When it is all over

[NHAN]

Hello, I haven't been on here for quite a while but am looking for some advice again.
I decided a while back to split from my OH. Unfortunately he refuses to move out and it is taking me ages to find anywhere so i'm still stuck in the same situation. We've got 2 little ones and he has 2 older children.
To cut a long story short and be blunt his parenting and their mothers is rubbish. I've wasted 6 years on it and can't take anymore but don't know what to do once i'm gone.
I don't think he'll cope but I have to let that go now. I feel i'm letting my step children down though. I've always been the one who listens to them, offers advice, shows them right from wrong, makes sure they wash, have clean clothes, brush teeth, comb out nits etc etc.
I know this sounds awful but i'm quite scared for their future, not that i'm perfect by any means but i've always tried. My dss has asd and its been me pushing for him to get support. I've done everything and suggested their dad take the credit so it didn't look like I was interfering, but without me pushing him he wouldn't do it.
Do I just walk away and leave them to it? let them know my door is open to them? still offer advice to their dad, actually and their mum because she turns to me too, hence why it got too much?
I have to get out for my sanity and for my children but feel so guilty

I'm so sorry for you - it seems as if it's all got too much and I know how overwhelming it can be at times. You seem burnt out by the stress. The reality however is that you are not the parents and you don't have the responsibility. Your DSS has two parents and they own this. The stress come from trying to change something that you don't have the levers/responsibility for.

I do know how you feel - my DSS is struggling but I can't do anything other than be a positive adult in his life but I don't own the responsibility to fix it. I do have to keep reminding myself that.

Focus on getting it right for your dc's - you can't make people be better parents - no matter how hard you try.

Personally, I think when you form a parent-like relationship with children it is wrong to completey walk out from their lives, regardless of whether you are their natural parent or not. They are also your DCs' half-siblings, and it would just seem wrong after caring for them, and parenting them to walk out and say "well my focus is my DCs"

You're right to get out if you have to, but personally I think it would be wrong to close the door to children you've cared for for six years (unless that is forced on you by your DP's attitude). But if he is up for it, could you have them round to tea once a week or something?

To be honest I would happily have them live with me as long as their idiotic incompetent father wasn't there lol. I wouldn't never see them at all, unless it was forced upon me but I can see them using me as babysitter anytime they like, using the excuse of them seeing their half brothers.
I guess I could arrange to meet up with them all when he has them. I won't want to send my baby to his dad while he is breastfed anyway so it will be the only way they can see him.

It breaks my heart to take my children away from their father and siblings, although they will obviously still see them, but this is a horible environment for them.
This is completely off topic but I just don't understand why they can't do a better job of parenting. Even just the basics of washing etc, its not that hard!

Just wanted to say that sometimes this can work out better than you imagine, it did for me. It was one of the few unexpected success points of finally deciding enough was enough for my marriage.

Without the emotional battles that usually come up with you being step-mum... (seriously even though her mum had remarried and her dad had married me, my sd still thought that 5 years down the line, if she split us up (and she tried her hardest to do it) her mum and dad would get back together)...the tensions all seemed to dissolve and my relationship with my now ex-sd is better than it ever was. She knows that I'm there is she needs me, we keep in contact via facebook/text message/phone calls and when she comes down to visit (she lives far away now), she will stay with me happily to spend time with her brother (half-brother) but also with me.

And it becomes easier to detach too (I struggled to do this when we were together) but now I've got a new line "Aren't you lucky you don't live with me any more, if you had behaved like that at my house you would have [insert appropriate consequence here]")