Another weekend with the step kids. I'm fed up already.

[PickledLily]

And so another weekend with DP's kids begins. One is in the bath, bellowing down the stairs for DP and having a tantrum because DP isn't appearing upon request. Meanwhile DP is out of ear-shot at the other end of the house getting screamed at by child 2 because he's not sorting out her SIM card whilst child 3 is screaming at child 2 because DP isn't paying her any attention (although she's saying it's because child 3 isn't being fair). DP meanwhile is trying to stay calm and sort them out one by one. I'm hiding in the kitchen because I'm fed up with the attention seeking behaviour and, although we understand why they act up, their behaviour drives me (and DP) nuts.

Other favourites - "I'm hungry, can I have a chocolate biscuit" 30 mins after supper, followed by "mum lets us"; "I'm bored" as they follow DP around the house.

It will be better tomorrow, the first 24 hours are always the worst, but any top tips for stopping the attention seeking, clingy behaviour?

Go and give child 3 some attention and distract them! Distract, distract, distract is pretty much all I do with other people's kids. Sorry it's so hard

Many years of practice later: you gotta have a plan! Keep'em busy and be super organised in the background.

Why dont you get off mumsnet and DO SOMETHING with the children them?

Seriously, do a bit of pre planning. A couple of pizzas, a suitable fun DVD and some microwave popcorn (and maybe even a bottle of wine) and you could all have a cinema night at home together.

And does it REALLY matter if you give them a chocolate biscuit after dinner. Presumably they dont live on a diet of chocolate biscuits alone. It wont kill them. Mine ate a load of toast and honey before dad arrived to pick them up then they were off down the chippy. But so what? Its Friday and they had a lads and dad cinema night planned.

Do something FUN

FWIW me and DP frequently have all of our children aged 11 to 16 together. but we all always have a good time, because we always have a plan

It's not for lack of a plan, I agree that no plan spells disaster! They have been kept fully occupied all evening (crafts, cooking, jumping around performing karaoke). Thing is, there is having a plan, and then there is learning to keep themselves occupied - they are incapable of doing any activity unless it involves DP's full attention.

Elastamum - the chocolate biscuits are just a decoy. They do it because they are all desperate to get DP to themselves (and away from the other 2) because they've not seen him all week. I wondered why the youngest was (until the bath episode) so chilled out this evening - it's because he had an hour with DP all to himself before they picked up the other 2 from school.

I guess it's never going to be easy with 3. Even with a plan, as soon as DP leaves the room (to get a drink/go to the loo/answer the phone), they follow like sheep and all try to grab him or start fighting amongst themselves. It doesn't make any difference if I'm doing things with them, they still run after DP.

I have to hide in the kitchen occasionally otherwise I would go mad.

So they are anxious and insecure, they need reassurance that their father still loves them.

It might be frustrating for you, but step into their shoes for a minute and imagine what it feels like to be them. They didnt choose this life they have been gifted. Sit down with your DP one night when they are not around and work out what you can both do to make them more secure. Once they feel secure, they will all calm down and probably just ignore you both!

Mine dont see their dad from one week to the next but i make sure he is involved. I send him updates so he can talk to them about what is going on and we send each otehr pics of what they are up to. They know they can speak to the other parent any time they like, and they frequently bob back and forwards regardless of whose week it is. And hard though it is we try to present a united front when it comes to parenting. It might not be the most convenient for us, but it works for them.

And there is always wine to fall back on

Yes, anxious and insecure is what they are. I wish the ex would keep DP in the picture - she keeps communication to the bare minimum required for logistics which makes life difficult, and often relies on the kids to pass on messages. Plus we have very different house rules which have taken a while for the kids to settle into. Whilst the kids are here, they are free to ring their mum, talk about what they are doing, plans for the week etc. We are very careful not to pry into the ex's life or say anything judgmental or unhelpful.

DP and I do regularly sit down and try to fathom out what would help improve things and help them feel more secure, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. It feels like groundhog day every time they visit.

Perhaps wine is the way to go!

Maybe if they had some scheduled 1 on 1 time they wouldn't fight for it so much?

We tried that; it caused loads of fights! But having said that, it was a while ago, so it's probably worth another try.

A lot of that sounds to me like normal enough behaviour in a household with lots of kids tbh - and it's always compounded when DCs don't see one of their parents all week and so are all competing for attention when they do see them.

My DP's DCs are often like that when they first arrive (there's 4 of them) - I find the most useful thing to do is to pick off one of them - whichever one is seeking attention but in a friendly way usually - and engage them in conversation, and let him deal with the others. Either of the younger two will usually go for some one to one from me in preference to competing with the others for DP - though does depend on their moods. And never easy if I myself have had a tough day and would like a bit of time with DP - that seems to fall way off the agenda on a Friday evening :(

DP's solution is usually to insist they all watch TV together - which calms them down and kind of works once they've got over the squabbles around who sits where. On the Saturday they all get up at different times, so can have some quality attention more easily.

But even in intact families with several DCs they will compete for attention, shout downstairs from the bath, insist they're hungry half an hour after a meal, etc, etc. No wouldn't see much of it as "wrong" in any way - just a hectic world to get used to if you've been child-free all week I guess.

I guess the difference with 'together' families is that you have continuity and consistency, mum gets to call the shots, and they don't feel that mum/dad might suddenly disappear from them.

