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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step mum for 3 years and it's still HARD!

18 replies

5babyangels · 07/03/2012 23:46

I do find it hard, having brought my children up so differently! Sometimes i just cant be bothered! I would have thought 3 years in it would have improved more than this. I feel warn out by just thinking about it. Is that wrong?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RhiRhi123 · 08/03/2012 10:00

No it's not wrong at all. I've been doing it 3 years and IMO it's got worse. My DSS saw me as more of a novelty for the first 6 months probably because he got away with much more as I wanted him to like me but now he's got older and we try to give him rules etc he has no respect for me what so ever. If i tell him to do something he won't do it. If i ask hiim to take his plate out after dinner he'll ignore me. I'm just sick of my DH for his disney parenting and the lack of respect I get in my own home.

I try to make my own plans and let them get on with it and I get accused of not making an effort and avoiding DSS but when I am at home I feel like a spare prick coz he and my DH do what they want to do. I've given up on suggesting we all do something together because when the attention isn't all on DSS he kicks up a fuss and ruins the day. Me and Dh have a DD who is 10 mo and I find it harder since having her because when DSS does certain things like you say I cringe and think I would never let my DD behave like that. My DH just wants a quiet life and tries to avoid confrontation with SS to save arguments and tantrums but it's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home

O well there's always

BOMsback · 08/03/2012 11:46

God it can be hell can't it. I'm 4 years in and it just gets harder. You care more (because you know them better and you're closer) but are forced to care less (because you realise youre damned if you do and damned if you don't any way and the heart ache is too much)

I'm in a negative mood today so I apologise but right now I'm thinking that DH and i spent so long talking about his DD, his ex, the situation etc etc that we have forgotten how to talk about anything else

This is not true, I'm just on a downer about the whole step thing.

But I'm holding your hand anyway 5babyangels

Smum99 · 08/03/2012 20:27

Yes, time can often make it worse as you get worn down by the issues. The ideal would be that issues are fixed as you go along but the step parent doesn't have the active role in resolution and relies on the parent, which in the case of a disney dad won't happen.
To be fair it has changed over the years, at times it is more stressful than others, often ex related.

All you can do is detach and prioritise building your own internal energy reserves and maybe have a mental countdown for when they are are adults:) mine is 4.5 years left.

NotaDisneyMum · 08/03/2012 20:48

It's the rollercoaster from one 'drama' to another that i find so wearing.

Statistically speaking, it is unlikely that a conventional family will experience more than one or two life events each year (redundancy, house move, new baby, illness etc) With more households involved, the chance of there being of stressful incidents involving one or more DCs increases. There are four households involved with our two DCs - it is inevitable that when one is calm, another is in crisis!

The problem is, although the DCs are affected, there us nothing we can do in response to dramas taking place outside our own home - we just have to ride the wave until it passes and wait for the next one!

NatashaBee · 08/03/2012 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbigwobblybottom · 08/03/2012 21:05

Natashabee, I feel like that often too. It's all about when DSD is coming, when she's not.. the less time she spends with us the harder it is actually as she isn't a part of the ebb and flow of the household.

You never know what you're getting in to

Original poster

5babyangels · 08/03/2012 21:53

Hooray!!!! I'm not on my own! You lovely people! Well situation is I had 4 Dcs he had 5cs although a few were previous step! Slightly confussing! And now we have one together! So baby makes 10!! all 9 I can manage but my dps ds is a total nightmare. He has lived with us for past 2 years so you'd think he would have learnt to respect me, but no! He's 12, so it could be worse! His behaviour is appalling! It has affected my 3 sons and my youngest is beginning to behave like him. After 3 years there has never been any affection? or how r u today? I've drummed politeness into him as he came to me with no manners! But ITs so hard. Easier now though we have our own child as it joins them altogether but not an easy life! Wine is definitely needed on a bad day!

OP posts:

theredhen · 08/03/2012 22:13

5babyangels, Oh my goodness you have my utmost respect. I have 4 DSC and 1 of my own and I thought I had bitten off a lot when I got involved with my DP. How you cope I have no idea. Have a .

