Help - bringing (crap) practices from the other house home with them? How should I respond?

[chelen]

Hi all - please can anyone help me??

We have a little weird thing happening which we are finding frustrating at the moment.

DSS lives here, sees mum weekends and holidays. One thing he tells us he hates is mum recently said he couldn't get her up til 9:30am so he has to wait hours for breakfast. Here he is allowed to go and help himself anytime from 6am, we are all usually up by then anyway as our toddler is a no-sleep freak.

The last two times he has come home he has complained about this issue, then the very next day refuses his usual breakfast, then comes and asks me at some later hour if he is 'allowed' any breakfast, then tries hard to get me to give him 1-1 waitress service rather than just getting on with it.

I am wondering if he tells how he feels, then feels guilty about critcising mum, then hopes to kind of square the circle by getting us to almost 'endorse' mum's approach, so then he can dislike it in both houses equally?

Do you have the same? Do you have any wisdom?

If you all tell me that I should sleep in til 9:30am while DP looks after kids singlehandedly, I will just have to suck it up I guess...

I guess he just has to understand: "This is how we do it, and that is how mummy does it". He'll get used to it if you don't make a big deal about it.

The problem is, maybe my OP wasn't really clear enough, he isn't not doing something he should/failing to comply with a rule, he is manipulating and working within the rules to create a situation exactly like the one he says he hates. He is entitled to eat his breakfast late on a weekend, but he makes a drama out of it somehow.

Sorry to sound frustrated but after 5 years of faithful service, 'different house, different rules' is too simplistic for this one and I'm stumped!

How old is he? ( I had the impression he was about 5 - but now I'm thinking he's older than that?)

Is he just not used to getting his own? I have a four year who's just starting to be ready to get his own, so maybe he just isn't comfortable with the whole self-service concept yet and needs guidance? Unless he's 15, in which case you have a bigger problem!

He's 8, he lives here so 5 or 6 mornings per week for the last 4 years he has got his own breakfast, any time after 6am (that's our rule). We are always already up so if he truly can't find something he can ask, but our house is set up for this procedure.

Just recently his mum has said he is not allowed in her room til 9:30, which he does not like as he then can not have breakfast til after then (he wakes before 6am).

On the last two weekends only, he has on day 1, got up and done it normally as per our customs. Then later in the day he has got very upset about the rule at mum's (he usually tells us stuff about emotions re. visits/separation the day AFTER he gets home, after one night's sleep in our home). Then twice on day 2 he has 'manufactured' a situation where his breakfast is closer to the new procedure at mum's - which he says he hates. He is not breaking any of our rules by doing this but this is a big pain tbh as he is moping about being obviously hungry, then nattering me for breakfast & asking 'permission' for things he freely accepts he knows he is allowed to do, then asking for help for things he can easily do - and has done for 4 years now.

I know he is acting out a feeling to do with the rule change at mum's. I do not comment on the rule change at mum's. I encourage him to talk to mum if he doesn't like something and say every house is different.

But I am riled by it, and my usual mantras of 'different house, different rules' doesn't apply because he isn't breaking any rule in the first place!

Basically I am hoping some wise stepmums who also get other house habits pushed on them can advise me before I snap and say 'Oh just eat some fucking breakfast!' which is what I am thinking but this phrase has never appeared in my stepmothering guidebooks....

Sounds to me like you need the "broken record" technique.

Basically, when he keeps asking questions to which he already knows the answer you just give the same answer:

• "Can I have breakfast yet?"
• "You know you can have breakfast whenever you want".
• "Can I get the things out?"
• "You know you can have breakfast whenever you want".
• "Do I have to wait?"

-"You know you can have breakfast whenever you want".

• "I'm really hungry".
• "You know you can have breakfast whenever you want".
• "Can you get the cereal for me"
• "You know you can have breakfast whenever you want" (Just point at it or say "you know where it is".)
• "I wish I hadn't had breakfast so late"
• "You know you can have breakfast whenever you want".

You get the idea. As you know, you can't criticise his mum and mustn't get drawn into arguments about what she does. "That's just what she does and I'm sure she has her reasons. But when you're here you know you can have breakfast whenever you want".

Thanks Bradbourne. Do you find your stepkids are as likely to try to get you to do the things they DON'T like as the things they do? I'm used to 'mum let's me do x' but we haven't had this before.

Any ideas you have for why he is acting it out this way?

He's seeking stability. He's tried getting his mum to do things the way you do - it didn't work. Now he's trying to get you to do things the way SHE does - because even though he doesn't like it, he wants everything to be the same.

Explain to him that in this house, it works like this, the same way as it always has done, and that it will carry on working like this forever and ever.

I think colditz is right. I think there is also possibly an element of him wanting you to see how "bad" it is so you will agree with him and then he can go back to his mum's and say: "Well, chelen doesn't think I should do it this way, either!".

And the other thing is to make sure he is praised for doing things the way you want him to : "Good boy for getting your breakfast out." Remember children thrive on attention and if they feel they are not getting enough attention or appreciation for doing the right thing, they might start doing the wrong thing instead.

Ah, so perhaps stability trumps all, which is not how I thought it would be given how much he seems to hate it! Thanks both.

Could he also be seeking attention as I imagine his mum's apprach would make him feel quite isolated, over 3 hours being alone and not interacting with anyone is a long time for a child at that age.

What does he feel about his mums rules (other than hungry!)

Hi Smum, I haven't prodded too hard when he has said he's not happy because I haven't wanted to lead. But he is not just moaning IMO, he really doesn't like it. I know he doesn't understand why the rule changed (used to be 7:30). He also has said he finds it hard to wait.

DSS is not a stroppy boy at all, I was a very bolshy child and at his age would have just gone in whatever the rule (despite having really rather scary parents, it's just how I was!) but DSS is very respectful.

He has not often struggled with 'different house, different rules', and I do wonder if he is trying to communicate how much he doesn't like this change. But also, I am wary of reading too much into it.

What I do know is this is the first time he has tried to 'import' something he doesn't like and it just feels like the different house, different rules thing is not what he is trying to test.