Why children shouldn't be given the choice!

[NotaDisneyMum]

I know a lot of step-parents deal with the issue of one, or both, of their DSC's parents allowing the DC's to choose whether or not to have a relationship with the other parent - and as some of you know, this situation with my own DSD was reinforced by the family court process .

Last year, I was fortunate enough to meet Karen Woodall from The Centre for Separated Families, and we discussed this, and how she believes that giving children the choice whether to have contact with a parent is incredibly damaging.

Karen has recently written an article about it, which has been published on her blog, here:

Karen Woodall article

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this thread! Our situation sounds very much like yours NotaDisneyMum DSD1 (14 yo) has chosen not to have a relationship with my DH, who has always been there for her and always tried to do the right thing by her. Sadly the same cannot be said of her mum who will put her foot down when she doesn't want/ wants DSD1 to do something, but is quite happy to let her choose in situations involving my DH. We are currently in an intolerable situation with no options left to us other than to wait and hope that she will change her mind at some point in the future. But at least I no longer feel like we are the only ones having these problems and that we can at least take the moral highground and know that we have always done our best for her.

Can I put my BM head on and ask a question about my own situation?

My DS is 14 and is supposed to see his Dad every other weekend. It has been like this for 10 years. I used to encourage him to see him in the holidays too but I gave up after he kept failing to turn up and I had no other childcare available while I worked.

Anyway, DS regularly says he doesn't want to go to his Dad's, not really in a determined way, in a moany "do I have to go?" sort of way. He is like that with other situations as well and I have always brushed it off and generally he comes back in an OK mood but has sat on a games console all weekend. My ex has taken him on one holiday in ten years, and one day out. My DS says they interract for about 10 mins of the car journey, then that's it for the weekend.

This would all be fine and I would keep on encouraging it, but DS is starting to get a bit of a social life. I get really fed up of telling him that he can't go to a party or go to a friends for the night at the weekend because it's his Dad's weekend (Dad has moved 1.5 hours away, although sometimes works in our area), only to find on a Friday afternoon or evening (he is supposed to be picked up at 6pm) my ex will text me and say he can't have DS this weekend. Meaning that DS doesn't see his Dad but also doesn't get to do things with his friends either. It also means that I can never plan too much for myself as I never know if I am looking after DS or not (we live in the middle of nowhere so have to be taxi service).

So how shall I move this forward? My ex has 4 other kids who he never sees as well as 7 grandchildren, so I do know if I try and talk to him, at best, nothing will change and at worst he will cut contact because he will feel I am blackmailing him if I ask him to be consistent or at least give me and DS notice if he can't see DS.

redhen - I think at 14, your DS is old enough to call his Dad himself and ask whether or not he will be picked up on Friday - "because so-and-so has invited me out if not".

IMO, the contact should be a priority, but not inflexible - so not seeing his Dad one weekend because there is a specific party/event taking place is different from not being bothered to go because he wants to hang out with his mates at the local park, for instance.

I'm encouraging my DD to talk to her dad about flexibility around the care arrangements now she is getting older - if she gets a party invite similar, I want her to say I'll call Dad and check that's OK rather than say please can you call Dad and check that it's ok.

It is when a DC's assertion that "I don't want to go" is supported with the parental response "OK, well, you don't have to" that I get pissed off -that same parent would soon motivate the DC to go to school in the morning, so why is seeing a parent any different?

theredhen - I guess 14 is around the age you'd expect contact to be on a more flexible basis. In an ideal world, the 'contact weekends' would evolve into something that suits the child's lifestyle better. It's great that your DS is getting more of a social life. Ideally, his contact with his father would change to accomodate that?

Is your ex up for the idea of something more flexible, and do you think DS would prefer that?

What all new and nadm said

Yes, I think I will start getting ds to deal directly with his Dad.

I do feel that the relationship between them is so fragile because of my ex and his lack of interest that if I or ds start trying to introduce flexibility his Dad will give up altogether. It's such a different situation to the ones I read on this board and to my dps situation.

My DP's eldest is 14 with an active social life - but she generally asks DP directly if she can vary when she comes to his because of it. Her mum isn't usually the go-between. After a recent cock up when she went off for a sleepover 15 miles away on a day due back to her mum's and claimed she'd told DP to tell her mum (DP denies being told) she's been told clearly by both her parents that she needs to deal with them directly. But contact time is very normal for DP's kids - it's not treated as something sacred or like "quality time" to be valued above other things - so she asks and they usually say yes.

I think the thing to do from the ages of around 12-17 is to start letting them be flexible about when they go to their other parent's, but to keep the overall principle of sharing their time between two homes (however they've always done it) in place - so that they keep up the relationship and the sense that both their parents are parents who are there to look after them.

• I know exactly how post feels about not wanting to spend a weekend with my ex - and sometimes the complaints my DCs make about their dad, whilst fairly minor, do remind me why I'm glad I'm no longer with him....

The posts from the grown up step kids on this thread are sad - and a really useful warning to all of us BMs who have the power, if we want to use it, to prevent or dissuade our DCs from continuing relationships with their other parent

• the regrets they have though are around not ending up with a relationship at all - being able to alter when they go because of a party, or move to seeing one of their parent a bit more like a student or young adult might (for holidays, days out, etc) whilst still a young teen wouldn't do that.