How the hell do I deal with this one now??

[sasslejaney84]

Ok, I'm going to try my best not to drip feed, I'm sorry, this may be quite long...

My OH and his ex broke up after 6 yrs around 2 yrs ago, not the best break up but they did try to keep it amicable for a while, she allowed him to stay in the house until he found work (he had been made redundant around 18 months previous and had stayed at home to help with the kids, at her request) and then when she got with fancy man A (married with 2 kids of his own)she kicked him out and he ended sofa surfing for a few months until he found somewhere else.

They have 4 DC together.

She moved out of the house pretty sharpish after fancy man A's wife found out and kicked off

She contacted a solicitor, mediation was agreed upon, completed and settled. Contact was arranged, sorted and they settled into a routine

I met him a year after the split and within 3 months he had moved in and then just a month after that we were having the children from friday to sunday, every weekend! Quite quick for me and although I raised the issue it was never really dealt with (I think my OH wanted an easy life tbh)

His eldest DD has a habbit of telling lies, either big ones or little ones, either waay its wrong, one weekend she tried blaming an accidental breaking of a plate on my DD, I'd watched her drop the plate, asked her what had happened expecting a response of "the plate slipped" or something similar but got "your DD did it" I took her upstairs, while my OH cleared up the mess(he hadn't seen the incident and as I had left me to deal with it, we show a united front with all 5 DC) I explained to her that lying was wrong, I wouldn't take it, daddy won't and I'm sure mummy doesn't either, this house has its rules and if she isn't prepared to live by them when she was here then we would have to look at alternatives. Especially if she was putting the blame on others.

I realise some of you may see that as being harsh, however, this wasn't the first time she had lied that weekend and blamed others for her behaviour and she had even blamed the youngest for her hitting her DH during an argument!

In july last year SS got involved with my OH's kids (due to fancy man B)and this has caused tension between my OH and his ex, she didn't tell him and SS turned up on our door and told us, I still don't know her reasoning for this.

In january, the eldest DD made an allegation that 'daddy hurt me by hitting me' this was reported to the police by the school (not by their mother/grandmother as previously claimed to SS) and my DSD was interviewed by police and so was my OH and the police came to the conclusion that she was lying and they didn't take the case any further

Contact (rightly) stopped while the investigation went on and now its resumed

However, this is in the same manor as before, the eldest did not want to come but she was forced into coming because mummy wanted to go see her OH alone (he doesn't like kids)

I cannot cope with the lies, I know it mainly happens for attention but we cannot provide the attention during the week, the ex refused my offer of taking her to see a counseller, my offer of taking her out during the week, or anything SS have come up with, they know its down to attention, they know she loves seeing daddy and me but can't cope with everything her mother shoves in her face (new men, new 'family', new houses etc) she is 6 and when she is not lying she is an amazing kid! She gets on with everyone and we have tried our best but are seriously on the verge of saying enough is enough, but that is only going to make it bloody worse!!

I'm currently 12 wks PG and haven't told the DSC, I'm not sure how she will react and this scares me tbh.

I know this just seems like I'm seriously SC baShing but I am at the end of my tether with her and don't know what to do, also, this has turned out to be a massive essay so if you get to this point, well done!

That should read, she hit her DB not DH!! Sorry for the spelling mistakes too, I'm on my phone

personally I wouldn't tell her yet. How are the other dc with you and their dad? The 6yo is probably confused and possibly upset that she doesn't have all her family under one roof. Has any of it been explained to her properly e.g. It wasn't your fault, mummy and daddy still love you, just not eachother, we want everyone to get along and be happy etc

Does she have her own room/special toys at your house? Is there anything special she does with you guys that is different to what she does with mum?

Could it possibly be that she is feeding off what her mum sad to her? I have seen this many a time with step-families where one parent will say unkind things about their other half. Is it possible her mum is telling her things that arn't true that are making her act this way?

She seems to be getting a lot of attention when she does tell lies. Have you tried saying "Now you and I both know that's not true" and then ignoring her for a bit?

I wouldn't make a big deal out of the lying tbh. Most kids lie at times. Both of mine have at times tried to blame the other for something wrong that they have done. And my DP's DCs are just the same. The need to learn not to of course, but I wouldn't read too much into it, or dwell on it. Just tell her not to, and move on.

