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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Another weekend dictated by the ex......

12 replies

sweetestchilli · 19/02/2012 03:12

Dh has passed out on our bed (with help from my DS 16), we were planning a night out, just the two of us....but as usual 'our' weekend revolved around everyone else! YES I knew he had 4 kids from 2 past relationships (one marriage) when I met and married him, I just kind of thought.....maybe wrongly, that occasionally we would have some time alone? we've been married 8 months. His XW,(the Mother of his eldest two) who I get on really well with, is not a problem. But his XG (not sure if thats the right way to put it) the mother of his two youngest has always controlled him! when they were together she was a control freak, so far as to tell him his older kids were vermin!!!! I struggle to understand why he still feels the need to keep her happy!!! (why would anyone stay with someone who calls their kids vermin??) Even now we're married and I put myself out for all the kids, I want the best for all of them, he still feels the need to keep 'her' (his xg) happy!! It's killing me :(

OP posts:

mybrainsthinkingfuckyouagain · 19/02/2012 03:24

Original poster

sweetestchilli · 19/02/2012 03:24

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetestchilli · 19/02/2012 03:30

I admire the fact that ur still awake mybrain

OP posts:

mybrainsthinkingfuckyouagain · 19/02/2012 03:52

Am breastfeeding.
Bumping this - maybe another sm will have more empathy.
but as you say, you knew he had four kids when you got together.
They need weekend access. All of them.
Potentially (or preferably even) separately - one set of siblings one weekend. Second set next weekend. Quality time with their dad esp if one mum is toxic.
He didn't stay with her.
You need to be the better person and suck it up til they're 18 or have own social life whichever comes sooner.
Sorry.

savoycabbage · 19/02/2012 04:06

So would you like him to not see his younger children as their mother is a horror? I wouldn't want to be married to a man who was a shit father.

I don't get much time at all with my dh without our children if that makes you feel any better. We go out once a year. Literally.

brdgrl · 19/02/2012 10:01

savoy, i'm sure you wouldn't. presumably you wouldn't want to be married to a man who is a shit partner either. (not calling your DP a shit partner, sweetest! - but i think you have a valid concern here and i'm don't think you've said that your DH needs to stop seeing his kids or anything like that.) on the other hand, your OP doesn't have a lot of information in it, so can i ask you - how old are the kids? when are they there - all together, or separately? And you have a DS as well? since you had plans to go out last evening, that sounds as though the kids weren't there? is the problem that your DH was worn out by the weekend, or did something else happen? i guess i am asking because it is not clear from your post how the ex messed up the plans.

we have a baby DD too, and we have no family nearby, and very little money for babysitters - so (quite apart from any stepkid issues, even!) i know well the frustration of a tired DH and i know very well how hard it is on the relationship when you do not get enough time as a couple. it has to be a priority or it will not happen, in my experience. if your DH is letting you down in this area, he needs to sort it out. Are your expectations realistic?

DH and i have been married just over a year. i am a stepmother, but there is no ex to contend with and the kids live with us all the time. ours are teenagers, though, so while they still require work and attention, they are a bit more self-sufficient than younger kids would be. so all together we have three kids living here, including a baby, and i still would not be happy with my DH if our relationship took a back seat all the time, or if we had no child-free time whatsoever. If we only went out once a year, that would not be acceptable to me, for instance!

catsmother · 19/02/2012 11:52

Hold on .... where exactly did Sweetest say her DP should stop seeing any of his kids ? She simply said she'd hoped for some time alone occasionally. Which is hardly a crime.

As Brdgrl has asked it would be helpful to know more about her particular circumstances so people can give better informed advice - and support/sympathy ! Finding time alone can be very hard for many parents - step or not ... but it's obviously complicated further when you're balancing the logistics of more than one household, and particularly if you're also having to deal with an awkward, non-co-operative ex as well (speaking from personal experience).

savoycabbage · 19/02/2012 12:05

Sorry Chilli. I just meant that at least your dh is prioritizing the dc, which is a good thing in a man I think. There are a lot of men who don't give a hoot about children from previous relationships.

rosie1977 · 19/02/2012 12:10

Is there nothing legal or in writing about the contact he gets with the youngest 2 DC. That would be something I would seek to get.
Maybe the husband is obliging because of the fear the 2 youngest DC will have contact withdrawn.

Original poster

sweetestchilli · 19/02/2012 14:21

Dh is a fantastic Dad. I love him so much for that. I would never ask him not to see his kids. We had all 4 for Christmas, DH arranged to meet both Mum's at a set time and place so we could all enjoy a nice Christmas evening together (they were with their Mum's for dinner/present opening) Mum of his eldest two was there, the other one didn't show up and when he called her she was at home getting drunk! He was gone for over 4 hours in the end because he had to go and pick the youngest two up meaning his eldest two having to wait for their presents from us. His 'XG' is spiteful and turns everything around to her way, she plays him because she knows she can, even if it means his eldest two have to suffer again. The kids are 13, 11, 7 and 5. He is concerned she will stop him seeing the kids and for that reason I have said maybe he does need to do the legal access, its all personal arrangements at the moment.
Our weekend was ruined because he arranged to drop the kids off after having them for two days at a specific time, meaning we would be home in time to do something together and she chose to be late getting home.
DH is not entirely happy with me having my own time as he wants us to spend our free time together. Our free time is always spent with his DC. I probably am being a moany cow so I should probably just 'suck it up' and get on with it. It's just hard sometimes....

OP posts:

purpleroses · 19/02/2012 22:38

Aw - I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset - if she'd arranged to have them droped back at a specific time, she should be there, unless something really urgent came up.

Don't quite know why your DH isn't happy about you having any time alone. If you want to spend a large part of your free time with him and the DCs, that should be suffient - no reason why you shouldn't give yourself a bit of a breather sometimes, especially if your DH is getting messed around by someone you never chose to have a relationship with. Or maybe you could sometimes do somethign with the older ones if he's getting messed around picking up the little ones some of the time?

If you DH is pandering to his ex because he fears she won't let him see the DCs, then maybe he would be best to get it onto a more legal footing. The more formal things are, the less scope for messing around too.

kaluki · 21/02/2012 12:02

"DH is not entirely happy with me having my own time as he wants us to spend our free time together. Our free time is always spent with his DC. I probably am being a moany cow so I should probably just 'suck it up' and get on with it. It's just hard sometimes"

That's a bit unfair isn't it? Why shouldn't you have some free time?
I don't think you are being a moany cow at all.
This ex sounds like a nightmare and he should stop pandering to her whims and get a formal contact agreement in place.

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