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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

who picks your step children up from school?

19 replies

ginny84 · 04/02/2012 20:33

Hi,

Just wondering if you pick up the kids from school, or mainly if you are allowed to?

My DP's ex has made it so only my DP and herself can pick up SS. As my DP doesn't drive this means we both have to do a 1hour 20 round trip before or after work a couple of times a week. Does anyone know if there is anything legally we can do about a change to a school contact list (my DP has been able to have no say in this)?

OP posts:

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NotaDisneyMum · 05/02/2012 12:34

DP and I had this problem.

DP wrote to the school with a copy of the CO/parenting agreement and informed the school that when DSS was in his care, I had permission to collect DSS from school.

We knew that if DSS mum had turned up, then i would have to allow DSS to go with her, but so far, it's not happened and she only lives 2 mins walk away!

It is possible that the school will refuse, if they are pro-mum/ anti-dad - if so, it's worth asking a solicitor to write to them; they'll usually seek legal advice from the local education authority at that point, which sorts it out fairly quickly

Original poster

ginny84 · 05/02/2012 17:09

Thanks for your reply.

Glad that you managed to sort your similar situation - gives me hope.

My DP does not have a court order so sending a copy of that is a no go. It is in fact nursery at the moment who were very understanding at first and said that a letter from DP requesting to add me would be sufficient and they would give DPs ex a chance to respond but would only say no to me being adding if there were safeguarding issues (which there are not). DPs ex then sent a solicitors letter saying that only DP and herself could pick up SS, no one else could be added. Nursery then said they couldn't do anything. They had to follow the letter.

Hoping school will be a little different.

Thanks again :)

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 05/02/2012 17:30

Your DP's ex does not have any more right to dictate to the nursery than your DP does (I assume he has PR?).

What would the nursery do if your DP arranged a solicitors letter giving you permission to pick DSS up? Who would they take more notice of - DP or ex? If they disregard your DP's wishes, then they could get into all sorts of bother !

If it were me/DP, I would challenge it while your DSS is young - it's a horrible precedent to set and once he is at school, his mum may be able to argue that DSS is "not used" to other people picking him up.

glasscompletelybroken · 05/02/2012 19:30

I never used to be allowed to pick dsd's up from school either - until it became more convenient for DH exW to allow it!

if your DP has parental responsiblity then I am very surprised that a solicitor would write such a letter and I would fight this if you can. While his DS is with him your DP can do as he thinks is right and the same goes for his exW.

Smurfy1 · 08/02/2012 05:22

Me or DH (if he's not at work) but we both have PR & full custody and am next of kin

purpleroses · 08/02/2012 11:47

Wish my ex's DW was remotely like you lot :(

He will simply tell me he can't have them when planned, forcing me to change my work, ask friends, etc rather than ask his DW to pick my DD up from school. The school is less than a mile from where they live and DW is off on maternaty leave right now so has pleanty of time. They've been married 4 or 5 years and she has never set foot in the school, or anywhere the DCs go.

I'd be quite happy to have her picked up by ex's DW if it would help him out and stop him dumping his responsibilities back on me.

NotaDisneyMum · 08/02/2012 16:48

purple if your ex is not stepping up to his responsibilities, that may be why his DW is keeping at arms length and not getting involved with the DCs.

All too often, a SM ends up being taken for granted and doing the lions share of the caring and running around. What would your exH do if his DW wasn't there? It's unfair on the DCs if they're missing out; but certainly not attributable to their SM's decision not to provide day-to-day care in their dads absence.

purpleroses · 08/02/2012 17:49

NADM - you're right, she doesn't have to get involved. They're his responsibility ultimately (and mine of course). It would just be nice if she was willing to help out on the odd ocassion, as others on here obviously do. She's a million miles off doing the lion's share of caring and running around - ie absolutely zero. If she wasn't there, he'd have to cope alone obviously, but then maybe he wouldn't be working so many hours to support her and their new DS would he?

Sorry OP - didn't mean to hijack your threat - I'm currently having to cancel plans for a work trip away unless I can get my parents to come and have the kids for a few days, because her refusal to help out at all coupled with my ex's decision to take a new job with early starts has meant he can no longer have them for a one off three day stretch when they'll be at school in the daytime - so this is a sore topic! Feeling very envious of all your DPs' exes who have such lovely SMs for their DCs They don't know how lucky they are. And bloody mad in preventing you from picking up from school!!!

EMS23 · 08/02/2012 23:15

I'm not 'allowed' to pick up my DSS from school, nor am I 'allowed' to go to swimming, rugby etc...
Up to now its ok as my DH is a SAHD to our DD but he's going back to work soon hopefully and I'll be at home so unless things change it'll be impossible to continue as is.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/02/2012 16:27

EMS - when you say "not allowed"; how would she find out, and what would happen? Does your DH "do what he is told" by his ex rather than what is best for you as a family?

