Do you split holidays 50/50?

[zazas]

Does everyone split the school holidays with their ex - 50/50?

If you don't have a 50/50 residency situation, why does it translate like this in the holidays?

Just wondering... Ours is a two kids mine / two kids his / one kid 'ours' set up. My dd/ds live with us (visit their father maybe one weekend a month, who lives quite some distance away) and his DS and DD live with their mother staying with one night with us during the week / alternative weekends.

However we split the holidays in half...to the point that the children are at half term holiday's picked up at 12 on the Wednesday after being with us since Friday as that is in the middle.

The problem is that we both work and that half day is really awkward as I have to pay for childcare for that day (our only options here are full days) yet one of us is not working. Yet the ex doesn't work. However she insists of the 50/50 split...

We have asked for a 50/50 residency agreement for the whole time which she doesn't want to have yet insists on it in the holidays - so even if you don't have them half the time is it always the holidays are halved?

DH has a son from his first marriage, we have the usual ?alternate weekend plus a midweek night? arrangement, and this continues during the school holidays. We don?t split the holidays 50/50, and never have. Is your 50/50 holiday arrangement something that was agreed by the courts, or is this something the ex insists upon, and is therefore negotiable?

I can understand why splitting Wednesday can cause problems when you?re both working, and if the ex doesn?t work, it seems silly that you?re either having to take time off work or pay for extra child care, just to adhere to an exact split.

I?m never in favour of ?set in stone? arrangements, such as insisting on a specific timed pick-up for no practical reason.

There are two possibilities here ? is your DH prepared to tell the ex that he can?t do a 50/50 split in the holidays (although I accept that plenty of men never dare rock the boat and/or would still want 50/50 holidays even though it?s logistically impossible), or could you continue to split the holidays, but not have such exact handover times, for example could the kids come to you when you get home from work on Wednesday, rather than having to mess around in the middle of the day?

A lot of this depends on your DH - if he?s not even prepared to negotiate with the ex, then you?re onto a non-starter, but I?m hoping this is not the case with you.

my ex has the dcs from friday tea time until monday morning alternate weekends

he had them 2 extra days in the christmas holiday and has them for 2 weeks of the six week holiday

that's it

costs me a fortune in childcare but that is all he has them and the month he has them for te 2 weeks he halves the child support payment (which I would actually have no problem with if he actually spent some money on them while he had them)

Thanks for the replies...

No nothing set in stone by the courts, just something that the EX seems to insist on as it works for her and yes of course my DH doesn't like 'rocking the boat' if he can help it!

I think what I find hard to understand is why she insists on doing this, we always have the children as much as we can, extra nights during the week or extra weekends if she has other things on yet she insists on this 50% split at half terms! If we do the Wednesday to Sunday split she will bring the children to the office while we are working at lunch time and then say somethings like "right have some shopping to do now" and head off.

The problem is that the only two days that I can access childcare are Tuesdays and Wednesdays (the club only runs these two days) so I can't be that flexible.

I can't even say that she just hasn't thought this through as this week she had initially said that she would pick them up late Wednesday afternoon - so when my DH pointed out that we had to work she then said OK midday as that is the 50% split.

We always have them for the three weeks out of the six in summer - two which we have as holidays and one where we pay for childcare clubs for all the kids (ouch).

Thinking through this - I feel we are being more that fair and properly needs addressing, we are having the kids this Sunday as well so definitely more with us over this half term so you would hope she would see reason and compromise on this half day Wednesday!

Workshy - my ex only has the kids once a month and in seven years only once has he had them for more than a week in summer holidays - never extra at half term or Easter, although he doesn't halve the payment - thank goodness!

My ex and I don't have 50/50 contact, but he has the majority of weekends and I have the majority of holidays. It's very flexible though, we will always work to each others plans when we can.

I think your dh's ex is being ridiculously extreme. How does she react if your dh asks if he can pick the dc up after work on the Wednesday?