You can say "enough is enough" if you really can't cope, and walk out with your DD. But your DP cannot. They are his kids.

Probably best to try to distance yourself from what goes on in their mother's house and try not to blame all bad behaviour on it. Obviously keep track of things if you think they're really having trouble, SS involved, etc, but there's probably nothing you can do about her mother having new men, new houses, etc. Just try and provide the best stability you can in your own home and help her feel secure there. It's not easy to give attention to kids when there are 4 or 5 of them. Can you see if you or DP can find

sorry - pressed post too early - meant to say if DP can find time to spend a bit of one to one with his DD, to avoid her lying to get attention.

If SS are recommending counselling and your DPs ex is refusing, why isn't your DP arranging it?
He doesn't need her permission to do so - and if you are the one that takes her to the appointment on occasion, then that's up to him too.

DCs can only benefit from youth counselling, particularly when they are feeling insecure.

Agree, it sounds like DSD would benefit from counselling and if the mum is not sorting it, her dad needs to.

I understand how overwhelming this must all be for you - four kids (plus your own) and all happened quite quickly.

"this house has its rules and if she isn't prepared to live by them when she was here then we would have to look at alternatives."
i wonder what you meant by this? If I were her, I am afraid that I would hear that and think "what alternatives? does she mean I am not going to be welcome here?" - I don't think you were harsh to tell her off for lying, not at all - but I do think this comes across like a threat to remove her from the household, and that is too harsh and wrong for both her age and for what happened! Perhaps it would be better to say "we have a rule here about not telling lies. If you break that rule, the consequence will be..." and then give her a fair and specific consequence - a time out, losing a privilege, whatever you and DP decide. Scaring her with the thought of not being welcome in what is really her own second home will only make things worse, I think.

Likewise, I don't understand what you mean by "enough is enough" - again, her time with her dad cannot be seen to be optional, by anyone involved. Like purpleroses says - you can choose to leave the situation, but your DP cannot.

I have a sense from your post that you haven't quite come to terms with the fact that your DP is going to have his children there, every weekend, for years and years and years. It is OK to be overwhelmed by that, but I think maybe - possibly? - you are still dealing with that yourself. When my DP and I went to counselling, one of the things the counsellor said to me was that I needed to mourn - to grieve the loss of the life that I was giving up, by choosing to be with DP and the SCs, before I would be able to accept it and move forward. It took me aback a bit - no one else seemed to even think I had a right to feel sad or like I had lost anything! - but she was right. Just something to think about, maybe...

We only have the children on a weekend, therefore it is down to the mum to take her and even though I have offered to pay for travel etc she has refused on various occasions, we have meetings with SS too and this has been brought up with her and she has denyed it

Thank you for the advice! I am going to show my DP the responses to this.

I'm thinking this weekend I may have to just ignore the lies, it is hard to give them all one and one time but we do our best to give them all as much as possible.

Thank you again

We only have the children on a weekend, therefore it is down to the mum to take her

I've held off for a day replying in the hope someone else would pick it up as I'm not the best when it comes to tact - but why can't your DP take the time to arrange counselling for his DD that SS have suggested?

Just because he only has regular (or even court ordered) contact with her at weekends doesn't mean that he isn't her parent the rest of the time - and if he believes that she needs it, then he has a responsibility as a parent to arrange this and get here there.

My DP did this; he asked his ex if she agreed, she didn't, so DP went ahead, booked the appointment, arranged time out of work and made sure the school were aware. As soon as DSS mum realised that is was going to happen with or without her input she changed her tune and got involved - which was definitely better for DSS

She is 6 yrs old and you told her she could leave - holy cow.

My DC tells lies - kids do but sorry that is an over reaction and a half.

I think some counselling services will see you on a Saturday - worth checking out. Or maybe a Friday late afternoon or first thing Monday morning appointment might fit in with weekend contact time at a push?

It is really hard with 4 DCs (plus one of your own) to give them all one on one time. Even taking two at a time out somewhere might help. But when you're ignoring the lies, don't ignore them absolutely - she needs to know that you know she is lying and that you don't aprove. "Now I know that's not true.... [change subject]" is a good approach. Just try not to let them bother you, or become a source of friction.