Original poster

5babyangels · 08/03/2012 22:24

Yes wine is inevitable! Actually it put me off my dp to begin with as I knew it made 9! But fell head over heels for him and would never have taken all the crap if I didn't! his ds is truly terrible! His girls are fine, a but carry sometimes in the "oh my mum does it like this" and "isn't your baby in a routine yet?" (he was a week old) but on the whole they r pretty easy. Sds was desperate to live with his dad and ex mum was desperate to be rid if him! He is bordering autistic spectrum! A total nightmare! However mostly I manage to put it in it's place and not dictate and overwhelm my life! I could tell u things to make your hair curl! I thought I would just love dps kids in the end. Well I don't. I really care they r all ok and I know they r all part of the package, but int half hard sometimes!

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dancingfreckles · 08/03/2012 22:34

me too! love my 2 DSC too bits but it can wear me out, you really don't no what you are getting yourself into!

I tend to find myself being the 1 that keeps the calm when sometimes you want to say aaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh Im here as well!

5babyangels you are a saint ha!!!!

Its a hard but sometimes rewarding job, lets all have a

brdgrl · 08/03/2012 22:41

oh, my god. 10!!! Massive kudos to you for keeping it together, I find it hard with just two DSCs (and one baby DD)...Going on four years here, although only 1.5 living together as a family with the SCs.

For what it is worth, I think 12-14 is the worst....it does seem to get a bit better...or maybe I shouldn't say that, I will jinx things.

bucketbetty · 08/03/2012 22:45

I think you've all chosen really good men. Men who love their children. I know it must be hard sometimes but please don't make things too difficult. It will create some pretty damaged children. My sons father no longer has a relationship with his son since he has married. I suspect the new wife plays a part in that choice. Just a point of view from a sad mummy who's little boy is heartbroken his dad doesn't seem to love him very much anymore. Not a critisism of anyone on here just a reminder that there are little people at the end of your frustration and resentment.

brdgrl · 08/03/2012 22:49

I'm not sure any one here needs that reminder. I'm sorry your ex is being a crap dad, but that's not really what anyone is talking about on this thread...

Original poster

5babyangels · 08/03/2012 22:51

Too true! I am all to aware of that as my own ex is not as good a dad as my current dp! In fact my own daughter has told my dp he's such a good dad. And if he wasn't such a good dad I wouldn't want to be with him! The door us always open to them all! It's just testing when they all flood in at once, with their mates, their girlfriends and their washing!

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dancingfreckles · 08/03/2012 22:54

oh I would not love or be with my DP if his DC's were not involved. Love them to bits but it can be hard sometimes being the person as I said trying to keep it calm, amoungst the adults ha!!!

bucketbetty hugs to you xxx

bucketbetty · 08/03/2012 22:56

brdgrl, I haven't read any other threads on here just caught sight of this one because I was scrolling active. I don't know who does and doesn't need reminding. No offence intended, just a single point of view.

brdgrl · 08/03/2012 23:56

bucketbetty, sorry if I seemed defensive. I just think that the posts on this thread have been all saying the same thing - that being a stepmum is really hard, and that sometimes even though we try our best, it gets us down. Nobody wants to make things difficult for the kids. :)

Original poster

5babyangels · 09/03/2012 08:14

Yes I agree, problem with threads can be they are a long winded rant ! I don't think there is enough support for step parents, especially with schools. When my dss came to live with us permanently leaving his sisters behind he came with nothing, just the clothes he stood up in! He was in complete turmoil and a total nightmare. I think he might have thought if he came to live with us it would be parties and sweets and basically being spoilt! Which is what dp had done a bit if in the year or 2 he was on his own and only saw them every other weekend. His behaviour can be very volatile. I tried to get him help when he first came and counselling which we had to pay for etc etc but it's a never ending story really! His real mum had also spoilt him since the split finding it easier to buy him stuff all the time than maintain consistency. He is always in trouble at school last year I got calls daily to come and have meetings and sort him out because he wouldn't go into class etc, rude to teachers, walked away, oh one day he filled a tic tax box of sugar and said it was cocaine! It is a huge amount to take on and I did it for all the right reasons, but we all suffer because of him. We've tried just about everything! I didn't make him like this but I'm the one left dealing with it! If only one day he'd turn around and have a normal conversation or a hug or how r u, it would make it easier to deal with. Just so hard when u give so much and nothing comes back

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