Stalemate - Age gap and time issues

[24greenpeas]

Im 37 and my DP is 53. He has a 7 year old who he is dedicated to and who he coparents. We have been together for 3 years but don?t live with one another. We spend lots of time together as we live close to one another. We do lots of family stuff together which I love. He is kind, loyal, supportive and makes me laugh. When we got together he said he would have more children, then a year later he changed his mind as he was concerned about his age, but when he realised that it was important to me to have the choice he agreed that if I wanted a child he would be supportive. He is a brilliant dad which I have always found attractive. However we have only ever been away for one weekend in three years together and have never been on holiday together. He is self employed so is concerned about money and taking time off and also he is very committed to the days and times he has his daughter so doesn?t like to mess them around. And I am concerned that I am considering having a child with someone who ive never spent a full adult weekend with. When I mention this he poo poos it with ?but we spend so much time together etc lets just try for a baby?. He is supportive but I just don?t feel secure enough. I worry about how we would manage financially and the fact that we haven?t had those quality times together to fall back on and talk about when the going gets tough as im sure it will. Am aware that babies can be hard work! Also I still have wonderlust and would want to experience new places and situations with my child but he isnt interested in that at all. Can that work if I go off on my own with our child? I trust him but all of a sudden I am concerned about his age. He hasn?t the finances of Rod Stewart, he hasn?t a pension and his ex can be quite demanding at times. And if I couldn?t have children he has said that he wouldn?t want to do IVF. I don?t think I have the right headspace to consider bringing up someone elses child if I cant have my own. I love him dearly. Am I worrying too much? I have heard that there is never a right time to have a baby but still?.i know i havent got much time left to consider having a child and im wondering whether i am putting too much pressure on the relationship and whether i should walk away and let him be happy without my constant worrying.

It does sound like you maybe want quite different things in life.

Personally, though, if I was in your situation I think it would come down to how much I wanted kids.

Have baby - best case scenario - love being a mum, find you and DP are now more on the same track now you're both parents, enjoy family life together

• worst case - have baby but you're too different, split up, manage amicable co-parenting (as he's already managing with his ex). Single parent, harder to form new relationships.

No baby - best case - enjoy being stepmum and having more time alone with DP than you would with a baby

• worst case - split up, find by the time you've managed to form a new relationship it's too late to have kids. Regret not having done so sooner.

Big decisions, not unreasonable to be worrying over them.

wow, so much in your post that is familiar to me.
i met my DH when I was 37 and he was 50; had a baby with him when I was almost 40 and he was 53. We did not live together for the first six months of DD's life (my choice); we then moved in together and were married. DH has two teenagers who live with us full-time. He'd certainly not considered having another child, but I was not prepared to stay in the relationship if we didn't, and he came around quite quickly and was completely enthusiastic about the pregnancy and is devoted to the baby. I had same issues as you mention - financial insecurity, still wanting to travel, some differences of values and lifestyle, and on top of that, I am from overseas, so staying with him would mean staying away from my home country - while not staying with him would mean raising the baby far away from her father. His age, actually, was never much of an issue to me - he is very youthful in his mind, spirit and body, and is so active with his kids and now with DD - much more so than many men half his age.

For me, I was committed more to having a child than I was to him (at that point in the relationship, anyway). I was absolutely prepared for the eventuality that we might not stay together, and we discussed what that would be like. I was basically at a place in my life where I felt that I was ready to take a leap and have a child, and I guess that trumped all the rest. It s like purpleroses just said - I realised I and my child were going to be ok with either that best case scenario or that worst case scenario.

I think I have an unusual set-up in some ways, in that I have a bit more autonomy with DD than some married parents might have. I do take her on weekends away, and I have taken her for two lengthy visits to my home country, without DD and the SCs (we have also visited all together). I am the primary decision maker when it comes to DD; for instance, when it comes time for her to go to school, it is understood that I will make the choice of where she goes. Obviously DH has input and a sort of 'veto power' - and on a day-to-day basis, he is an extremely involved parent - but we agreed long before she was born that I would make the major decisions, and so far that seems to suit us fine. I guess it all reflects the way we started out and the fact that she and I lived separately at the start of her life. I think it is also a recognition of the fact that DH has primary care of his two older kids. Mostly though, it gives me a sort of security, knowing that I still have some independence and that she and I would be ok if we did end up on our own again.

Sorry that was so long! I will just end by saying that I have no regrets whatsoever about choosing to try for a baby when we did. She's my dream come true, and I can't imagine now having decided against it. She's also made my blended family much closer.

Good luck.