My DP's ex has said that if we arrange anything in an "underhand way" she will no longer allow contact (her exact words) so unfortunatly I am stuck in that respect!

iblame I told her she could leave as she was blaming my DD and I don't want my DSD to think this is appropriate or my DD to think she would get away with it, she stated she wanted to go and therefore, if she didn't want to stay, I will take them back as I don't want her to feel like she HAS to come, that's not fair on her.

purrple I shall have a look into that and see what we can do, thank you very much

We have since put a reward chart up in the girls room, we have explained how this works. Hopefully it will help.

I hope this stops soon, I'm going to check with social worker if she knows anywhere we can go for a saturday morrning session with a counsellor.

I told her she could leave as she was blaming my DD and I don't want my DSD to think this is appropriate or my DD to think she would get away with it, she stated she wanted to go and therefore, if she didn't want to stay, I will take them back as I don't want her to feel like she HAS to come, that's not fair on her.

sassle I think you are perfectly entitled to be upset about the lying and right to want to address these things. But - forgive me for being a bit blunt, because I do sympathise with you - I really think you have to change your thinking about this point. The impression that comes across in your posts, and which might be coming across to the kids, is that their welcome and status in the home is conditional on their behaviour. At the age they are, that is not appropriate or fair, in the least. Would you have told your DD she was free to leave if she didn't want to stay? Of course not. With a child that age, it is not fair on her to allow her to opt out of contact based on the scenario you have outlined here. I've said it before and I will say it again - the kids' time with their dad cannot be seen to be optional, by anyone involved - not their mum, not their dad, not you, and not them. And I really do think that you are risking making the kids feel like they are there on sufference, and the behaviour will just get worse and worse.

You don't have to feel the same way towards the SCs as you do towards your own child. You can definitely expect them to folow the same rules, in your house, as your kids, but when they break the rules, the repercussions have to be the same as well. I am guessing you would never tell your own DD, at this age, that if she continued to break the rules, you'd have to come up with alternatives to her staying there. You really can't do it with your SCs either - not at this age, and not for these sort of transgressions.

Maybe, rather than saying "go if you won't live by this house's rules", try saying "these are the rules of this house. I would like you to abide by them, because life is more fun for all of us, because then we can concentrate on hugs and fun stuff, not telling you off all the time". I know it sounds a bit sucking eggs-y, but try stepping back for a mo. their life doesn't sound fun or pleasant with mum, or consistent, so it up to you both to create a consistent life at yours. That means sitting together, deciding where the boundaries are, and what the consequences are and sticking to them.

For us (my 3, dp's ds, and his dd at uni, so 4,6,7,9,19) we use time outs a lot. Our home has a fairly open layout, and they all hate having to sit on a kitchen chair while the others have fun. I also have a personal issue with lying, and taking responsibility for one's actions, so in our home the consequences are worse if you lie on top of your crime. So hitting a sibling= bollocking. worse= time out. Lying as well = time out, bollocking, and extra. Until they all got the hang of the rules the front garden was beautifully free of weeds! These days it is only the 4yo that ends up on the chair, the threat is enough for the others. Make other times fun, so we do dog walks together,afternoons at the park, we go to church together, and the togetherness is what our tribe seem to thrive on.

I don't mean to lecture, but hope this gives a couple of ideas.

Ok, I don't mean to be harsh, but I thought you were talking about a young teenager the way you were describing her. My youngest is almost 6 and yes she lies, and throws tantrums and cries when she doesn't get her own way, because she's 6! How old is your own dd?

She is definitely attention seeking but that comes with the territory for most kids, and she's really very very young. I don't really see how you can say "enough is enough"? She's your DP's dd where is she going to go? Unless you're thinking of leaving him? It must be really challenging with 5 very young children every weekend but you have to find a way to deal with her behaviour without putting the blame on her. It's not her fault, she is reacting to her situation. And lying about smashing a plate and blaming another child is really quite the norm, dd2 does it ALL the time, even when I have quite blatantly saw her do it.

I think you're being very harsh on the poor girl. It's only been 2 years since her mummy and daddy split up, so she would have been 4 when it happened. She has had to adjust to being split between the 2 every week, then mummy has a succession of new boyfriends, daddy has a new girlfriend and she's gained a new (step) sister in a short space of time. She's also the eldest so going to feel everything that bit more than her younger siblings.

I think if you can cut her loads of slack (really loads), give her lots of cuddles and positive attention, and ignore the bad as much possible it may work. What she needs is to feel secure and loved, she's probably very confused right now.