Inflexible ex with teenage DSC and visiting us? WWYD?

[taxiforme]

Hi

Three DSC - DSD 16.5 DSD 14.5 DSS 11.5. So, teenagers. They live with DH's exW.

They have agreed visits twice a week. One weekday night until school then Saturday from 6pm til 7pm on Sunday. DH and ex spilt up for six years, I have been with DH four years, no other kids involved (I have none and her DP none either). All is very civil.

Problem is, though..the kids are only "allowed" to come and see us or spend time with us when it is "our" designated time as noted above- there is very little "give" in the system for DH exW and the kids can't pop into see us unless it is with her blessing and on her terms. We find it hard given the ages of the kids. To put it into context..

1. My eldest DSD is sixteen and a half FFS. She is not "allowed" to come up the road to see us when she feels like it.
2. We live five minutes walk from their house in a village that they were brought up in and they know most people in the village.
3. It's on a quiet, well lit road.
4. they are good kids and responsible- ie they would let one of us (ie me, mum dad stepdad ect) know where they are. They would ask first before pitching up on the doorstep (even if they did this is as much their home).

An example is on Sat afternoon my 14YO DSD is bored, so texts my DH who suggests she comes to Tescos with us for an hour. We pick her up to be met with the ex telling DSD (but not us) "mum says that this is the last time this will happen as it's her time". Her sister asks to come up to revise (as it's quiet here). "Mum says no". My 11 YO DSS asks to come up to watch a footy match on sky.."no".

I really feel that in doing this she is infantalising the kids. They don't need a ffing "routine" now, surely? She is also reinforcing that mum and dad are split up with the concept of "my time". There comes a point when a 16.5 year old can say to her mum that she is going up to dad's or popping in on the way back from school or staying over cos she damn well feels like it.. no matter whose "time" it is, surely?

Exw is ok, very strict and a bit neurotic. She is a classic passive aggressive and rarely says anything except to the kids who are terrified of her IMHO and of being late on a Sunday night. I suspect (no..I know) it is about control, but this is not good for the kids. I know that this is something that my DH needs to address rather than me, of course.

Has anyone else encountered this? Does anyone feel it is justified? I am a non parent but remember being 16..err.. and I was pretty self sufficient. What strategy can I give my OH? He wants to sort it.

I have just read this back, it sounds as if I am making it up, it is so bonkers..or am I just being too er....involved?

What does the exW do about boyfriends etc? At 16 it is the DDs decision where she lives. I do think this sounds a bit odd, but you probably would do best not to get involved.

TBH I find it very weird to have such a strict rota at that age apart for the preteen, obviously.

The kids should be able to come and go between the houses at they please I would have thought. It seems like a normal transition into young adulthood.

She sounds like she can't let go and doesn't see they are becoming more and more independant.

i find it hard to believe a 16 does whatever mum says.

legally, she can get married, have her own house,her own kids if she wants- yet she has to ask her mum if she can go to her dads house?

not really much you can do, but i think your DH needs to have a word with his ex about loosening the apron strings a bit. it's not fair on the kids.

I find it all hard to believe..!! I have trodden carefully for the past 4 years, but I think it is beyond a joke now, as does my DH. She even said the other day that she didn't want "XXeldestDSD" to go away to university!! Dare I say that she is a SAHM..?

...and as for a boyfriend..the 16 or 14 year old has never had one. Probably because they are being kept at home like snow white in a glass coffin.

This is turning into my rant against the exW. Which I didnt want to do..I think maybe the best thing would be to get my OH to see how controlling she is and try and re negotiate the "schedule". I want my saturday nights back, too!!

Oh, I think you will find this a common theme on the step parenting thread. As you rightly said this about control and the mum is used to be the gate keeper for all access and won't recognise that her DCs are at an age when they can make their own decisions.

I'm not sure your DP can do anything as the mum will just resist further. We have this situation and the mum would rather DSS was unhappy than "allow" DH extra time.

All that can be done is encourage the DCs to speak to their mum and hope that she eventually realises that the only one she is hurting is the children.

Has the 16.5 year old ever stood up to her mum? Could you talk her through how she might propose a change? i.e Mum I don't think I understand why I can see dad, what are the reasons for saying No? there maybe genuine reasons, like you haven't done your h/w but it would be worth encouraging the older dcs to start a dialogue and not accept the no.

