SM needing support and a shoulder to lean on please.

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I would love some advice please from anyone who can help me along my SM path as at the moment I am dangerously near to falling off the edge!! I feel so unhappy in my own home most of the time as dsd (who has SN) no longer has overnight stays with her BM as she is too stupid to be able to sort her own problems out. Before I at least had weekends and some school holidays to recharge my batteries but now even that has gone.
What really gets to me is it feels like there are 3 parents this child has but there is only me really bothered to do the hard day to day grind and yet there are days I want to put my hands up and say ?Enough, She isn?t mine, I don?t want to do this anymore!? But I don?t want to leave and disrupt my own dc?s lives and alot of the time I do want DH, although recently dsd is even making me question whether the life with her is so bad that in fact I should have not met DH. Huge shame as we did get on brilliantly and smiled and laughed and were fab but the strains of every day life make me want to run away and have started to make me resent him too.
Could someone please explain what the ?detaching? is? I went to see a counsellor a year ago and explained how hard I find being a sm to this particular child (I have an older sc in our family from DH too but don?t have a problem with him, infact we get on really well) and the counsellors answer was ?She isn?t your problem, she has her own parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Fantastic, yep she does but one is a total waste of good breathing air and the other is married to me and dsd lives with us so how on earth do I leave it all to him when she is in our home every day every week and as the mum role to the other children I have the mum role to her too.
I really really have tried so hard for a number of years to support her, bring out the best in her (maybe too much????) but just get more and more frustrated that with this child in particular its so much work for so little reward. She tells liars for England, is rude, bad mannered, stroppy and generally makes everyone in the house feel uncomfortable yet we all try so hard to get on with her and live with her. I get sick of ?professionals? saying try this with her, try that, change this routine, change that when I feel I have tried so much, and sometimes really I just want to scream...she has a Mum who needs a rocket up her a**e and shaking not all softly softly sympathy for poor her!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I am racked with guilt as I want to be super stepmum and don?t like the way I feel. I know sd has problems and have sympathy for her but just want to be happy too myself. I have been on anti depressants for over a year now and even that annoys me as I feel its outside influences that are making me sad, not me myself and so the resentment towards DSD and her Mum grow more as I want to come off tablets but don?t see how at the moment.

Sorry for the rant, hope someone can give me some helpful advice.

How old is she? Sorry if I missed that, but I can't see it.

I'm sure you'll lot of good advice here.

why isn't she seeing her mum? what does her mum want to happen? what does her dad think should happen? how about a family conference where the arrangements for her can be discussed. I can't help feeling quite sorry for your dsd (as well as for you). It sounds very hard for all of you...

She is 13 in age but more 7 - 8 in maturity, development etc.

Her Mum is an alocoholic. I have in the past sat down with her and had lengthy discussions (we do get on well) and made lots of plans but it never lasts for long. My DH had given up trying to make any sort of new plans with her as he knows it just doesn't work. I don't doubt deep down her Mum loves her and wants the best for her but she just can't manage it. She has had support after support to help sort her life out, to help her with her children but she just everytime promises the earth and we all then start off again in a vicious circle. DSD wants to see her sometimes but often doesn't and often used to ring me when she was at her Mum asking me to collect her as she was too scared to be there. She just has tea each week with her Mum a couple of times now but even that is slapdash depending on what else is happening in her Mums life. I guess cos I am a very hands on caring Mum I just struggle to accept there are Mums out there who are just so different to me. To me Mum just don't behave like she does. I understand this has all had an impact on DSD but it feels like the whole family not just her are living on what ifs and maybes. I am a very organised person and can deal with crisis well but this long term draining of my energy is just so wearing.

You sound exhausted..

Poor you - you sounds completely drained. Anyone dealing with Sn needs support and when it's not your child it's even harder. I can relate to it as sometimes I feel like I'm a foster carer but without the training or support. dss is very challenging and my dh doesn't know how to deal with it and his mum is too focussed on her own life to bother. I feel as if I'm the only person that cares.

The reality is however it is your dh's responsibility - does he really do enough to support his daughter? If he was a single parent how would he change his routine to cope? It seems that you are picking up the extra workload because you can.

You have to take care of yourself, do what you need to recharge your batteries.Its the old story of you having to put your oxygen mask on first so that you can help others.

Do what you need to get respite - if that means a few days away so be it or plan regular breaks. Also it might be worth posting on SN/Fostering sites as they might be able to provide ideas on how to get support/respite.