I've made it clear to my ex that I will no longer be flexible - we have a 50:50 agreement (no CO) but he was taking the piss by asking for changes and swaps and then pushing for more and more without any consideration for DD or myself, so eventually I said enough is enough and sometimes it's really inconvenient for me and/or him - but better than the weeks of tension and argument that seemed to follow every change I agreed.

I'm not saying your DP is difficult OP or that the ex is justified in your case - but wanted to give a voice to those of us who do behave in that way for good reason

DH has his dd's half the time for set days each week and that carries on through the holidays - with changes made if either their mum or us have a holiday away booked. It mostly works quite well - DH never changes the rota unless it is unavoidable but his ex does. This week being half term she took the week off work and then just announced that she would be having them for the whole week! if DH did that there would be a major incident...

Here we also have 50/50 school holidays. It doesn't always work that well for DSS IMO as DSS' Mum is at work so he ends up with GPs, but Mum would never agree to a change so not worth pushing it.

With half terms we just alternate them rather than split in half.

On an issue raised above, we are pretty inflexible now on days and times once agreed as we were finding we were forever getting asked 'could you swap'. So now once it is agreed, it is unbending. Prior to the agreement (done on same principles as originally agreed but actual weekends etc take work/family stuff into account) there is flexibility.

DSS lives btw.

It's interesting all the different arrangements - just wondering how those with the one night a week/every second weekend split the holidays?

We never really swap things around, usually arranging any activities / work around the times we have the kids - I always feel it is best for 'stability' just to keep to a routine. However with my children's situation it is very much whenever their dad can have them rather than any set times and that actually also works for us too!

I guess my original question was - if you don't have a 50/50 split during the term why does it have to be at holidays? What's the logic behind that sort of setup?

if you don't have a 50/50 split during the term why does it have to be at holidays? What's the logic behind that sort of setup?

In DSC's case, 50% contact in holidays was awarded by the court because DP was trying to secure as much contact as possible, and was only awarded EOW during term time because his exW insisted that weekday contact would be disruptive.
This often seems to be the case; contact in school holidays compensates for less time during the school term which is considered (rightly or wrongly) to be too disruptive to the DC's routine.

Thanks notadisneymum - makes sense. As we do have the dsc during the week, and a lot of the weekends, I hadn't thought through if you didn't have this sort of set up.

OP How do you sort out Christmas?

Your current husband sounds as though he's being a decent father, sharing the responsibilities for his children with his ex wife. I'm sorry that your own ex husband is not doing the same. It is HIM that is in the wrong and I think you should be looking to put your own house in order, rather than upsetting perfectly amicable and fair arrangements that have been agreed by others.

Courts would award 50:50 holidays, it is perfectly normal.

But it seems that the OP's stepchildren visit on the usual EOW basis, until it gets to school holidays, and then the ex decides to change the rules and insist on a 50/50 holiday split. OK, if a court has ruled on this, then that's just the way it is, but if your 'official' arrangement is usually EOW, then the OP's ex doesn't have the right to increase it to 50/50 during the holidays. Any change should be agreed with both parties, it's not totally the ex's decision.

I can understand why the OP is frustrated.

The half day on Wednesday arrangement appears to serve no practical purpose. Sounds very much like form over substance.

fwiw the court order DH has states something like 3 weeks holiday per year. But again DSSs mother won't hear of it.

Petal02 But their official arrangement is EOW termtime and 50:50 non-termtime. It sounds as though this is the way it's always been, and not something that the ex has suddenly sprung on the OP.

allnewtaketwo - do you have a defined contact order?

My DH has yes. But the last time DH went to court to challenge her, the DSSs ended up really stressed and DSS2 in particular developed some obvious issues related to stress in his household. Unfortunately their mother is narcissistic and is obsessed with control. Apparently there is a fairly constant level of shouting in the house and in particular when anyone challenges her she gets very angry. The eldest "child" is now 16 and is terrified of her (exhibiting physical symptoms of anxiety if they're running 5 mins late home on a Sun eve).