Is there a court order in place and would the ex lose finanically if the DCs spent more nights with you (sadly that is often a motivation)

I really did think that Allnewtaketwo and I were the only posters who have a strict access rota for teenagers! My DSS is 17, and we still have exactly the same rota in place, that was started when he was 10. Madness.

We get this too. Although in my case I'm quite glad of the rota as "flexibility" would mean my dp and I had the kids every day and every night.

My dsc get frightened to do the most sensible thing so we end up doing the most insane running around to keep to the rota.

Petal regularly lets off steam on here about this.

I think some pwc get used to the routine and learn to live their life around it, not realising that it doesn't suit the children anymore.

OH My God you are me!

I have a similar situation whereby DSS1 (16) and DSS (12) come here lick clockwork for the hours stipulated by the judge 10 years ago. Their mother will not allow otherwise and the 'children' lack the inclination/thought/will/bravery/ to think otherwise.

So they come like clockwork and sit in the house bored asking dad "what are we doing next" until they are on tenterhooks until they get left home on the dot at 6.0 on the Sunday.

It is a very strange existence to live indeed. I sympathise.

I asked DH tonight (I am disappearing this weekend, as I often do!), if he find the 'access' weekends difficult. He admitted that he does, but would not elaborate.

These children all live a shadow of a life.

we have the same, sadly. Exw likes to control when eldest (17 year old!) can visit us. Like you, we are a five minute walk away!! youngest SC actually lives with us. She will ask him to come over and he goes. They are both scared of her. We ask oldest SC to come over for tea during the week, he says yes he'd love to, then on the day we get a "mum says I have to do [x], so I cant make it". It's all about control.
We've hinted that it's sad. if he were going to see a friend it wouldn't be an issue. It's because he's coming to see his dad (and stepmum). She cant bear it.
i hope for you, and for us, they will get bored of playing the game after a while. We no longer react. it makes it worse.

Hi, I`ve just read your thread taxiforme !!

I cant really comment regarding your situation as my kid and SD are only very young (5 and 6) compared to yours...... but it scares me !!

To think ... you are 10yrs (in child ages) in front of me and still having "issues" whether it be the kids or their respective parents. How does a step-parent manage!???

Stress levels and blood pressure must be through the roof!! lol

Anyone at 16 has their own mind. Surely to god they can walk 200 yards on their own esp to go see their dad. How mean is that.!

It bugs me when my sons dad asks for an extra tea time or n extra week to take him on holiday, but thats only cos i hate his dad with a passion!!! I grind my teeth but i know my son loves to see him and only for my son do i say yes he can go.

At the end of the day the kids are big enough to make their own minds up... and what she is doing will only make them start to resent her. Theyll get fed up of it and one day be saying.. Ya know what i dont care what you say im off to see my dad. Surley its just a certain way to lose the respect of your kids?

..... Lets face it she might want them now in her time but she`ll probably be moaning when the kids are 30yr old and all still living at home and she wants some space !!!!

My DDs are 11 and 15 and they can go to their dad's whenever they want. He lives an hour away so not as easy for them to pop in but I'm happy for them to go whenever they want to as long any other commitments are considered ( like school :o ) Usually the DDs organise it themselves with my ex or his wife.

Personally I think that contact arrangements need to be looked at every year or two. A lot changes once children become more independent and IMO contact should be more flexible from about the age of 10 or 11.

Would have thought you'd be best to encourage the DSC to raise the issue themsevles with their mother. To do so for them rather undermines the case that they are becoming old enough to decide things for themselves. And make sure that the flexibility goes both ways - so they know you are OK about them seeing their mum at times when they're normally with you as well as vice versa.

My DP's eldest is 14.5 and although she kind of follows their rota along with her younger sibs, she frequently alters things and decides for herself which house it suits her to be at - mostly it depends who live nearest to the party she wants to go to . Both DP and his ex are fine about this, so it certainly is possible to move to a more flexible system as they get older, even if there are younger ones involved too who still need to be looked after a bit more.

(though it does require pretty good communication between the parents we've been finding - to avoid exploitation when both DP and his ex think she's at the other's house and actually she's somewhere else entirely.....)