There will always be outside influences on our family

[NotaDisneyMum]

A bit of a vent really - it's just a little thing, but really does illustrate how step-family life can never function in isolation from other households

DP has been away for a few days, and the usual contact arrangements with DSS have been changed. (there's another thread about that, and it's not the issue now).

It has been arranged that we would pick DSS up from his mums on the way home from picking DP up from the station later this evening. We have planned a family treat to get take-out for all of us on the way home - fairly normal family stuff but a really big treat for us as a family because we do it only once or twice a year.

DP had told DSS mum this when he arranged the pick-up, and she agreed that DSS could eat dinner with us after we'd picked him up; she would give him a snack after school to keep the hunger-pains at bay.

DP is on his way home by train, and has just texted me to ask if I still want take-out because DSS has had dinner at his mums . My DD has been looking forward to it too - and now we've either got change our plans, or risk DSS being left out while the rest of us choose and eat take-out. We'll let him share something, obviously, but it's not the same, really (and as he is currently keeping a food diary for medical reasons, it makes things even more complicated!)

Our plans for an enjoyable, relaxing evening have turned into something quite different because DSS mum decided to do something that in her eyes was very simple and probably of very little significance. All she did was give DSS dinner, after agreeing not to, but it has a huge impact on our household!

what a PITA like you say, over something that should have been nice and straightforward..

fwiw, DH and I decided a few years ago that we were just going to stop his ex from deliberately scuppering our arrangements. If something special is arranged on an access weekend, DH just doesn't say anything about it in advance so she doesn't have a chance. She simply won't deviate from the court order written 10 years ago, so anything family related outside the hours of 6.30 Friday to 6.30 Sunday is no-can-do. If DH does ask, she will sometimes say maybe. After having many changes of minds and scuppering of family plans, we now just mentally cater for the likely fact that she will cause a problem, but just go ahead with our plans anyway. Yes unfortunately this means that DSSs often lose out, but the court and ex have firmly taken any power out of our hands, so all we can do is make sure that the impact on our family is minimised.

It's so odd that some mothers prefer to be nasty rather than see their own children enjoying something with the other parent.

Oh no, I feel your pain, DSDs Mum does this sort of thing all the time and it is infuriating. So unnecessary. Sorry she has tried to spoil your nice family evening.

My DSCs mum does this all the time.

We don't ever tell them our plans till the day as she will do her best to scupper anything we arrange. She has even taken them to legoland the day before we were due to go there for my sons birthday treat so all we heard all day was what a great day they had yesterday and "mummy let us do ...". I was fuming!!

We've got the same problem. A few years back DSS's bioM even spoiled his surprise birthday party by telling him about it in advance. What kind of obviously shitty selfish parent is okay with continually hurting their own child by doing things like this???

But if hes on a food diary thingy then home food is probably better for whatever hes sensitive to. She his Mum fgs, why cant she do what she thinks is in his best interest. I doubt she force fed him. Poor kid being in a battle about absolutely nothing. Theres no way this ruined your evening. You ruined the evening by making a stupid fuss over nothing.

If he was getting hungry and it came to their normal family meal time, then this is not entirely a surprise. Sorry, but I think it might have been a bit unrealistic to expect a child to wait until later or to expect a mother not to feed her child if she saw he was actually hungry.

Hope you still have a good evening.

I've had the opposite issue, dp ex "not allowing" dp to pick up dsd at a sensible time, the next available time we had was much later in the evening (we have my ds and 3 other dsd who all have clubs at different times), dsd was starved. I had saved her a dinner but her mum was refusing to feed her as it wasn't her night! Dsd literally sat at her mums for three hours unnecessarily through her mums choice to try and control our moves and thus trying to stop her other children attending clubs. And yet she regularly tells us she only has the Childrens best interests at heart. Lol.

In OP case, I think I would have got take away as planned and would be upset that dp had suggested that everyone else miss out because one person couldn't participate.

Mum had agreed to give him a snack, not an evening meal.

NADM and her family only have takeout a couple of times a year, maybe they can't afford it more than that - that makes it a special occasion, not a 'fuss about nothing'. Some people don't have the cash to do it whenever they want.

Mum went back on what she said, and gave son a meal, after agreeing to give him a snack so he could enjoy a 'family treat' later.

Result, NADM pissed off. NADM DD upset. NADM DH pissed off. NADM DSS upset to miss a treat, or upset to be left out of treat (NADM can't win).