So even now that the contact order no longer applies to the 16yo, he won't dare question the EOW arrangement with her.

mrsjap - Christmas we tend to do first week with their Mother - with us from Christmas day afternoon and then with us the following week (that is with regard to my DH's children).

My ex has a completely separate view on parenting and there is nothing that would ever change that! He is a great father to the children when he has them (and has always support them financially) but in all honestly it works best that he just lets me know when he can have the children through the year and then we work around that. My children are OK with that, they have the security and stability of this house (with a step father that has been part of their lives since they were small and siblings both step and half) and enjoy their time with their father when they can yet understanding his limitations as a parent! Maybe it doesn't sound 'idea' but we have made it work.

With regard to the 50/50 split re the holidays - I am happy with that too (of course) and it works fine over all the holidays except the strange half day split during the half term!

Thinking through it is just the usual 'stepmother frustration' that is the issue - that my DH said OK to splitting a work day with his ex, without discussing it with me, when it is me that it impacts on! As I explained earlier it is one of the few days that I can access childcare so I can work and my DH forgot (again!) and the ex just sometimes doesn't like to see things from our 'working' point of view!

By the way there is no official arrangement (no courts involved) and in the past it was very much what the ex wanted to suit with regard to her plans and we worked around it. So if she wants to go away all half term with the children that has happened and when she wanted to go away for three weeks during term time (on her own), we supported her in that too.

I guess I am feeling when we are in general very reasonable and always have the children as much as we can, that this half day stuff is just her way of exerting a bit of 'control' over us - seriously when she says that she will just do a supermarket shop, then come and pick the kids up (knowing we have to be at work and with the kids are 12 and 11 so not exactly hard work with regard to shopping) - there is an element of being unreasonable!

Ahhhhhhh

..and while I am thinking of it, do you find over the summer holidays it is best to do the three weeks (if you have the arrangement) in one go or to break it up say two weeks and then another week?

We have done both and the only thing I find with the three weeks is that my DSC do miss their Mother after such a long time (and her them!) - not sure it is the best for them...however due to logistics might be the case this year. It is also a long break for us not to see them too.

Any thoughts on this - I know it is far off but the kids all have different obligations and we have to work around them this year!

zazas - that does sound unreasonable of her. I wonder what her motivation is? I think you're right, it probably is about exerting control of some sort. But not because she wants to cause you difficulty but because she wants you both to share the fact that children are often inconvenient and not something you squeeze in when you have time.

zazas - It's really good that you make that arrangement with your children's father cool for your children. In the same way you complete the arc of reasonableness for them, it is probably worth completing the arc wrt the Wednesdays for your DH's children. You sound like a family who've made it work and it seems a shame to put that in any jeopardy for the sake of a few inconvenient Wednesdays. There is quite a lot to be gained from being the better person.

But not because she wants to cause you difficulty but because she wants you both to share the fact that children are often inconvenient and not something you squeeze in when you have time. - it is not that we don't have the time BUT we need to work so we can support her and the children! Fair enough if she was juggling work as well but when it is because she wants a lie in and a shop, give me a break! But you are right - we have made it work and it really is only a few Wednesdays each year (writing that makes me realise how silly it is to get worked up about it!) - problem is that I am extremely reasonable and always, always put the children's needs first (they obviously never asked for this sort of family set up). I also try to consider all the adults involved and their need to work - it can be a struggle like it is in any family, it just probably 'upsets' me when one of the other adults aren't as considerate - probably just need to get over it and actually feel better just writing this down - will move on! Thanks!

I don't understand this either. Our situation is that DP and I both work but we have his 4 kids over half the school holidays while his ex sits at home doing nothing because she doesn't work.

She doesn't want the kids, he insists on having them, then either dragging them around work or leaving them home alone. He wants to come home and have his family there, but I think it would be better if he saw them more evenings and his ex cared for them during the day. After all, aren't these parents supposed to "put the needs of the children first". Seems to me that they both have an agenda which is purely for their own benefit and the kids are last on the list.

I have no problem with having them when we actually go on holiday or for extra evenings but if we work to provide a life for ex wife to not work, then why can't she look after her own children too?