Has anyone ever managed to make DP see sense?

[jencd]

Briefly, I had an awful weekend with DSS. Issues with respect, rudeness, eating meals, not doing what he's told. It has been like this for four years, obviously we have some days that are better than others but DSS' ugly side always comes out somewhere.

He has had a very disturbed little life and I do feel sorry for him. DH and his EX hardly ever speak, DH sees DSS only once a month and all other times DSS is shuned around to different family member by his mum. Now she's having a new baby with a new partner and there has been talk about moving to another country and lost of instability for DSS.

DSS behaviour has gotten so bad that Mother in Law and sister in law now no longer want to help babysit. He's been threatened with being expelled from school, in fact every kids play group, school whatever have always had issues with his behaviour.

DH even told me after this weekend that he's despairing and worried about the situation with his son.

However, from the point of view of a step mother I want to bring it back to the subject, DH still insists that I "wind up" DSS and that i am the cause of his bad behaviour when he is with us.

I've had explosive rows with him over it, pointed out all of the above, confessed I don't enjoy his visits because i feel bullied in my own home, but DH still says he thinks I'm the problem.

How can I make him see that I only want to love and support him and need the same from him when it comes to DSS?

What is your DH doing when your DSS is at yours? Would it be an option to leave them both to it and you get on with doing your own thing, that way your DH could see for himself what his sons behaviour is like?

How often is your DSS over at yours? How old is he?

How old is your stepson?

He's six.

DH is completely aware of the problems with DSS. He knows he's behaviour is worrying.

It's more that when it comes to DSS attitude towards me (such as pointing at me, telling DH I annoy him, recalling times where I lost my temper with him and generally making me out to be a Stepmonster) my DH seems to genuinely believe the problem is coming from me.

He tells me to just ignore it but we've been trying to ignore it for 4 years (DSS first started telling me I was "doing his head in" when he was 2). I really feel that ignoring it is only serving to allow DSS to treat me with even less respect.

fuzzy leaving them to get on with it only gets me in trouble for my attitude and not wanting to spend time with DSS.

"recalling times where I lost my temper with him and generally making me out to be a Stepmonster"

What did you do on the occasionsyou lost your temper with him?

It sounds like your DH is fully aware there is a problem, but (in a typical male style) finds it easier to blame you than tackle the issues properly.

As an earlier poster suggested, it might be helpful for them to have some time alone together, then DH can see for himself exactly how the land lies. And if DSS kicks off when you?re in Monsoon/Harvey Nicks/Starbucks then there?s no way DH can blame you.

Ok, so, breaking down your post, I see a lot of issues - DSS has behavioral problems, parents not tackling behaviour, no co-parenting between Mum and Dad, you losing temper with DSS, your DP blaming you for the behaviour of the child.

Your DP is really being unfair in claiming you are the cause of the bad behaviour, that is simply not right. If that were the case the child would not be at risk of expulsion from school.

Your DP either needs to take steps to make his son behave to a reasonable (not perfect, just normally reasonable) standard or accept you will not be around it, he can't expect you to just take blatant rudeness. But you need to not shout - although I can understand the frustration, ultimately you have to walk out rather than shout, especially given the child's young age.

The target of your anger should be your DP, he is responsible for the standard of behaviour in your house.

Ironically, the one situation that keeps being brought up where I lost my temper was a night when we were on holiday last year. DSS insisted that he only wanted a burger to eat, in the restaurant where we were eating they didn't have burgers on the menu for kids, so I requested especially a burger made up for DSS from the chef. When it came DSS said he didn't like it or the cola that he had with it and he didn't eat any of it. I was really cross and when it cames to walking home I stormed off ahead of DH and DSS and made it quite clear to both of them I was very annoyed by what had happened and wanted some space away.

He's brought this situation up a few times to DH and DH always is more worried that DSS will have bad memories of his holidays with us than actually remembering why I was annoyed.

I don't really shout when I lose my temper, it's more storming off, throwing the food in the bin, taking toys away or sending DSS to his room. One time I drove off and left them on their own in the super market car park because DSS had stolen a chorizo sausage and DH didn't want me to alert the woman on the check out!

and I've just received a text of DH saying that he thinks we're not right together because he wants to be with someone who loves his child as if he was their own.

flippin idiot!

we only got married 6 months ago and this has been a problem for the last 4 years. (incidently on my wedding day, despite doing to extreme lengths to involve DSS in the day including shopping with him for his suit, including him in the proceedings and buying him a camera as a present from me on the day, he still told me I looked ugly in my dress, wouldn't talk to me all day and told me he hoped me and DH split up!)

He wants to split up?

I'm going to answer as if I hadn't read that bit..

I think you need to take a step back for now with regards to discipline, catering, clothes shopping etc. It sounds like he resents this connection with you in a "you're not my mum" way. That's not to say you should be cold towards him, be kind and warm as you would to any child in your home, - play with him, listen to him read etc, but just detach from the parenting - let your husband do that, for now at least until your relationship improves (I mean yours and your stepson's)

gosh W0rmy i would love for just that... i wish it could be that simple, i really do.

I used to always buy DSS presents, for birthdays Christmas etc to use on holidays. I bought the present on my wedding day as I'd read on line that was a good thing to do to include children in the day.I buy less now because i figure the less i do for him the less it will hurt when he's rude.

