This is really rubbing it in for me....

[theredhen]

Most of you are well aware of my ongoing issues with my OH, his ex and their 4 kids.

Things have been OK, probably simply because I am getting used to things and accepting things and finding my own coping mechanisms. I am also biting my tongue less and speaking my mind more. His ex is also being nicely consistent and I am not getting any extra contact with his kids as a pleasant unpleasant surprise.

Anyway, my sons father has recently announced that at 54 years old he is to become a father for the 6th time. He has never been a great father to our son (his 5th child) but he hasn't been awful either and I have clung onto the positive and tried to push aside the negatives and got on with him for the sake of our son.

I spent 12 years with him and because I was only 16 when we first together, did a lot of learning and growing up with him. I have lots of fond and happy memories of our life together. Ultimately when our son came along, I realised that we were not going to last and I made the decision to end our marriage. I have never, and still don't, regret that decision. I also made the decision not to have another child with him before we broke up and we split when our son was 4 years old.

He has been with his partner for nearly 2 years and I like her and so does my son. She lives 1.5 hours away and I presume he will now be living with her full time. Contact with our son is sporadic and I fear it will now become non existent. .

I feel overwhelmed with negative emotions and feel like I am grieving. What is ironic is that I know I would not feel any upset at all , if he had announced he is getting married, it's the realisation that he is having another child while I am struggling looking after someone elses family whilst putting my own family "on hold" probably forever.

When I was on my own with my son, I was quite accepting of not having another child, now the body clock is ticking and DP and I can't have another child (he has the snip) and I wouldn't want to bring another child into our situation anyway as I am barely coping at the best of times.

I just feel so, so sad and can't seem to shake it off. When I talk to DP about how I feel, he just keeps trying to sympathise by saying how ironic it is how he wants to see his kids and my ex doesn't want to see my son. He just talks about how bad is ex is to him and always manages to turn the conversation around to him, his kids and his ex. I told him just once, I am having a crisis and I don't want to talk about his problems for just one day!

He talked yesterday of how he wants to spend his weekends in the future with his grown up kids and won't it be great? All I can think is I want my son to grow into a happy, independent young man who makes his own independent life and we can catch up now and again. DP wants his grown up kids around ALL the time. He never talks about plans just for the two of us!

I don't know what I am asking for but thought I might feel better for putting this into words.

Big hugs red I feel like this sometimes (I dont have my own DC though)

It can just get you down sometimes.

Very natural Im sure to feel like you do about your ExP if only for your DS sake, maybe deep down its tapped into someting you have been trying to ignore?

Its midweek have a

Thanks for the reply.

I think it's just reminding me big time how I have to be there for everyone else but who really cares about my ds and me?

I know that sounds terribly self pitying but it kind of sums up what I'm feeling right now.

I dont think its self pitying just a very normal reaction, god I found out my 1st love from when I was 19 had a baby a few months back and I went all funny (I havn't seen him for years ha!)

Men are a nightmare to talk to especially when they have their own situations or are uncomfortable about talking about the subject (your ex, babies etc) my DP does not have a filter system and will just go on and on without any regards to how I wil react to what he is telling me! Men ha! Love him to bits but please someone tell me how to fit him with a filter :-)

Make some time maybe for you and you DS go and have a giggle, you deserve to smile :-) x

Hugs for you - we're here to listen - in your OH defence and as per Mars/Venus - men want to fix things, and he can't fix this!

In his clumsy way, he probably thinks that the thought of having his kids around when they grow up is comforting for you - you are mourning the fact that you won't have a larger family yourself, so he is trying to compensate for that by offering up his for you to share

I understand that finding this out can sideswipe you a bit - although I've still not been "told" that my ex is going to be Dad again, I'm pretty sure, and I have wobbled about it - even though I refused ot have more DC's with him, know he wants more, know his fiancee wants children and he's not as mature in years as your ex, so all in all, it shouldn't be a surprise to me. It's one of those things that creeps up on you unexpectedly.

Take time to grieve and wallow in self-pity if you need to you need that time for yourself to come to terms with another aspect of the reality that is your life right now or

Suspect that your DSC may have a different vision of their futures than hanging round with their dad every weekend

sorry to hear you're feeling down. fwiw I don't think it's self-pitying all all, and I think I can identify with how you're feeling.

In your home you frequently are, and feel, pretty out-numbered. Your little 'unit' with DS seems to somehow take a 2nd seat to the numerous dramas your DH has with his 4. And just as you feel you can learn to deal with keeping it on an even keel, something unexpected comes up and knocks you off-balance. You feel as if this further somehow denegrates the position of DS further almost 'down the pecking order'. I can understand how you feel.

BUT I imagine you have a very strong bond with your DS and that is a lovely gift to give him. The relationship you have with him is paramount, and you do and should continue to prioritise this.