Here, I think the kids expect the same kind of attention from DP that they would get from mum, but he struggles to hold 3 conversations at once and to deal with all the noise. Perhaps it's a lack of maternal instinct in me, but I don't seem to have the ability to keep the kids distracted for long enough to give DP a break. From what I've heard, it sounds like their mum's home works on an almost 'commune' basis - nobody has their own belongings, everything is shared, there's no personal space and there are very few boundaries. For example, DP wasn't allowed an office (he often works at home), unless everybody could use it.

Just feeling a bit of a failure at the moment. And angry that the ex is so uncommunicative. As someone said, it's not the kids fault they are in this situation but yet they get the bum deal.

What do you want her to communicate about ?
Keeping it strictly about the kids' arrangements seems to be the standard advice.

And why did DP want a room that no one else could use?

Sorry it;s tough but you seem very understanding.Hope DP appreciates it and things settle down soon

Hi, sorry you are finding it tough. It does sound quite like normal kid stuff - we get same here. It is very hard on handover days particularly. The kids are all churned up, they get hyper/clingy etc?

I think the only way to do things is to plan. But we used to OVERplan to keep everyone moving and this was nearly as bad as no plan at all. It's so hard, isn't it, trying to get it right.

pickled I understand exactly the type of behaviour you mean - and I've only got one DSC to contend with
The difference, IMO, between an intact and a step family in this situation is the behaviour of the parent. It is unlikely that a parent would tolerate being screamed at by their DC if they shared the same household all the time. The limited contact and your DHs desire to 'make the most' of the time they have together leads to differences.

Could the contact weekends be split - so the DCs don't all come together? I know it's a huge ask of you to give up ALL your weekends - but it might just work. DSS became a lot better once he started visiting without DSD

i know this is a bit of a side point - but this And why did DP want a room that no one else could use?

What is the problem there? My own father had an office. My DH has an office. I have an office. If there is space permitting in a home, why on earth should the adults not have private space?

On the rest of it, pickled, I agree with you about there being a difference between needing some planned activities and 'one-on-one time', and the kids being able to entertain and sustain themselves. When I met DH (who had the kids full-time), his kids looked to him for all their entertainment needs (sadly the only surrogate was the TV) and (at 11 and 14) were still engaging in the kind of stuff you have described, and the more he fed it, the worse it got. They were horrendously abusive to him if he did not jump fast enough to follow orders. (This has gotten much better, most of the time, but we still have it popping up from time to time.) HOw old are your SCs?

I think that in an intact family, the parents are not (or should not be!) generally expected to wait hand and foot on the children, or to arrange a cruise ship style itinerary, once the kids have reached an age where they should be learning to spend time alone, or to find ways to occupy themselves occasionally. I'm not denying that the kids need time with their dad - but it sounds like you and your DH are already making sure they get that. When DH is with one kid, though, another kid needs to be able to cope.

Finally - DP needs to discuss secondary schools with the Ex very soon and from my perspective, it would be useful to know what clothes need to go back, if they need certain things on certain days for school, if they've been ill and are off-colour. Things that would help us help the kids. The childminder gets told more than we do. It's ridiculous.

DP needed an office for his paperwork, music equipment (expensive and not a toy for the kids to play with) and some quiet space to think; somewhere without the kids rampaging through and where he could find his stuff where he left it without it having been redistributed across the house. Seems a perfectly reasonable request to me, especially as it pays the bills. But apparently the Ex was having none of it. No doubt there is another side to the story, but on the face of it, it seems weird. (My father also had an office - you ventured in on pain of death, although it was tolerated if accompanied by a cup of tea!)

Anyway, all quiet today. The kids are playing together with just the usual quarrels you'd expect from any children. They had loads of time with DP last night and first thing this morning. It does just seem to be the first 24hours.

I'm also of the view that kids need to learn to entertain themselves (we're not Butlins!) but realise that the day is so much better with a packed plan. However, it does feel like the more you do with them, the more they expect to be entertained 24 hours a day.

NotaDisneyMum - agreeing even a small change in time for pick up/drop off is a nightmare, so I don't think splitting the kids would go down well. DP wouldn't want to be seen to break his side of the agreement, as the ex wouldn't understand the rationale and would probably take it as him being unreasonable.

I understand there has been a lot of hurt because of the divorce, but it does makes me cross that 2 adults are incapable of having a civil conversation. What kind of message does that send to the children? The kids must be constantly stepping on egg-shells.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies. I guess it's just the lot of a step-mother and I need to find a way to be better prepared for it the next weekend they are all here!

Better prepared you say?

Detachment is your friend..

Earplugs and blindfold gratefully received

Pickled I feel your pain. My dsc have gone out with their dad for the morning and are due back in the next hour. I am enjoying a quiet cup of tea, my last bit of peace until tomorrow night. The urge to just go out until tea time is overwhelming!!
Hang in there - I'm told it gets easier!

I feel your pain too. Children with siblings rarely get one on one time with thier parent, they need to learn to fight and get along with eachother with a parent helicoptering around all the time.

I agree re the Butlins comment - it's great to do fun things of course but not outside of the realms of normal parenting.

Of course it's not unreasonable for your DP to have an office of his own if he works from home.