Who should have biggest bedroom SD or DD?

[idoru]

DD is 7 months and ready to move from our bedroom into her own room. Originally I thought she's only a little baby she only needs a little room and agreed with DP that DD would go in the tiny bedroom which previously was SD's room. SD(12) has been in the big bedroom for the last 5 months since the SSs(18) stopped staying over regularly. We also have a loft room which has a spare double bed in case the SSs or guests stay over but it can be very cold in winter and hot in summer up there. SD stays with us 2 nights a week.

I've just been thinking that practically it would be nice to have DD in the larger room so she has some floor space where I can do nappy changes, get her dressed, play on the floor etc. Also the tiny bedroom is right next to our bedroom so I think if DD cries in the night it would still disturb DP. I tried suggesting to DP that DD have the big room but he saw it as pushing SD out. Don't think I phrased it very well or it was bad timing. We decorated the little room for SD 18 months ago and it would get redone if we move DD in to it. I always envisaged we would move DD into the bigger room when she was 2/3 anyway so she'd have more room for her toys etc.

Do you think the older kid who stays 2 days a week should have a bigger room than the baby who lives with us 24/7? Thanks for any opinions/advice. x

The loft room could be used as a teenage room, so she knows the plan in advance and it's seen as growing up rather than moving back.

We thought about this when we moved house (at the time DS was 2). We ended up putting him in the biggest room. Small children tend to have lots or large toys compared to older children, and you simply need somewhere to put them all. Not only that, but putting him in the small room would have meant that we had a very large empty bedroom for 85% of the time.

I have to disagree about young children not wanting to play in their rooms - DS now 3 absolutely loves playing in his bedroom. We wouldn't be able to do this if he had the smaller room. Also all of his toys would have to be downstairs which wouldn't be great

The baby should have the big room.

We were going to put our 3yo DS in the small single room but after 18yo DD stayed in the room temporarily she loved it in there, at the side of the house in a shadow in the mornings (really good for lie ins!) so we redecorated it in her style.

It has turned out for the best. DS has a bigger room so we have a spare single bed in there for me to escape from DH's snoring attend to DS when he wakes up screaming in the night.

DD is now at uni and her lovely room is perfect for her to come home to during the holidays.

She has not been pushed out or her big room in favour of DS, she has her own private space here, that is something not everyone has and she appreciates that.

I don't think it is right or fair to shift DSD in favour of the baby.

Presumably though 12yo DSD understands that she has 2 bedrooms whereas DD only has 1?

What does DSD (12) actually have that needs a big room to store in?

My situation is different to you OP because I have 3 DDs, no step DC but I think that you're right. When I moved last year I gave DD3 the biggest bedroom and put most of her toys in there with the idea that she would play in there, therefore giving DDs 1&2 a break from her pestering them all the time.

I let DDs 1&2 choose how to decorate their rooms and got them TVs as a bribe. It's worked really well and DD3 does play in her room which means that that other 2 get some peace and quiet.

I also agree that it's madness to have a large room that is only used 2 nights a week. Sorting out the loft seems like a good compromise though.

It's a good idea to think about what you would do if both DDs were yours, e.g. if you had a DD at uni who only used the room in the holidays then would you let her keep her big room or let your baby DD have it?

We have three kids living here fulltime, with two large rooms and a tiny box room. DD is 20 months and in the box room, and it really is hard not having more space for her to play. When SD goes to uni in a couple of years, and is only coming home on (some) weekends, we plan to give that large room to DD. We will definitely not keep a 4 year-old in that tiny room so that a child over 18 can have a room waiting for her when she has a primary residence elsewhere. SD may not be thrilled about it, but I think she sees that it is the fair thing. Obviously, though, that is very different to your situation, where your SD is still a child herself! Personally, I would not have the bigger room used by a child who was there part-time, but since you already have an existing situation, I can see how it would feel very hard on SD to change it.

I think a toddler does need a bit of space, especially if (like us!) you don't have a suitable room for her to spread out in otherwise, or don't want to colonise every room in the house with toddler gear!