All because mum won't stick to her word because "FGS she's his mum" well FGS he's his dad - why doesn't what he wants count?

I think that it will always happen, so you just ignore and go on with your plans.

Agree with exotic - despite whatever your DSC's unhelpful bioParent does or does not do it is best to just carry on with your own family plans and include DSC as much as possible. It's truly unfortunate that some bioParents just don't 'get it' that they cause heartache and disappointment for their DC when they use them in an attempts to manipulate/affect the other parent(s), but there's not really much anyone else can do when it comes to changing that sort of cruel, selfish behaviour. It's terribly sad, as it's the DC who end up being hurt the most.

Pardon the typos - halfway through my post DSS ran in and jumped on the bed for morning cuddles. (that's the best part of being a good stepMum - he loves me as much as his bioParents!)

On reflection, I think we made a mistake in expecting DSS mum to facilitate something taking place in our home - why should she?
She'd already been put out because the usual contact arrangements were changed because DSS didn't want to be here while DP was away - so asking her for anything more was unreasonable, perhaps?

Anyway - we had a reasonable evening, and it's lovely to have DP home Not sure what we'll do next time DP needs to go away, though - he's job-hunting, so can't necessarily avoid being away on contact weekends, unfortunately, and DSS mum says that DSS was adamant that he didn't want to be here without DP

It works both ways.
my Exs new partner asked me what I was planning for Easter holidays so we did not double up - it seemed reasonable to me and I am a mere baby in the whole having to deal with a step mother game.

I stupidly told her Natural History Museum and then buy bunk beds as they needed them and wanted them - they had chosen the one they wanted.

Well the malignant bitch then proceeded to take my DCs to the Natural History museum the next day (their weekend) and go out and buy the exact bunkbeds for both of them - they have separate rooms at their place. They now do not want to go to the museum again and they want different bunk beds to the ones they have at daddies.

As I live in a 2 bed house the bunk beds were becomng a necessity not a luxury.

I feel for you - it sucks.

I blameba - that is outrageous.

One thought Iblameba - this sort of thing can be deliberate and can also be non-deliberate. My own DSS can put huge pressure on me to do the things his Mum does and equally puts pressure on his Mum to do the things I do. This is at times very annoying, I am more of a heartless strongwilled person than Mum so we just stick to our plans but I know Mum often ends up agreeing to do the self same thing I did the weekend before!

Of course some people are deliberately annoying and try to steal thunder, and if that keeps happening you have my deepest sympathy.

But, the bunk beds thing could (and I only say could) be because the kids see bunk beds as being the best (because Mum is buying them so they must be) and therefore want them at Dad's too.

Oh, and also - stick to your plans anyway. They can't have different bunk beds because they have same at dad's - they get the right bunk beds for your house. If they have them at Dad's, so what?

The NHM - simply say 'this is what was planned, we can either go there or stay in'. Don't start jumping based on what the other house is doing is my advice.

But just to be sure, keep your plans vague in future (even perhaps from the kids if it turns out this is deliberate!)

We've been on the receiving end of some deliberate, malicious acts too - but in this case, I don't think it was anything other than a lack of understanding of the significance the plans had to our household - takeout is a far more common occurrence in DSS mums house than here, and they rarely eat together as a family like we try and do. Different values in different households, I just struggle when one effects the other

I sometimes struggle with different things in different households too. So do the DSs and the DSSs (2 of each). Ours are learning that different households have different rules, but all are valid.

I think it helps so much if the parents and step parents communicate, and it's so sad to read about how often they don't, preferring to use the situation as a way to manipulate/point score/get revenge. I was chatting to my DP's ex last night (we are friends), and we had a discussion about an argument I'd had with DSS1 yesterday - if she and I didn't communicate, that argument could become something completely different, with our actions being able to be misconstrued and misinterpreted. It would be easy for 3 things to happen - 1) she would think I was a complete b*tch for telling her son off 2) I would think she was undermining me and acting against me and 3) DSS would be able to manipulate the situation, with 1) and 2) being the end result. As it is though, he knows that we communicate, and get on, and that we will support eachother, as will DP.

I really wish everyone could see this (my exH doesn't.....!!!!!!)

UC - that's where the problem lies for steps in many cases though; we have little, if any, influence over whether we have a cordial relationship with our DSC's bio-parent.
We are often resented purely through our association with the exP; regardless of how positive an influence we may be on the DCs

It's very disheartening to not have the luxury of having a communicative relationship with DSS's bioM. Seems like you're managing the relationship between of the dual households really well, UC - I wish my situation was more like yours.

