struggling with the idea of being a stepmum

[sam97]

I am feeling really really rubbish..i love my boyfriend to bits and his 6 year old daughter too (who he coparents), we spend lots of time together as a family, we get on well. We have been together for three years. We are at the stage where he wants us to live together and to live as a family, but I have terrible reservations. I feel like I will be giving up on all my dreams of travelling and how i wanted my future to be in order to be a stepmum. I realise it?s a role that is important and I would want to go into it with huge enthusiasm and commitment but am seriously having anxiety attacks about it. I have had awful negative feelings ranging from jealousy to resentment which I am finding really difficult to sit with and as I don?t have any friends who are step parents I don?t have anyone to really talk to about it all. I have never been away with my boyfriend on his own and sometimes I feel we have skipped the honeymoon period which I know isn?t the be all and end all but for him his priority is his daughter and I cant feel that way yet and wonder if i ever will. Is that terrible? Am worried that if im feeling this way now ? will it get worse? I?ve tried talking to him about it but I end up feeling horrid as he thinks im making a mountain out of a molehill and that there are lots of positive things about our relationship and that I shouldn?t be worrying about all the issues that could come up. I try to be positive but after reading some of the issues on here I know I have my work cut out! He is supportive that I can still go and travel on my own, but that makes me feel a little sad. I feel stuck and on the edge of a ledge. I cant seem to throw myself into it all and therefore am feeling really guilty when I know that I love them both but cant seem to fully commit. Did anyone else have huge reservations? Did you overcome them? How?

Hi, I found becoming a full time step mum a huge jump - it's been 7 months since they lived with us full time (2 DSDs and i have my own DS). It is very hard work but there are some lovely moments and they do come. The question is - is this what YOU want? I already had a son so it was an easier leap for me to make - I'm not sure I would have done it if I hadn't already been a mum. It does take a while - you will have days where you love your life together and days where you want to walk out - but if you're committed you stay put and work it out. It will be so hard if you aren't fully commited so you need to be sure..

stop feeling bad!!!

Everyone has reservations about things. Theres nothing wrong in thinking it over before you decide. If it was only the 2 of you and no SC to consider you`d still think it over wouldnt you!!!!

Your off to a good start by getting on with his daughter... but it may not stay the same once you move in. You have to prepare yourself for the good and bad as Fooso said. You have no idea how a child will react to you living with her daddy full time.. when she doenst. She may embrace the extra time with you both together or she may resent it..... you just have to deal with things as the come along.

As for your fella!! Men dont tend to think as far ahead as us women! We like to be prepared... men prefere to deal with the here and now. My OH was like that before i moved in with my son last yr. I was unsure and listed off my reasons why... hid reply was that might not happen and your not even here yet are you. Lets just try it. Get on with being together....lol

BUT... as a person with no children yet yourself you are stil ...kinda.. free... and If you want to travel (but this is only my opinion, As i wanted to do the same but got caught with my child before i got the chance) you should GO!

Go now while you still can!!!!!! before you move in, before you get too attached and tied into the whole step-family thing. If you didnt go now ... moved in... and then said in 2yrs time... im off travelling now... He might say well what about us, what about your (step) family. Shouldnt we be going away together?.... youd feel even more guilty then... and not end up going EVER!!

You want do it.?!! Get it out of your system 1st then come back with amazing stories to tell your DSD

Your feelings aren't unusual - and the success of being a step-parent is very closely linked to the way in which your b/f supports you, so it is really important that you have a shared vision of your life together before you embark on it

I have never been away with my boyfriend on his own and sometimes I feel we have skipped the honeymoon period which I know isn?t the be all and end all but for him his priority is his daughter and I cant feel that way yet and wonder if i ever will. Is that terrible? Am worried that if im feeling this way now ? will it get worse?

This did ring warning bells with me: why have you never been away together just the two of you? That sort of time together is important in ALL relationships and marriages where there are DC's; and where parenting is shared between households it should be easier to prioritise, not avoided. If all your DP's holiday entitlement, spare time, and household resource is committed to his daughter, you will begin to resent it over time, and it will get worse, no matter how hard you try, because it is very unlikely that she will ever become as important to you as she is to him. If she has all her Dads time now and he doesn't address that, then as she grows up, she will expect to come first in his life all the time, and resent anyone you who takes his attention away from her.

I would suggest that you read some "honest" books about step-parenting, that don't sugar coat it (Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin is very good) and then sit down with your b/f and discuss the issues before you move in. If he is reluctant to talk about it, or dismisses it saying that you are worrying to much, then I suggest you think very carefully before moving in. Being a step-parent requires a greater than average level of communication between partners to be successful - anything less results in an unhappy household

Sam97 I know exactly how you feel. I moved in with my DP 3 months ago, I have no children of my own also. I love it and it drives me mad at the same time. Sometimes I am so blissful waking up to a noisey household, having breakfast and giggleing with my DSD (she's 3) is the most amazing thing. Truly makes me happy but sometimes I get so down because I just can't take it, I want him to myself. Its not often but it happens. Honestly its the hardest and most wonderful thing all rolled into one. You have to give up so much for this to work, I want DC's so badly but can't for a few years because of the situation, it also means as well as comprimiseing the age I wanted children I also have to comprimise on how I bring them up, I would love to travel with my own children when they are little but now I can't, I can't contradict how DP parents so they will watch tv, eat some rubbish ect because his DD does but in the end I love my (step) family its wonderful and fills me mostly with joy. Tell your DP what you want from life and decide early where comprimises can be made because there will be loads and they will all be yours. Good luck I really really feel for you. I hope it works

Many thanks for your advice. Really appreciate it. I think that is my main concern - the balance of compromising and at the moment i am dwelling on all the compromises i will have to make. My partner doesnt seem to be compromising that much when i look at it on paper! Though i must not be negative and look at all that i will gain too. Its all so complicated and has bought up feelings i never thought i had. I always considered myself to be fair and stable person and am all over the place at the moment and have discovered a truly selfish side of me! So many dynamics to consider! Shall take on board all the advice and do some more reading and thinking before i make a decision. Thanks x