Really not sure where to post this.

[Fritillaria]

I think I am probably breaking all sorts of mn etiquette sorry! I originally posting in legal and got some good answers to the legal bit but none to my other question. I then posted in lone parents and as soon as I'd clicked create conversation I thought of the step-parenting thread

My question is on how does a parent discuss a contact court case with 2 children who love both parents very much without putting them in the middle of the conflict and without getting 'trying to please mum or dad' answers. I thought step parents might have particular experience of this and also of the situation of trying to discuss this with their children when they perhaps don't see their children all that often?

This is my thread on lone parents. :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1398514-Advice-for-a-friend-on-talking-to-children-in-difficult-circumstances

I wouldn't. It is down to CAFCASS to represent the childrens views along with other issues, in court.

Other than telling the DCs 'mum & dad can't agree, so we've asked for help' I would leave it up to the professionals - CAFCASS have a website for children, which might help, too.

I agree with NADM, it is best not to mention any specifics as the children will be in the middle. It may not involve CAFCASS anyway - a judge could make a determination if there are no parental concerns. i.e if the concerns are about the DCs routine.

We had a similar situation - DH's ex was belligerent about contact so reluctantly we went to court. It was actually pretty straightforward, a judge quickly decided that regular contact was appropriate and an order was prepared. In reflection we should have gone to court much sooner.

A couple of points - I assume your friend has tried mediation first, that is always the first step. Secondly what is the contact pattern..every weekend and one night a week? Usually weekends are shared so is the dad prepared to give up this time in favour of extra week days? Lastly it would be worth him joining FNF so that he has advice about the court process.

Thanks for your replies. He did try mediation and she spent several sessions yelling at him and sitting in floods of tears telling the mediator various sob stories. (DP and are are not her no 1 fan as you may have guessed, she was a complete nightmare when he was with her.) They made no progress whatsoever.

Currently he has every third weekend and one evening for tea in between and is asking for every other weekend and one overnight a week. She says it will disturb their routine and she doesn't want them to have to change houses every other week as her house 'is their home'. Rational arguement about well 'this is their father' seems to have no impact.

He has got a solicitor who has told him something about the court process but she is both vague about some things and black and white about others. I think she feels it is all very straightforward which objectively I think it probably is, but I rather fear he is just going to give up out of fright and give in the whims of the ex.

I just found out what FNF was as I was reading the somewhat scary thread on lone parents! I will suggest it to him.

I see what you are saying about not talking to the boys and I couldn't work out how to do it either. It makes me wonder now about another friend who had a bit of a contact battle with her ex. She was always stating that her position was just what the boys had wanted when she talked about it with them. I didn't really question it at the time and can't even remember how it resolved itself but still... hmm.