I think the suggestion to 'groom' SD for a future change is a good one. Let her know that by the time DD is, say, three, that you will be making the switch.

Alternatively - what about the possibility of offering SD two rooms, in effect? The small room as a bedroom and her main space, and the loft as a 'hang out' space, knowing it will be used as a spare room for others when needed? You could put some cushions up there, something to play music, make it a cool space for her and her friends. I would have loved that, myself.

Thanks again for all the suggestions everyone.

The idea of offering the loft room to SD sounds like a good one to me. She has fancied having the loft room in the past so I don't think she would feel too put out if we moved her up there. The double bed would need to stay in the loft room and I know she would like to have that. The SSs stay so rarely that I don't think we need to worry about keeping that space for them to use. We can't improve the insulation in the loft room unfortunately but we already have a heater and fan that can be used up there. I'm gonna make the suggestion to DP first then hopefully SD and we'll see how it goes...

Good luck :)

Just remember, you are the adults and you decide how the space needs to be used. There's no point in having a large room generally unused and squeezing stuff into a small room, it's just daft.

My DPs experience of giving his DD the loft room was not positive - although it was coupled with active alienation by her mum, so may not be relevant in your case.

DsD basically shut herself off from the household in her room when she visited - she was isolated from the sights/sounds of the household and spent hours watching TV and ( as we now know) texting her mum who reinforced that DSD should hideout until she could go home again.
DP swapped bedrooms with DsD - which she admitted helped her feel more a part of the family - sadly, her mums influence was too strong though and she's not visited for over a year
We are now converting her room to an home office.

Hi,

Sorry if i'm repeating other posters but I haven't had time to read all the posts!

Ur OP sounds exactly the same as our situation except we don't have a loft room! my DH and I have a 9 month old DD and my DH has a DS 12 that stays with us EOW.

Originally before DD was born DSS had the Bigger bedroom but he'd only been in there a few months (as we'd moved to a 3 BH so that he could continue to have his own room). However as he only stays 2 nights EOW it seemed silly when it came to DD going into her own room for him to have such a big room that wasn't used very often especially as DSS only really plays PS and sleeps in there he doesn't 'play'.

Anyway I suggest that DD should have the bigger room (this was before she had been born as we were going to start decorating and I new it would take some persuasion) as baby toys tend to be much larger and she lives with us FT plus when she does get a bit older and needs the bigger room for floor space there would probably be more upheaval once DSS was settled in there. I had the whole ur pushing him out and massive row etc etc but I stuck to what I thought would be the fairest descision with regards to how the space would be most benefited from and as soon as DD was born my DH came round to the idea as he realised what I meant about the room not generally being used.

We moved DSS into the smaller room and decorated it and he's got his tv and playstation in there and he gets on fine, I think if we had kept him in the bigger room and squashed all DD's toys into the smaller room(ballpit walker etc etc u wouldn't be able to move) I'd feel resentful for having to struggle daily when 12 nights out of 14 it wouldn't have been being used!

I'd suggest the loft room to your SD but if not I would recommed you stick to how u feel the space would be put to best use.

Sorry that ended up being long!

I don't think it's fair to kick an older child out of a room they've just "graduated" to in favour of a baby.

Maybe you would like the space, but I think that's tough shit. You have the house you have, and the oldest children have always had the biggest room.

For a newly created middle child to be dumped out of the big room she got after her brothers moved out in favour of a new baby strikes me as really mean.

I would offer her the loft room in a few years when your baby is older and she's had a reasonable stretch where she is.

There's no way to move her now without her realising (correctly) that she's being pushed out in favour of the baby.

I don't think agree with posters that older children who are only at home for a couple of nights a week and have their own bedroom at their other parent's house have any kind of automatic right to monopolise a large bedroom.

I think you should assure her that she's not being pushed out and gently remind her that she has 2 bedrooms for all her things to go into and your DD only has 1 bedroom for her things or in my DSS's case he has 3 bedrooms and my DD has 1!

