I don't think you've got 10 years to go.

Chin up.

My DH's ex is like this. Her moods change with the wind but as far as I'm aware, she hasn't uttered my name or even alluded to my existence since we met over a year ago. It's bizarre, and frankly a bit insulting - I wonder if she's trying to make the point that my presence in her children's lives is so insignificant that she can't be bothered to comment on it - but it's better than being the obvious target of hostility, I suppose. It's all so silly because she initiated the end of their marriage; there's no real reason why we can't all be civil and friendly, but she's so awkward that I doubt it'll ever be much different than how it is now.

I think though that if she were to suddenly become friendly with my DH, and continue to blank me, I'd find that very hard to swallow - DH and I are a package deal, and I'd expect my DH to make that clear.

Yes, I am. 7 years and counting . My DH and our DD are welcome in his exes home and at all her family events but I am treated as if I don't exist. I met her once, 5 years ago, for 10 minutes and I'm not allowed to go to any of my DSS's school or sports events.
I hope that in your case OP, it is a short term thing that resolves itself.

I am also in this situation

After 3 years with DH, I am either referred to as "her", "fat arse" or "bitch". And every single rule is different is applied to her or to us. Same as many of you, there's no real reason not to be civil. I always support, encourage and help DSS to do nice things for his mum (cards, pictures, presents etc) but she won't even look at me, say hello or acknowledge me. She refers to our marriage as nothing but "a bit of paper" and doesn't see DD as a real sibling (unlike her DD, also a half-sibling if you wanted to split hairs)!

I agree whole heatedly that it's so hard when the ex decides to change her mood frequently. His goes from refusing to see / speak to DH, to demanding he has coffee with her. Shame really as children are not stupid and they pick up on it

Hi there,

I can completely see why you would feel so pushed out. I would be devasted if DP started playing "happy families" with the woman who has caused him, me and by default our DC so much upset.

I really think your DP needs to be consistent and not pander to her every whim. If he agrees to come into her home to pick up the kids, he can limit the niceties to 5 mins or so and if the kids aren't ready, he could then wait in the car, for example. You might not be sure where his ex's boundaries lay with regards to her moods and what she might expect from your DP from one day to the next, but if you feel that you know where you stand with him, then you might feel better about the whole situation. Personally, I think if she is being so cold to the woman he is sharing his life with, then he should be polite but distant towards her out of respect for you.