Very angry 5 year stepdaughter - Advice hugely appreciated

[MrsInaPickle]

Hello All,

I really am very lucky in that my DH has always been very supportive (mainly!) of me as stepmother to his DD who was 1 1/2 when I became her stepmother and now his ex is pretty good to deal with so all is fine on that front.

What is not fine is that I find my SD totally exhausting and she is hugely disruptive to our home. She is now 5, I have known her for nearly 4 years and our relationship used to be pretty good but she is getting more and more uncontrollable and difficult to be around.

She spends 2 nights a week with us and half of half term, the odd long weekend, a week on holiday with us over the summer etc.

MY SD is like a whirlwind - she does everything at high speed and maximum strength, doors are flung open and slammed, items are snatched out of hands, she talks constantly and never sits still (unless she is watching television when she goes into a kind of trance and you have to turn it off or stand between her and the television to get any response from her). Her speaking voice is very loud and everyone is constantly telling her to slow down, calm down and 'turn the volume down'. She still has tantrums - but controlled ones, used when she is told 'no' or asked to do or not to do something. She expects to be included in all conversations and has a tantrum if she is told that it is an adult conversation - although if it is with an adult she doesn't know well that you are talking to she will just keep interrupting and hanging off you, pulling your arm or coat until she gets your attention. She won't play with other children unless they are playing what she wants to. Her teacher told her Father at the last parent day that 'she is more like a classroom assistant' which I thought was a bit worrying - does this mean that she doesn't play with the other children? She pays no attention to requests to do something - you have to ask five times, each time getting increasingly cross until you end up shouting which I hate. She attacked her cousin 6 months ago for not playing what she wanted to play (and I mean attacked - biting, kicking etc.). Our butcher had to have a word with my husband because she was repeatedly hitting his twin sons at school who are 10 and were getting upset because although she thought it was funny it actually hurt and they obviously couldn't hit her back as she was just a little girl.

There seems to be such a fine line between making her feel loved and part of our family and spoiling her. To be honest her behaviour is that of one very spoiled brat and I am finding myself being less and less patient and more and more cross and snappy with her which is obviously not helping.

I am sure some of this is attention seeking as while she has always been pretty full on I think it is has got increasingly worse after the birth of my own daughter 2 years ago. I try to be VERY careful not to show any favouritism as does my husband but my SD is constantly trying to exclude my DD from activities and says things like 'her present will be for both of us won't it' about birthday presents and I will explain that it will be DD's but I'm sure she will share, just like you share your birthday toys with her etc. But it just doesn't seem to sink in and when I produced a smarty birthday cake (not great at home baking!) SD grabbed all the smarties off the top as soon as the candles were out and said they should be hers as DD was too small to eat chocolate and she then had a tantrum(and when I say tantrum I mean a full on lie on the floor screaming and kicking and yelling 'I hate you' tantrum. when told that that wasn't very nice. Having said all this her relationship with my daughter is really very good - they have what I would call pretty ordinary sibling spats over things but otherwise they get on well.

But her behaviour isn't just our household - her Mother has called us up in tears because SD has kicked her or bitten her and she has had to physically restrain her and lock her in her room where she has pretty much kicked the door off the hinges.

I find her exhausting and I am very worried that we are doing something fundamentally very wrong - does anyone have any advice at all?

Hi, this sounds exhausting! yes, you are right to be worried, this is a problem and not normal.

I think it sounds like a very positive thing that her mum has rung your household about this issue. I would suggest your DP and Mum (with you too if that works for your set up) get together and work out what the heck to do.

She is five, so if this is tackled it can be turned round at this age. Once she gets to ten, it's a whole lot worse!

She needs consistent rules, clear sanctions, loads of praise, positive attention, all the usual 'supernanny' style stuff. She needs no-one to ever give an inch, if she turns on the tears etc she still gets the punishment. And then lots of love at the right times too.

I would get input from school and children's centre. There are parenting courses, family support workers, loads of support.

Do you think your DH and DSD's mum would be up for the challenge? Because basically it is down to them.

Thank heavens for that - I really was starting to think that I had the problem with her and that it was me making a mountain out of a molehill.

Unfortunately her Father is very aware of her behaviour being difficult but absolutely will not admit to it being as bad as it is except once in a blue moon and would NEVER consider taking the lead on this and I'm not close enough to her Mum to bring it up but I am pretty sure she would be deeply offended at the suggestion that we go to a parenting class.

On the up side though I think if I spoke to my husband and said I was concerned about her and thought perhaps we could learn a bit more about how we went about dealing with her behaviour he would probably come to a class so I will have a look into it - thank you so much for your advice, I have floundering around wondering where to look for support for ages.