Your DH has as much responsibility towards DSS as his exW does - which means that he has an equal say in DSS care....and if your DH asks you to pick up DSS, then why would you consider his exW views more important?

A lot of Dads seem to forget that they have an equal say in their child's lives - usually because they are so scared that their ex will withhold child contact if they don't "do what they are told".

EMS23 · 09/02/2012 19:11

NotaDisneyMum - yes, my DH does exactly what he's told for fear of his ex withholding contact.
In 8 years, she never has but it's her standard response to anything she doesn't like! As recently as November when my DH wouldn't take our DD to see his ex on our DD's birthday as I had the day off work so wanted to spend my DD's birthday with her and not have her taken off for her weekly viewing at his ex's house when he was picking up DSS.

Infuriating, especially as we now have my DSS half the time but there we go. I dearly wish it was different, our life is ruled by her but I love my DH and my DSS and live in hope of it all getting better magically. The two of them make it worth all this crap.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/02/2012 19:41

EMS - that sounds like an impossible situation for you, and one your DH is going to have to address before he goes back to work, surely?

After eight years, if he called her bluff - would she actually do it?

DP called his exW bluff; and to be honest, I wouldn't have stayed with him unless he had. His exW only totally withheld contact for as long as it took her to seek legal advice after my DP's solicitor wrote to her - and eventually, DP got far more contact through family court than he expected; her refusal to agree to any contact went against her in front of the magistrates.

EMS23 · 10/02/2012 09:05

I doubt he'll ever address it, he thinks they have a great co parenting relationship. In many ways they do, so long as he never disagrees with her or asks for something she doesn't like!

theredhen · 10/02/2012 09:36

Co-parenting isn't doing as you are told though is it?

I sometimes think some men really have no idea when it comes to parenting and therefore are quite happy to do whatever their ex tells them to do. They are more inclined to listen to the Mother of their children than their partner because they feel the Mother has the "best interests of the children" at heart when so often, the Mother is using the kids as a weapon to control the other parent.

EMS - your DP wouldn't call her bluff would he for fear that she might indeed stop contact. My DP is the same and does as he is told for fear of being stopped contact. The reality is that ex wife has the life of riley calling all the shots and having complete control.

EMS23 · 10/02/2012 10:15

The really sad thing, IMO, is that sometimes, our DD is treated unfairly as a result of his dogged compliance with his ex's requirements. And sometimes because my DH overcompensates because of the guilt he feels for his DSS coming from a 'broken home'.

Original poster

ginny84 · 10/02/2012 20:57

Really interesting to see that other people are in similar situations.

Our main frustration is that nursery have said no due to solicitors letter from DP's ex. It feels like there is little we can do to put a change to that. Have tried speaking to the area manager of the nursery but they are sticking to there decision. Hopefully once it is school (which will not be too long) we will have a different outcome and will may have to resort to sending a solicitors letter ourselves. DP does have PR so I don't see any legal reason why he can't decide who picks up his son on his days.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 10/02/2012 21:20

As the parent with residence, I've always filled in paperwork for my DCs' schools which includes naming anyone else with PR and also naming anyone else who may collect them from school. So that'll probably be your starting point - ie that the ex will fill it in, and not name you (but should name DP as having PR).

But I think you're probably right that schools are more legally clued up than nurseries. If your DSC is due to be in DP's care after school one day, then DP should be able to give permission for you to collect. He can do this formally by letter - shouldn't need to be from a solicitor.

Suspect the nursery is probably clueless and easily frightened by a solicitor's letter, but if they're a private business they can do what they like. School should be better I would have though.

It's also the case in my DC's school that beyond the first year or so, the whole thing becomes a bit of a nonesense anyway as the kids all emerge into the playground and it's a free for all who goes home with who.

elvisaintdead · 10/02/2012 21:30

I know someone who went to court over this (not just this obv, other issues as well) and they decreed that while DC were in either parents care each parent had the right to delegate that care to another person HOWEVER during contact with their Dad only he could collect them from school because the Mum had made such a fuss about it that the court felt it would be detrimental to the children to be the subject of playground gossip/animosity.

I was pretty surprised by that ruling however it was a few years ago now and hopefully things will have moved on. Legally he could nominate you but I am guessing they just don't want to get involved. Has the ex stated why you cannot get them and/or has she suggested an alternative arrangement if your ex doesn't drive?

Original poster

ginny84 · 13/02/2012 19:55

Thanks for that purple. Do expect school to be a bit easier to deal with.

No reason has been given elvis, she just doesn't like me. Has been quite nasty about me in the past. The alternative solution to her is that my DP can't make it [for example if he has a work meeting he can't miss] we let her know and she will do it. Meaning that we either miss the time we have with DSS or we pick him up later from her house. Timing wise picking him up later, once DP has finished work, would result in such a minimal time at ours before bedtime that it would hardly be worth it.

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