You're very sensible to worry. You shouldn't be having a child with someone you haven't spent sustained periods of time with. Personally, it would worry me that he seems so unconcerned by this.

She hasn't said that they have not spent "sustained periods of time" together. I agree that of course it would be a great idea to take a holiday together first - especially since once you do have a baby, that gets even harder to do.

However, I think it should be noted that the reality of dating a person with kids is that you may not have the opportunity for 'regular' dating in the way that other single people do it.

I did not have a full night together with my now DH for more than a year after we started our romantic relationship. He had two kids, and that meant a different style and pattern of dating. It sucked - but it doesn't mean we weren't spending a great deal of time together, and I can definitely say that I got to know my DH a lot more quickly because of the mundanity forced upon us by the situation, than I did previous boyfriends with whom I had more 'traditional' courtships.

Re-reading the OP though, I do see that he doesn't have the daughter full-time - so surely it would be possible for you two to spend more weekends together? Is there something else stopping that, OP?

he works most saturdays and has his daughter every other weekend. I just dont think he understands why i would want to spend quality time with just him. I dont push it as i realise his relationship with his daughter is important, so i end up making my own plans to go and see things by myself or with friends, but sometimes i feel slightly resentful and sad that he doesnt want to do/see stuff with me. I'm not sure whether this is how he has always been or whether he is like this because he has a child. I never envisioned having a child with someone who i hadnt had adventures with. And he thinks that things would be different if we lived together but im not sure. I had been single for a couple of years before i met him and bought my own home and love having my own independence and there is a part of me like you that thinks well if we did have a child together and it didnt work out between us i would be okay. But i think thats sad that im i could go into this thinking that. On the other hand when i say that i still want to travel and if i had a child i would want to explore with this child he is very laid back about it and i think maybe that would work but still it feels me with a little sadness that i would be doing this on my own.

On the other hand when i say that i still want to travel and if i had a child i would want to explore with this child he is very laid back about it and i think maybe that would work but still it feels me with a little sadness that i would be doing this on my own.
I really do enjoy the times I get to go on adventures with DD - if I didn't live with DH, it would be different and I suspect I might feel a bit sad about it, but now that we are together most of the time, the times I go away with DD feel like a treat! And I like to think that I am raising her to have a spirit of independence and adventure; when it is just the two of us I am more spontaneous and probably a bit more fun than when we are all together as a family. I hope we will always keep up our separate adventures...for example, my DH and SCs don't enjoy camping, whereas I grew up doing it and really miss that we don't do that on our family holidays. So I plane on taking DD camping every year.

I really do think that it is time for you to tell your DP that you want to start using those weekends when he does not have his daughter to do things together. You say he works most Saturdays, but you don't have to go away every weekend - set a goal, and he can arrange to make the time, surely. Under the arrangements you describe, it is possible and doesn't have to take away from his time with his daughter, at all. Suppose you decided on one week's holiday away and three weekend trips in the next year (I'm just making up a number; you'll know what is possible!), and tell him you want that commitment. Because really - if he can't commit to that and make it really happen - a relatively simple thing that would mean a lot to you and that many many people take for granted - then is he really a good candidate for planning a life with? Start right away, because the sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to make that big decision.

thanks for your advice - i really appreciate it..and it has made me feel better. i asked partner about going away which he has said he would do - so thats a start..though he has said this before but it never happened due his finances. Can i ask Brdgl - what would have happened if you couldnt have had children? I dont know whether its my age - (or his age!) but i seem to be analyzing everything and have started to wonder what would happen if i couldnt have children. He wouldnt be up for exploring IVF -and now i wondering how i would feel about being only a step mum. I dont know what has happened to me in the past year - have been worrying and panicking about time but not doing much about it!

good, make sure he sticks to it!

i was very much afraid that i would not be able to carry a child to term, because of some medical issues i had a couple of years before. if it had not worked when we tried for DD, i do not think i would have been able to stay in the relationship in the end. DH and i would not have been good candidates for IVF or adoption. and i would have, simply, found it too hard to be a stepmother without being able to be a mother too.

knowing what i know now about how hard being a stepmum is, i definitely could not have done it while also coming to terms with being childless myself. my SCs were too old already for me to ever be a 'mum' to them, and sometimes that hurts...as a stepmum, and a fulltime stepmum, i do almost everything a mum does, and i love the kids. but sometimes it feels like no matter what, i will always be 'just' brdgrl. that can be tough, but having my own DD fills up that empty place.

if i couldn't have had DD, i probably would have chosen to make a good life for myself by focusing on the things i enjoyed as a single, independent person.

that's what i think - but of course it is impossible to know how it woudl have really worked out.