If i don't "cater" DH thinks I'm making some kind of point, ditto if I don't cook or shop/ provision the house. They just went on a ski trip which I avoided because i didn't want to be dragged in to arguements, I was over reacting, provoking the situation by staying away from it.

He is so tempermental that one day I could sit next to him and start playing and he'd love it, the next day he'll literally shove me away. ISame thing with reading a story, if i snuggle in to watch TV he wants me to read to him, if i express any desire to read to him he rebuffs me. Eventually I've stopped trying because I can't cope with the rejection.

Leaving all the discipline to DH drives me mad too... he'll say "don't do that" and then DSS carries on doing it and DH is oblivious to it. DSS can be very smug as well when he manages to get away with something he knows he shouldn't.

I feel guilty because as far as childhoods go I think his is awful and I know in some ways I add to this. I'm a bit mortified about when he brings up things from the past. Especially when DH doesn't stick up for me.

I'm really sorry to say this jencd but I think your real problem is your husband

:( indeed.

That's why the OP is about getting him to see sense!

Was hoping for some success stories

If it were me I would say ... this has come to a bit of a head (which it sounds like it has) and we really need to both sit down together and talk about how to put things right. You need to tell me exactly what you expect of me, with regards to care and discipline etc, and if you want me to do all that, - and I'm happy to because I happen to love your child - then you need to support me and back me up when he is behaving badly towards me, being rude, shoving me away etc...

But it needs to be workable for both of you, all three of you in fact.

jencd. It sounds like a terrible situation. I'm not sure that's something that can be turned around if I'm honest. Your DH putting up with bad behaviour is one thing, but blaming you is another. It sounds like you're banging your head against a brick wall.

In your position, I've got to say I would run for the hills

Has your dss been assessed? He's at an age when repeated problems in school, and with other family members would suggest he needs an assessment.It is very stressful and damaging to a relationship to have a child with behavioural problems and I can see why you are close to splitting.

I would suggest that you get your dh to agree to get parenting help and then sit back from the situation. It's easy to say "my son is perfect, you just don't like him" however it's also easy to get into a vicious cycle where you can't like the child because of his behaviour.

Could the school offer any help?

I'm sorry to hear it is having such a bad impact on your relationship, that text sounds horrible.

It isn't fair to be asked to love as tho they are your own but not to input as tho your own.

I hope you're ok.

I am ok thanks for the support.

After the text I told DH not to bother coming home last night. He didn't only make comments about DSS but that I am generally unsupportive as a partner with all aspects of his life.

It's very frustrating. I have stood by him through all the issues with DSS, through court battles with his ex and I have often put myself in the firing line with her so we can play "good cop, bad cop." The last court battle with her cost us about 3000£, we've just bought a house and DH had to pay that on a credit card as we didn't have the cash. I helped to pay off the card, flew over for the court case, was with him every step of the way. Everytime he feels depressed or sad or guilty about his relationship with his son I stand by him and help him through it.

It's very hurtful that he would say something like that, which is why I don't know how he will ever see reason. I'm also wondering if I should be trying to convince him I'm trying my best, shouldn't he just know? I am starting to think that it's a hopeless case which is devastating after a five year relationship and six months of marriage :(

feel bad for you jencd. You know what? - nomatter what you do or how you react, you will be the bad guy. Why? Because DH has no-one else to take it out on.

If he can't see how much you've done then I really can't see what hope there is. I don't mean to sound mean, but if his fundamental attitude is what you've described, then it would be a pretty remarkable turnaround for him to start to appreciate you for your support.

DH often gives me short shrift when I'm honest with him about some of the things that go one with DSSs. But he's simply being defensive and says things in the heat of the moment. I know that really (and sometimes I can see that really) he knows that what I'm saying is right but he hates the black and white of it to be pointed out to him. It's very difficult to be told how things are. Sort of a "shoot the messenger" stance I guess. But DH has always, deliberately or otherwise, made it clear that in the background he actually agrees with me. He just doesn't know what to do about it.

If he couldn't even see what I was saying, then I really would despair.

Good luck is all I can say, but I've again got to say that in your place, I would run for the hills.

Would just like to let you all know in response to my OP that I can put my hand up and cheerfully claim "I have made DH see sense!"

It was a battle through and through and amid the threats of divorce and anger DH took the time to write me a very lovely letter explaining his feelings on eveything to do with DSS. He was extremely kind and admitted that he knew the problems were coming from DSS, that he's a difficult child and he knows I'm kind and loving and it must be very hard for me to go through that stuff every time he comes to stay.

He made the point that DSS' mum is probably telling all sorts of lies about us and by arguing amoungst each other while DSS is here serves only to allow her to have more control over us.

He said he's embarrassed by DSS' behaviour and because he doesn't know what to do about it he takes it out on me when it's pointed out to him.

I finally see a light at the end of this tunnel and hope me and DH have found some common ground eventually on this situation which has caused so many arguements.

thanks everyone for your comments, i used some of them in my reply to him. At least it goes to show that these things can be turned around.

well done you!! For sticking it out! i applaude you. Inner strength and plenty of it is whats needed in these situations!!
Roll on the next time you have DSS.....

Well done jencd, glad it worked out.
We had a similar, though not as bad situation over Christmas and it took me walking out to make my DP see sense.