Advice re contact centre for DSD to see her BM please.

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Can anyone give us advice on how we can try to make arrangements for DSD to only see her mother at a contact centre?
Background is DSD has been living full time with me and DH for a number of years. DH has residency through courts when they got divorced with mutually agreed access for BM, no schedule etc written down.
Over the years BM?s drink problems have got worse and worse. She has been in and out of DSD?s life. Sometimes things been ok and she has had weekend access inc sleep overs, sometimes just visits for tea, sometimes just the odd hour here and there. This has gone round and round in circles as we have tried everything to maintain a relationship between them. BUT it has got so bad now that we do not believe it is safe for DSD to be with her Mum unsupervised. Despite promises BM is drinking when she is there, has been shop lifting with DSD with her and there have been incidents when police have been involved with domestic disputes at her home whilst DSD has been there. DSD says she doesn?t want to go as she is frightened but BM is hassling us for when she can see her.
We want to deal with things the right way. We would love to tell her she is not seeing her fullstop but know that probably isn?t feasible as she is her BM so has rights. Can anyone tell us what steps we can take to sort this out. DSD is 13 with sn. Thanks.

Your husband needs to write to her to say that contact is suspended as he has concerns for his dd's welfare.

He should invite her to mediation sessions in the first instance, and provide details of a local mediation service.

It's then up to the mother to decide whether to accept the invitation to mediation or not. If so, they may agree then to self refer to the local contact centre but it is extremely unusual for such an old child to have contact at a CC, and resources are limited.

Otherwise, the mother may make an application for a defined contact order. Whilst the court process is ongoing, the judge may make an order for interim contact and that may be ordered to take place at a contact centre but again the court will be reluctant to order supervised contact at a cc for a teenager (it's usually for much younger children who are in danger of being snatched or harmed).

It is more likely in my view that the court will, after a wishes and feelings report, if your stepdaughter says she doesn't want to see her mum, take the view that she is old enough to make her own mind up as to whether she sees her mum or not.

Thank you for the reply. I think part of the problem is that as DSD has ADHD and ASD her age is 13 in years but more maybe 8-9 in maturity, ability etc. I will let my DH know.

Are there any family member or friend whose home could be used for contact? - eg grandparents. A contact centre is very minimal contact - so you might be able to set something informal up that would work just as well - either via a friend or family member, or possibly just in a public place - eg meet DSD for an hour or so in a cafe - you could even wait nearby to make sure that it's all alright when you drop her off. Does DSD have a phone? Would it reassure her to go to her mum's if she did, and knew she could call one of you if her mum is drunk, etc?

Purpleroses ? Thanks for the suggestions. TBH we have tried so much to support BM to see her, to the point I feel I am maybe doing more harm than good and it would be better to maybe not do so in DSD best interests. There is no family on BM side who could support on a regular basis for contact, BM has used and abused so many people that to find anyone who would offer to do so would pretty much be miraculous. DH family def wouldn?t!! I have done so myself before but it?s just an hour or two of tales of Woe of how bad BM life is and me and DSD just listening, then me having to console DSD back at home cos of all the guilt she then feels for her Mum being so sad and lonely.

We have tried checking BM is sober when we drop DSD off but then she starts to drink once we leave. DSD has a mobile phone with her and has contacted me several times from her Mums to say Mum is drunk and asleep, and we have gone and collected DSD, surely that can?t be right to allow keep happening though. Plus when BM is drinking and aggressive and shouting at DSD she has told her off for contacting us, it seems pointless to me to have 2 hours contact and then BM is asleep in bed drunk after the first half hour or so, whilst DSD sits and watches TV on her own and waits for us to go back and collect her.

I can?t imagine BM would be happy to see her in a cafe etc as she would no doubt think she shouldn?t have to and thinks she should have her at her own home and it?s us being awkward.

It seems such a shame to have got to this point and I would do anything to support contact if I could see a way to do it, but I am also very tired of trying to support BM when she doesn?t sort herself out. DSD has sn but to be really honest has been much easier to deal with and support in the last couple of weeks since she hasn?t seen BM and she seems a much happier child.
She keeps coming to me for cuddles and hugs and is much calmer than normal.

If BM wouldn't go for a cafe, can't imagine she'd be very enthused about a contact centre either.

Sounds like your DSD's having a really tough time with her mother right now. Maybe she does need a bit of time without contact - if current contact just involves her mother telling her how miserable she is then that's not really a useful contribution towards parenting DSD is it?

You could always keep BM informed of DSD's life by email, if you did reduce contact for a bit maybe? And make it clear that if she gets her life together again, you'd encourage/facilitate DSD to resume seeing her?