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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

adding a new sibling

14 replies

ladygagoo · 26/02/2012 12:02

Hello lovely SMs.... please can I benefit from your collective vast experience?
I am pregnant with my first baby. However DSS (7) lives full time with us and I am a SAH parent to him.

Can I have some suggestions on how we tell DSS that he is going to have a brother or sister - when is a good time and anything we should think of before we tell him. Baby is due in September and DSS will be 8 by then.
I am a bit worried about it, he has been an only child for so long, just not sure how he will take the news.
First scan is in a week and we are planning on telling family after that. I was wondering if that is also the time to tell him or whether we should wait a bit longer as for a child its so long to wait.
Generally DSS is really quite sweet with younger children but will be quite worried about his 'stuff' (ie precious lego) being interfered with, I think.
Any advice gratefully received - thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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edam · 26/02/2012 12:05

You sound like a lovely, caring SM. Tell him when you are telling everyone else - at 8, he can understand the concept of waiting for six months. I hope he'll be excited but yes, probably a bit concerned about the family dynamics changing as well. Lots of reassurance and attention and clear plans about where baby will sleep and all that.

I have a half-sister who is 14 years young and was thrilled, if that helps.

edam · 26/02/2012 12:06

younger

DharmaBumpkin · 26/02/2012 15:42

I have a DSD who lives with us and was 6.5 when DD was born.

She was THRILLED at the prospect of a new baby, and is a fab big sister... Age gap makes for a good little helper!

We just used the techniques recommended for introducing the concept to full siblings, ie focus on the kid... You're going to have a new baby brother /sister rather than We're having a new baby, etc

bonnymiffy · 26/02/2012 16:26

You sound lovely, and I'm sure your DSS will adapt better than you think. My DSS was 9 when DD arrived, and he loves her! She is 9 months now, and he helped with feeding her breakfast and lunch today. My advice would be to tell him early (or as early as you are happy with) as it will have a bigger impact on him than others (eg your inlaws). Make sure he is part of the journey - for example you could show him the diagrams on Mumsnet of how big the baby is at the stages of development during the pregnancy, show him scan pictures, but as Dharma says, make it about him - how he can be involved, not how you'll have less time to spend with him. Even ask him what names he might like - my DSS thought of Harry or Hermione (guess the influence!) even though we didn't use them. If he's with you full time (or near enough) then they will have the same relationship as full siblings would, pretty much. Congratulations!

Original poster

ladygagoo · 26/02/2012 16:41

ah yes, good thinking. Think about the positives rather than the negatives.
I think I see how our dynamic works right now and worry for him that he is going to lose out on things like attention and 121 time with both of us. When actually he probably will quite relish the idea of being the big brother.
He hasn't actually asked any questions about where babies come from yet and we both think this will be a bit of a catalyst for that - can anyone recommend a good book that explains it all? Thanks all

OP posts:

purpleroses · 26/02/2012 18:11

Tell him at the same time as you tell other family - once you tell a few people it's very hard to keep things quiet, and there's a good chance he could find out from someone else accidently.

He'll probably be excited at that age. I would certainly tell him in the spirit of sharing some exciting news that you think he'll be pleased about. Then follow up with a bit of reasurance about still having time to do things with him, if he seems to have any nerves.

My DS was only 3 when I was pregnant with DD but he loved looking at my NCT book which had pictures of babies in tummies. The Usbourne book about your body (I forget the title) is very good on fairly child-friendly stuff about how babies are made too - would be about right for 7 I think.

DharmaBumpkin · 26/02/2012 18:18

We used 'Mummy laid an egg', and backed it up with age appropriate answers to her many and exhausting questions.

We were also realistic about how much fun the baby would be when it was young and the limitations on playing with it... ie no we won't be playing tea parties the day after it's born, bubba will have to learn to talk /walk/roll over etc, sprinkled with copious amounts of DSD you're so good at that, I bet you'll be able to show bubba exactly what to do

edam · 26/02/2012 18:19

Mummy Laid an Egg is v. good, kept ds royally entertained. I forgot to say 'congratulations' btw, so have some .

purpleroses · 26/02/2012 18:23

Laid an egg - isn't he going to want to see the egg if you say that?

DCs don't necessarily ask how the baby got there if you simply tell them that you're growing one inside you. We avoided telling my DS how it got there - as the age he was he was intent on sharing his knowledge with the entire world . But at 7 I would have thought your DSS is old enough to understand and not go shouting about it.

DharmaBumpkin · 26/02/2012 18:25

Also with regards to telling everyone, we told DSD first and then let her tell people... Admittedly a couple of them were pre-told (my parents for example) but she really enjoyed being the one to tell everyone the big news :)

purpleroses · 26/02/2012 18:35

Re dharma's suggestion - great idea, but don't do it until you are ready to have everyone else told. My DS told all sorts of people way earlier than I would have liked.

TheFeministsWife · 26/02/2012 19:08

I was a SAHM to my DSD like you when I got pregnant, she was 10 when dd1 was born (and 14 when dd2 was born). We told her first (well actually told my mum first but she kept quiet), as we thought it was important for her to feel a big part of it from the beginning. She absolutely loved being a big sister and was a huge help to me when dd1 was a baby, because of the big age gap she could help with practical things and loved being able to feed her and bathe her.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely stepmum.

Original poster

ladygagoo · 26/02/2012 21:40

Thanks for all the suggestions. I really like the idea of letting DSS 'tell' people, he quite enjoys being the bearer of good news. Also book suggestion, DSS is an avid reader at the mo so a book goes down well in most situations.
Off to discuss your ideas with DP - thanks All!

OP posts:

chelen · 27/02/2012 18:25

Hi, DSS is 6 years older than DS. We told him after 12 week scan. We told DSS first and then tipped mum off before he spoke to her, but she let him 'tell' her IYSWIM.

We also used a book, called Let's Talk. It is pretty factual which is much more my DP's style.

DSS has been amazing. I think kids love kids mostly. We talked a lot about how lucky the baby would be to have such an amazing brother, how much he could teach baby, what he could show baby, how much baby would love DSS etc etc.

We had a rocky start as DS was horribly ill so it made the early bonding stage quite fraught. There is a pic of DSS holding DS like he is a bomb about to go off, which we all laugh at now! They are an amazing team now.

They have the usual squabbles of course but their brotherly love is, well, lovely.

Best of luck with the pregnancy!

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