Glad you ended up having a lovely evening, NADM!

As much as I would like to wish it was a coincidence - as they had bought the DCS new bedroom furniture 6 weeks ago - this was deliberate. They have the money to burn - as EXH not paying for his own DCS but supporting hers instead.

The Museum involved taking DC out of school for the day - so again as deliberate as you like.

I was hoping for an amicable relationship for my DCS but she has one more chance and all info will now be deliberately vague!

Pissed off and having a gin!

I missed this on friday - whether malicious or not it's always annoying to be reminded that you have little control over so much isn't it.

I regularly plan meals that fit in with DSD's tastes only to find she's eaten somewhere else. Miraculously we managed two family dinner times this weekend!

In answer to your question "why should she facilitate it?" She should do so because it was an opportunity for her son to have an enjoyable time with his family. It wouldnt be hard to give him some toast and tell him that it was because he was going to have a lovely yummy meal with Daddy later on, how exciting etc etc. That is what I would have done... and have done!

I think yes, the best thing is just to make plans, make them available to your step children, and if they want to join in then great.

I hope you enjoyed your food anyway NADM!

iblameba that is outrageous!!!!!!!

NADM I too learnt along time ago when i 1st left my ex that i wouldnt tell my son what plans i had for us til that morning.

As i quickly learned if the ex had DS the night before and he knew we were doing something the next day... he would have him up late to make him tired. Or like others have said he would do the treat before i could.!!! the pillock!!

But also the meal thing......... This happens to me regularly but not with my OH ex...... with OH mum!! She will have DSD after school and knowing full well i cook everyday... and will be making her favourite meal at tea time (as bio mum cant cook/boil a bloody egg!!) MIL will feed DSD a sandwich jelly packet of crisps sweets etc etc etc and then an hour later were sat round the table and she has a paddy/ screaming match with her dad cos hes telling her to eat her tea and she wont!!!!!

It happens every wk. Does my head in! ... and that the MIL not DSD mum lol

Happy days

Hope you don't mind me joining in (just discovered this board last week!)

I totally sympathise with the feeling of control being taken away. Our set-up has been through easier and harder times over the past 8+ years but one thing is a constant pain and that's the inconsiderateness.
My DSS mum isn't (anymore) being spiteful with it like some of the awful examples others have given, she's just thoughtless. She doesn't run her life by any kind of routine, makes decisions ad hoc and expects everyone to fit around it. DSS doesn't know when he's coming or going.
Yesterday was a perfect example for us; She'd taken DSS and DS swimming Sat morning which is usually our time but a lovely gesture (she's great at supporting the boys having a strong sibling relationship) and kept DSS with her sat night. As Fri and Sat are our nights she said she'd bring DSS back to us on Sunday, although mostly because she was going out Sunday night. So Sunday morning comes, lovely weather, made tentative plans to take the boys to a lovely big park, have roast dinner, do some chores etc. so DH texts first thing to ask what time. We hear nothing. All day. We only know that she's taken him out in the day because of facebook. Finally get a message it'll be 6pm but in the meantime DH has been on to xbox live and chatted to DSS who has been sat in the house playing on his xbox for hours whilst his mum got on with her own thing. We could have easily got him at 2pm and had some time together, but that isn't considered.
I know it's not malicious it's just that it makes it so difficult to plan life. Sunday am - do we go out or don't we? We could go and then get a text that he'll be dropped off in 10 minutes.

We decided some time ago that we have to be firmer. If a plan is really important to us then we say what time its happening and either we can have DSS before to come too or after. That way we still get to do things. If there's a good reason for the delay in making a decision or for the time not being convenient then we obviously negotiate. It's not that we're inflexible, flexibility works to our advantage too, just want communication in order to make our plans. If she doesn't let us know, we get on with our life as normal, and if we get that 10 minutes text we reply that we're out and will be back at x time.
It hurts sometimes that it means DSS misses out on things but i constantly have to remind myself that he has plenty of fun times with his mum, so it's not unfair that DS has some fun without DSS. The whole business is fraught with guilt for me, but we do our best.

I've rambled, sorry! I just wanted to say that i feel for you. Sometimes the small things seem huge, not because they are big but because they're the last straw and make you feel so out of control of your own family life.