And as for your DH having them all round more with me when they're older, also from me. Hopefully they will be busy living their own lives as they should be.

allnew - you have pretty much summed up exactly what I am feeling. I hadn't even been able to work it out for myself.

It is just something else that highlights that DS are just fitting in with everyone on both sides and no-one is prioritising our needs!

Everyones mind will be on the new baby, DP's and his ex will continue to fight and argue and ensure that their children are high, high on the priority list and DS and I will just float about on the bottom somewhere.

When DS and I lived alone, it was easy to be top of the heap, there was no-one to compete with, now that has changed in every direction. Perhaps I clung to the stability (if unreliable) that was on his Fathers side and now, even that has gone.

I have actually booked up 3 short trips for DS and I to do without DP and DSC and that in itself has helped me to feel better - something positive to look forward to.

I do have a real fear that DSC will not spread their wings very far (DP and his family are all still living in the same road!) and that his children will be priority forever more. There is this sense of panic in me that I am still young enough to get out, and try and find a man who I can have another child with and not have all this to deal with forever more. I do love DP but thinking about the future and his kids being around day in day out whilst sacrificing having more children of my own is an uncomfortable feeling to have.

Redhen - consider very carefully about staying and accepting the situation
or leaving & possibly having another child while you still can, because by just carrying on as you are, you are in fact making that decision. From your postings it seems you are giving much more than you and your ds are receiving. I would not be happy unless my dp gave as much time/energy to my ds as to his own and anything else would be unacceptable.

Yes, that's the trouble with just sitting around hoping that things will get better / easier. The clock is ticking - I am nearly 38 years old. I am terrible for just sitting around and hoping things get better - not just in this situation but in lots of ways, it is definitely a fault of mine.

When DP says things like he did the other day about having his kids around every weekend in the future, it really makes me want to run away screaming!

DP would say he spends more time with DS, but the reality is that DS is in the same house as him more often than his own kids, but the time spent isn't quality time together. They never seek each other out to spend time together. The only time they do spend time together is if they are both spending time with me. Because of the fact that DP has 4 kids who all need ferrying around - I actually spend more time with his DC alone than he does with my DS alone, even though DS lives with us full time and his kids don't.

DP son doesn't want to come to us on the contact time during the week, DSS won't really tell us why but is adamant he doesn't want to come. The first thing DP asks him is if he is jealous of my DS.

It is totally understandable to feel this way and I'm sure I would. My DP has had the snip too and although I am probably too old now to have any more I feel gutted that the choice has been taken away from me, but like your situation another child in the mix would cause chaos here! I would be gutted if my dc's dad had another baby too. I don't want him back at all but I like the fact that the boys are his only dc and the number one priority for us both.
As for having the dc round you all the time where they are adults - this is my DPs biggest wish and my worst nightmare too. The only thing keeping me going at times is the fact that one day we will have our own lives and not have to live around his poxy bloody court order!!!
dancing freckles - I need one of those filters too!!

theredhen I really feel for you. Before I had DS I used to feel so alienated in my own home. It is only now that the numbers are even slighted more even that I feel like it's 'my home' on 'access' weekends.

I think you are absolutely right to arrange things for you and DS to do alone. This too is my coping mechanism (going away tomorrow - yippee!).

I have often pondered what would be best for you - it would be presumptious and arrogant for me as a relative stranger to advise you, but I absolutely don't know how you cope, I've got to say. I don't think anyone on here would blame you if you decided to quit and move forward without DH and the DSCs.

Very unmumsnetty hugs from me as I know it's not as straightforward as this.

Hi

I feel the same sometimes Red. Sort of, anyway.

I have no BC and my DH had the snip before I met him (oh yes, exW got that sorted..only her kids would be "the ones") But I knew this when I married him.

I think I feel like you do (aside from the situation with your ex and the new baby). Sometimes I feel very sidelined and that my needs are overridden. It must be doubly hard with your DS and that from both sides you seem to have oh dear red will "just have to get on with it".

I am also in the situation of living in the ex MH. In the house that the kids were born and brought up in...yes... that his exW used to live in.. This post is not about me but about red but you can imagine what this does to my mojo. We are there because of his kids..despite the fact that my DH knows I hate it.

All I can offer is that it is very complex situation and involves lots of conflicting emotions. I have a very good relationship with my DSC though.

You are going through a grieving process too.

I can only say that it has helped me to try and understand that DH's kids didn't want this to happen, it's not their fault and in fact (as per my other post) we want to have them on a more relaxed basis and likely will end up having them more. I have tried to remain in control of things that I CAN control (holidays..my effing choice where we go..) and keeping me time (there must be a mass MN exodus this week- I am off).

Hope today sees you a bit happier!