Christ one of my friends lives in a 1 bedroom flat with her DP and she has 2 skids that stay every weekend they sleep on the sofas they don't even have a bedroom!

I also put the point across to my DH that we plan to have maybe have another baby next year and that child could then share with our DD while they are young and then DSS doesn't have to move rooms again. If DSS kept having to move rooms I think that would be worse let alone what it would cost us in paint to have to keep swapping the colour of the rooms! :)

It's purely about space and i'm sure when our Skids are older they will realise that!

For me the thing this really hinges on is that it's only five months since you asked her if she wanted the big room, she said yes please, and you moved her into it.

To now change your mind and unilaterally decide to "downgrade" her back to the small bedroom strikes me as something that will likely make SD feel very unwelcome.

You made a mistake in offering SD the big room but that's what you did and so I think that, for the sake of family harmony, you'll have to live with the consequences of that for a while.

By the way, when you offered the big room to SD did you explain to SD or DP that you intended to move DD into that room in a few years time?

Assuring her that she's not being pushed out while you push her out is meaningless, she's (presumably) not stupid.

She was given that room only a few months ago(agree with Snorbs). You can't just change your mind about things like that without consequences.

In a few years it will be easy to argue that she's had a fair turn of that room, and that the small child needs a big room now, but isn't mature enough for the loft.

But if you do it now she will understand (correctly) that she is deemed less important than the new baby because she isn't there all the time.

Is that really the message you want to give to a little girl with a new sibling and whose brothers have recently moved on?

It sounds like a pretty delicate time for her.

I don't think it hurts to tell DCs that 'we' as adults have made a mistake, and to apologise for it - but then to correct that mistake and to accept the consequences.
It is a good example to set DCs (apologising when you've got something wrong) and good life experience for them.

There will be consequences though - and DSD behaviour will be influenced by the adults around her, so if your DH feels guilty, then DSD will play on that, for instance, and if DSD mum promotes DSD as a victim, that is how DSD will behave.

Your DSD is not entitled to a big bedroom, or even her own bedroom, in either home - if she behaves as if she is, then she is a product of her parenting up until now

It just gets ridiculous you are the adult and you and ur DH pay the mortgage/rent. Like NADM said why should any child expect to have the biggest bedroom? aslong as they have a bedroom to sleep in and a bed to sleep on and somewhere to keep their things surely thats enough?

It comes down to how you and ur DP feel the space would be best used and if you feel you would benefit from it better so that you can change your DD in it and keep all her large toys which take up far more space than cd's dvds etc then ultimately it's down to you.

I don't think any child should expect to have the biggest bedroom. But I do think if a child has been offered a particular bedroom, has accepted that offer and then moved all her stuff into it, then it's reasonable for that child to expect to still be in that same bedroom a mere six months later.

It's not like the baby girl suddenly appeared with no warning.

She was told she could have the big room, that's why she expects to stay in it.

She's 12, expecting her to understand that adults are capricious and go back on their promises is not a great life lesson, or one she is likely to take well.

And trying to blame her mother for the hurt inflicted on her by inconsistent parenting at her Dad's house really is the worst kind of manipulative shite, NotA.

But adults make mistakes, snorbs - and there is no shame in admitting it, even to DCs.

I'm not blaming her mum - I'm just sharing my experience of how different positions in different households can impact on the DCs

If my ex changed a decision relating to my DD, I'd reinforce his position to my DD whether or not I agreed with it. Not all do, and it gives the DCs mixed messages and causes insecurity.
Similarly, if the DCs dad feels guilty and tries to make it up - the DCs suffer.

Ok, but in this case we have one adult (the OP) believing that it was a mistake and the other (her DP) not.

Ok, but in this case we have one adult (the OP) believing that it was a mistake and the other (her DP) not.

....Ah, I'd missed/forgotten that in the OP

Until the adults agree, the "rights and wrongs" of the issue are immaterial

Ive scanned over what your problem is and think that your child should have the bigger room as SD only stays 2 nights a week and the smaller room is kitted out for her already. If you are planning on staying in this house for a long period of time then your child will grow into the space-if you see what i meen :s