When to stop trying to "keep the DC's out of it"

[NotaDisneyMum]

DP and I have done loads of reading, attended workshops, watched videos and taken part in the Putting Children First course, and the overwhelming message is not to put DC's in the middle of adult disputes, not to undermine the other parent and not to set the other parent up as the bad guy.

We do this with both the DSC and DD - but it isn't reciprocated by either ex, and we're starting to wonder if it just makes things worse if one parent tries to "do the right thing" while the other totally disregards it.

Example: DP is away for a job interview next week for one night - which coincides with the beginning of DSS contact time. I'm happy to still have him here, and hoped it might help him accept me a bit more . DP spoke to DSS mum about it before speaking to DSS - but his ex went straight to DSS, told him that he could do what he wanted, and agreed with DSS on our behalf what the altered arrangements would be; not bothering to check if it was OK with us.

So now, DP is the bad guy, I'm apparently overstepping and everyone is pissed off. I belatedly think that it would have been better if DP had spoken to DSS about it before speaking to DSS mum - but that goes against all the professional advice we have been given about keeping DC's out of arrangements until both parents are in agreement.

Suggestions?

What was the purpose of your DH ringing his ex though? Was he simply informing her that he wouldn't be there? Or was he offering in her the choice of whether DS came or not? If he was, it doesn't seem that unreasonable to me that she asked her DS what he wanted (I'd probably do the same if my ex rang me and told me the same thing). I mean, she wouldn't necessarily think she needed to check the arrangements back with you if she'd thought that your DP was offering a choice and was OK with either option, would she?

Shame your DP has been portrayed as the bad guy in any way though - he's done the right thing completely. Job interviews are important and take presidence over just about everything else in life - everyone knows that.

But if the ex is being difficult, then I do think you're only going to make things worse if you were to go directly to DSS in a situation like that as he'd feel caught in the middle and might feel he had to cover up what you'd told him to his mum, or else would tell her and she'd fly off the handle.... so all in all you probably handeled it as well as you could have done.

purple it wasn't so much that she gave DSS the choice whether to be here when his Dad isn't - more that she gave him the opportunity to dictate when DP would collect him, what meals he would have with us etc etc.
DP wanted to give his ex the choice so let her know by email - he wanted to let her know that I was happy to have DSS but if she would prefer not to, could they come to a mutually agreeable alternative?
She didn't bother to get back to DP and instead placed the whole issue in DSS hands - without knowing our limitations on pick up times etc

Oh that does sound a bit unreasonable - your DP just wanted a simple answer as to whether he would come that night or the next (which is reasonably DSS could be asked for his views on) but all the details of when to collect, etc are the business for adults to work out between themselves.

But still not sure there's really anything better you could have done. You could talk to DSS generally about how he would feel about coming when his dad's not there, and make sure he feels that he's welcome anyway. Technically your DP can leave his DS in your charge if he wants to during his contact time without having to ask his ex - but whether this is actually a good idea or likely to cause a lot of strife in your case I wouldn't like to judge. But to try and involve DSS in the decision would I think be worse if you both did it than if just his mum does it, however much that seems unfair.

It was actually me who suggested that DP get in touch with his ex about this in the first place
DP was all for keeping the contact routine in place (as long as I was happy for DSS to be here, of course) and I said that I would be happy with it as long as DSS mum was aware

I realise now that my baggage might have got in the way a bit, too I might not be totally subjective about this I don't think
Last year, a few weeks after my DDs stepmum moved in with exH, DD was left in her care overnight while exH was away on business - and he was not available by phone or able to return in an emergency (he was at sea). Had I known, I would have made sure that I was at the very least available by phone that weekend - as it was, I was away as well, so unknowingly, neither of DDs parents were available in the case of an emergency I've never said anything or raised it with exH though, and DD was fine - and she thinks her SM is cool!

Possibly as a result of my experience that weekend, i thought it was important that DSS mum knew in advance that DP was going to be away and DSS would be in my care. DP didn't have to tell her. You're right though, if DSS mum had found out from DSS afterwards, she'd have gone into a low orbital flight pattern!!!

Hello,
I personally wouldnt have said anything - I don't see that it would have been a big deal if your DP wasnt there just for that night. You are part of DSS's family and it shouldnt matter if it's you or his dad there just for that night. I do see why you did though Disney and I think you were just trying to do the right thing in your eyes - unfortunately it has backfired somewhat!

All I can say is you just need to continue 'being the bigger people'. It is so hard - I know. In my case we have actively tried to never involve my DSD in anything horrible between us and the ex but there was an occasion in December where we felt it important that DSD - she's 9 - knew that mummy was saying 'no' for her to spend any time with us at Christmas. We didnt want DSD to think we didnt want her round (we were told we couldnt see her till after New Year and felt it was important that she knew we were trying to change her mum's mind...aargh!

We got into a big old barny with the ex about it and we were told that we were using DSD as a weapon - WE ARE?? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, when situations come up again perhaps always just ask yourself before doing anthing; What are my motives behind these actions, what do I think the ex will do, will this be seen as over-stepping, is this the best course of action I could take etc..if your answers to yourself are genuinely trying to 'do the right thing' (which I'm sure you always are as I have read other posts from you and you sound lovely) then just go ahead.

It will backfire sometimes (as you know) but at least your motives will be right and you will be appreciated for that by your DSS when he's old enough to realise what's going on.

We've stopped communicating the little shifts in schedule (like the one OP wrote about) for precisely the same reason - because DSS's bioM refuses to act like one of the adults and instead wants to play stupid games. The most frustrating part of all this is how it negatively impacts DSS. It's mind boggling, right? I mean, this is her child. But no matter how many times DP and I attempt to be mature and do the 'correct' thing, she always takes the low road.

And it's nothing less than chilling to see her lying, manipulative ways show up randomly in DSS's own behaviour. Much much constant work to do in hopes of eradicating her negative influence...

I think you always have to be the bigger person, no matter what the other parent is doing, you can't sink to that level. You can only control what you do, and agree a way forward that is best in the circs. My DSS is told to phone us when his mother wants to change arrangements - it is absolutely awful for him. DH and I have agreed that we will just tell him that grown-ups sort out contact arrangements, so Mummy will have to talk to Daddy (and repeat).

We have a constant issue with punctuality, too. DSS and his mother were 30 minutes late to the hand-over point this morning. DH said politely that he needed to leave quite quickly because he had an appointment (taking cat to vets) so ex kept him waiting for another 15 minutes. But we ensure DSS is back on time because he is the one who is negatively impacted if we were to 'play her at her own game'.

So, if you know that the other parent will respond to your action by behaving in a way that is less than desirable for the child, then you do what you can to minimise that. Eg in this case not tell her.

Not easy, is it?

We don't tell the ex anything. She tells us um..... Zero and always has done. We find out everything from SD who is only 5 so its hardly fair on her.

DH works weekends, which is the only time we're allowed contact, so I look after her. Ex tried a complaining routine a few weeks agon DH just sent one back saying 'you knew it was like this, it has been for 8m now.' Oddly she didn't reply........

I wouldn't have even mentioned it tbh. Tonight DH is on nightshift. SD is asleep upstairs. I will take her to soft play while DH sleeps in the morning, and then we'll have the afternooon together :)

Anita I hope that one day, DSS and I will be able to do just that - at the moment, his conflict and discomfort in my presence is a significant issue (which DP is fighting to get the right support for).
I was prepared to care for DSS in DPs absence given the circumstances, but it would have been challenging for DSS and myself