is he too concerned with protecting the ex?

[lastroseofsummer]

I sometimes think my dp is overly concerned with protecting the feelings of his ex. Could be me here but for an example we are playing to live together, he wants to finalise things with her and has asked her for a divorce, mentioned "moving on" to her but nothing else. His dd hasnt beentold yet, - she is early teens - and I have told him that he really should make her aware of it and actually include her in the house hunting (we are both renting so are boing to rent somewhere new together).

I feel that alot is done to accommodate his ex, we tried to keep out of her way for ages, avoided all sorts of places and outings out of deference to her feelings, a further example of this is him dropping me to his house so that he can backtrack to his ex's house to collect dd.

Its like he is ashamed to be seen or that he still feels he is doing something wrong by being with me.

Its making me wonder if he is as ready as he says he is to move forward with me. He has discussed marriage and children yet he cant bring himself to tell his ex that we are going to be living together?

His reasoning is that he doesnt not want her to make the divorce difficult and that he doesnt want to rub her nose in anything but I just want to move on with a normal life and not have to consider her at every turn. She can be nasty and certainly has acted the victim with their friends - somuchso that the other wives and girlfriends are very uncomfortable around me!

opinions please? ta in advance.

Were you involved in the break up of their marriage?

I agree you should include dsd in house hunting and he does need to be upfront with both his exp and dd, if not it will only make it worse in the long run.

With regards to everything else be patient it does get better but let him guide you on this, it is sensitive, seeing things from all points of view is the best advice I can give it will help you in the long run x

No. But ill give you the background anyway.

They were separated - albeit living in the same house. He was dating another girl before me, then himself and wife decided to give it another go, they did try again, muddled through for a few years and then he met me.

To be fair she probably thinks if I didnt come along that he might have stayed a while more but its not the case. He was very upfront with me about his situation and was aware that if he wanted to be with me he had to be single.

Im aware that he attended a mediator/counsellor regarding their marriage breakdown and the way forward financially etc and that he told the mediator that he had met someone else, this was with the exw in the room.

I was dating him while he was still living there, however she was well aware of that (think she had met someone else at that stage also).

I dated him for about 2.5 years and then ended it as felt that there was still too much emphasis on his old relationship. We have decided to give it another go now but im worried now as I dont know whether im being paranoid or whether its signs of the old situation arising again.

Hmmm. He doesn't sound a very reliable chap. Are you certain you want to move in with such a man? Perhaps he's delaying telling his ex wife in case someone else comes along or in case he decides to give it another whirl with his ex wife or perhaps he really doesn't know what he wants.

I'm not a betting woman, but I wouldn't put a penny on this ending happily for you.

There are lots of really good men out there.

Im sure of him. Our relationship ended last time because I ended it. I wouldnt think he is actually ever going to give it a go again with her as i believe that if it wasnt for their dd neither of them would have remained in that marriage as long as they did.

I agree that he is unsure what he wants so I think I will hold off on the moving in perhaps. I have met all his family, members of his ex's family, friends, business associates etc etc.

He has pursued me at all stages of this relationship and to be fair anything I have asked him since we resumed it he has done.

We have attended functions that the ex also attended, had drinks in same bars etc. My point isnt about her though its about him. I wonder if he will ever get past the guilt he has over him actually being the one to leave.

He is very attentive and I do trust him, I know him, I just want a level playing field for our relationship. He has asked if I wouly marry him once he is free and has actually gone so far as to arrive him with info on possible venues.

Anyway the point is this - am I being oversensitive with regard to his ex. I find her nuisance like at times and more so when he is considerate of her. When he carries on with things without trying to protect her constantly she actually behaves better.

I just dont want to get into something more permanent with him if he continues to show deference to his ex

Hmmm. You sound confused. On the one hand you are saying you are sure of him. Then you aren't sure about him. Then you say it isn't about his ex it's about him. The in your last line you say you "don't want to get into something more permanent with him if he continues to show deference to his ex".

If you feel that what's wrong is just him coming to terms with guilt etc, then perhaps it's something that will be resolved with time and a bit of space. (You don't need to rush to move in together do you?) If your doubts are grounded in a dislike of his current relationship with his ex, then I would probably walk away as she is going to loom fairly large in your life because of their shared daughter.

You hardly mention the daughter.

(PSewww to a man who asks you if you might marry him once he isn't married, just ewwww)

why ewww? he is married - he is trying to dissolve his marriage, he wants me to be with him permanently and would like me to be his wife, that cannot happen at present as he is still married? Lol, ur ewww made me laugh though! are you squeamish? or would you just prefer a man to ask you to marry him while he is still married, lol. That would not be ewww, that would be bigamy!

Im confused in that I can appreciate that he does not want to cause unnecessary hurt but I feel if it continues it will cause me hurt as it is difficult to have a normal relationship with him when she is constantly looming in the background.

Perhaps time will cure it, I just find his ex manipulative and he seems to allow it, as if he deserves the punishment or something? guilt perhaps. I dont want to be on the receiving end of her manipulation which I will to some degree if he goes out of his way to make sure she is kept happy, ie no mention of me or our plans etc. Its like she can grieve forever with his support?

Im sure of how he feels about me, im not sure of what his issue is with his ex. I have posted previously about his daughter, I get on very well with her, his ex objects to this. At the end of the day I do want to move on with things, i would like to move on with him I just want his past relationship to be treated as such, a thing of the past!.

I think your dp sounds lovely.

He doesn't want to upset his ex, especially as that will in turn hurt his daughter. She has been a big part of his life, so it is normal that he feels something for her. If he didn't he would be a bastard and not the person you fell in love with.

Maybe he is aware that it will hurt her a lot because she still harbours a dream of reconciliation. You both know that isn't going to happen, but still, it's going to be hard for a nice person to hurt the person he shared a marriage and a child with. She probably isn't that bad, I wouldn't read too much into the fact that she has talked about you to mutual friends. She was upset and ranting to friends - that's what friends are there for. You probably have a moan about things to your friends too and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you are certain of his feelings for you, which it sounds like you are, then I would just be guided by him and let him take it at his own pace. There is no hurry, and you do both owe it to consider that others may be hurt by your moving on. It's the kind thing to do.

Ur probably right iuse its just that we spent so much time going out of our way to ensure she wasnt upset that it ended up upsetting me and our relationship!

She ranted to his parents, her parents, neighbours, his daughter, his brother/sister in law etc etc, none of which i retaliated to. I feel manipulated by her - she manipulates him and it filters down to me. Its been such a long time I just dont know when it will stop - almost 3 years now. I love him, I know he loves me but sometimes I just wonder how I can continue to go on with a third person having to be constantly considered.

Tbh I have more hassle with her than I do dsd. Anyway Im off to sleep on it, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. nite