Have you heard of the 1,2,3 magic programme? Barnardo's run it and it really is magic. I was having problems with my oldest DD and DSs behaviour. I went ona 3 week course (2 hours once a week for 3 weeks) and their behaviour improved literally over the course of a week. it involves showing no emotions and giving them no attention for negative behaviour. I also have a DSD (in case you're wondering why I'm on here) and I always foundit much easier to deal with her behaviour as not being her natural mum I wasn't as affected by her tears as i am by my own DCs. DH loves the fact that she always does what she's supposed to at our house but that is cos I laid down the law since I've known her (which oddly is even longer than I've known DH - long story) and she knows that there will always be consequences.

Just add...on the 1,2,3 programme it cuts down the shouting too and helps with positive reinforcement for the things you want to get her to start doing. I've been so much calmer after doing it.

OH MY GOODNESS mrsInaPickles!!!!! I cannot believe reading what you have wrote... apart from the biting....that is exactly my 5yr old SD!!! im shocked! i felt like i was the only one in the world who had a SD like this!! Im at my wits end trying to cope with all of the above that you have wrote about. My step daughter has been like that for 9 months now. and its getting unbearable. To the point where i did used to like her/get on with her.... but slowly...that is being replaced with dislike, dread. The strain on my relationship with her dad is nearly at breaking point. I have a 6yr old son of my own from a previous relationship. my son is laid back happy go lucky polite as they come. I hate the fact that he has to live listening and putting up with this uncontrollable person. Seeing her being spoilt and getting away with everything. My OH says they have to be treated differently ??? As in punishment etc... but i dont see why ! He says his daughter has issues! therefore thats dealt with seperatly to my son that knows how to behave. How is that right??
You sound like a better step mum than me ... I havent been doing it for very long. Granted. (1yr) but i have little patience left i find myself not being nice to her cos i cant. I cant even pretend!
Have you found any solutions to help you that maybe i could try aswell? Or has the situation got any better? My OH and his ex have seen a child behavioural specialist and shes advised them to keep a food diary. Maybe too much sugar....even natural sugar in fruits etc... creating too much adrenalin.
Who knows.....Will the food diary save me and her dad??? prob not.

I have your step daughter's older sister here at my house.

I have the rude, arrogant, stroppy 9 year old who stamps her feet and has a tantrum when she can't get what she wants. Talks and talks for the sake of it and wants mine and DP attention ALL the time. Apart from when glued to a screen when she won't acknowledge anyone at all.

Goodness knows what she will be like at 15!

I think the poor little girl probably needs some help. Has she been assessed? Go and see a child psychologist, or suggest that her mum and dad do it together. And do it sooner rather than later.

It sounds like you could all do with some help, or at least a professional view on her behaviour and a plan to help her. Dont blame the little girl. At 5 she is not in control of her own emotions.

My brother has a child like this - and some other quite delightful children - They have had help from a child psychologist and it has made a massive difference to all of them

That is a good idea about seeking professional help. But obvoiusly has to be the parents that instigate that. IF they want to admit there is a problem and not just bury their heads in the sand!! lol

Its hard/sometimes very fustrating being the 3rd party. You want to do something to help but cant!!! Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhh !! :-)

..Just a question to theredhen..... how do you deal/cope with the 9yr old yourself? How do you not let it affect your relationship?

Jodie,

My relationship difficulties have been well documented on this board since I moved in with my partner. To be honest, I have no idea if we have a future and have come close to leaving lots of times.

My partner also has 3 other children and we have them a third of the time, so the stroppy 9 year old is just part of that.

To be honest, I think she misbehaves because there are no firm boundaries given by my partner who treats her like a baby half the time and like a 9 yr old the rest of the time. He allows her to dictate to him and to be very rude, then tells her off, when he's having an off day. Some of her behaviour is down to her upbringing and some down to her personality but she is much better behaved when her father isn't around and I am much firmer (but fairer) with her.

Her eldest sister is also rude and entitled and carries on pretty much the same way without the screaming tantrums. Again, if she was reminded of her manners everytime she was rude, I am convinced she would be a pleasant person to be around.

In my case, I don't think the kids have any issues that cant' be dealt with my parenting. I think the youngest is very insecure, but again, mainly caused by parenting issues.

That's my DSD too. She is 7 now.
Last year in the summer holidays she was at her very worst and nearly split DP and I up. He was a typical Disney dad, wouldnt discipline her, bought her presents to keep her happy, etc, but luckily his parents could see what was happening and his dad took him to one side and told him some home truths. None of the family wanted to be around his kids because they were so bad.
At Christmas she was appalling again - she is always worse when we have her for long periods of time - and this time I walked out. I couldn't be in the same room as her one minute longer.
When I eventually came back I gave DP an ultimatum - sort this out before they come for the week at Easter or I'm off!! So far since then he has made a major effort and for the first time last weekend she was adorable and I felt really close to her.
Sorry I'm rambling on here but the turning point came when DP and I became a united front and he stood up to her. One person cant do ot alone - it has to cone drom both parents and step parent. We still have a long way to go but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!