For those who have partners who were left by the Mother of their children...

[theredhen]

A question?

How well you do think your partner has come to terms with being a "part time" parent?

We have DSC about 70% of the holidays, every other weekend Friday after school to Monday school drop off and one night in the week from and to school.

I ask because I have always been sympathetic towards OH and him missing his kids but I am starting to think he is just clingy and insecure and unable to actually look forward and get on with life. I feel like he hasn't really accepted that his wife left and took the kids and he has to get on with life. He was very clingy towards me when we got together and wanted to be with me all the time he didn't have his kids and now I look back and see the red flags waving.

Some examples, he used to phone his kids twice a day, once being at 7am , once in the evening, he is now only allowed to phone once a day and he gets very distressed if he can't get through (kids often don't bother to answer the phone). He fits his evenings around this phone call. It doesn't matter how rude his kids are or if they spend all the time in their rooms when they are at our home, he still wants them more. It doesn't matter how long he has his kids for, it's never enough, sometimes he cries when taking them back. He won't go to parents evenings unless he gets to take the relevant child, therefore getting another precious hour or so with them. He goes sees them at activities when it's not "his" weekend, meaning I have to juggle appointments and chores around his kids every weekend (my DS fits in with me!). It's OK to leave my son at home alone and for us to do "couple" things but life has to go on hold when his children arrive meaning that we actually only get one day a fortnight realistically where we can go and do the mundane stuff that needs doing.

I never hear him talk of future plans, he has no ambition for his kids, simply wants to know they won't be far away when they are adults.

He wants me to find babysitters for my DS so we can go away, but would never sacrifice a contact day. Puts off work trips because he wouldn't see his kids for "his" day etc. etc.

I used to think this was all signs of being a "good, keen Dad" but I am seriously wondering now. My patience is running thin and I keep telling myself that I'm not being fair because I'm not in his position but I am a great believer in making the best of things and moving forward and I don't feel that he is doing this. His ex wife is incredibly controlling but I feel that he panders to her and she HAS this control because she knows how insecure he is.

Am I being really unfair? What are your partners like when they don't have their kids on "their" day?

The only advice I can give, and the best advice I received, to help see this from another perspectice is how would you feel if you only saw your DS every other week. I'v been there and it's hard but just remember he loves his children as much as you love yours... can you imagine not tucking your ds up every night or just hugging him every day - I used to tell myself that and it did help me to try and be more understanding...

Surely your DS fits in with you because he is with you all the time?

Hi Redhen

I really do think your DP?s behaviour is extreme. As much as my DH frustrates me with his Disney behaviour, it only takes place on access weekends, and when DSS isn?t with us, I think it?s ?out of sight, out of mind? with DH. They don?t seem to speak on the phone, there?s the occasional text, but that?s about it. He?s often said he wouldn?t want DSS to be with us full time (thank god).

However I do recognise the ?need to be needed? in him (which is only human nature to be fair) and his attempts at encouraging DSS to be independent, see friends, learn to drive etc are very half-hearted and I think he quite likes being DSS?s ?number one.?

But Redhen, it worries me that your DP has to speak to his children every day, organises his evenings around the calls, and sometimes cries when he takes them home. This is very unhealthy behaviour and I agree it?s clingy and insecure. I dread to think what?s at the bottom of all this.

What I mean is, if you saw your DS every other weekend and one day in the week, would you avoid arranging things on those days?

(but yes, he does sound OTT on the clingy front)

Can identify with quite a lot of what you say in your post, but do think your DP sounds like he's got himself kind of stuck in a rut where he's not got over the separation of his family, and is trying to stick it all back together again (albeit with you and DS in it in place of his DW).

We have similar issues with DP being reluctant to get a sitter, or make plans for time without his DCs in any of the time when he has them (which is every weekend - given he works the other 5 days of the week, that hardly leaves much). But this is something he's willing to discuss, and address at times, as long as I don't push for too much. And he's quite happy not to hear from the DCs when their with their mum - assumes if he's not heard from them then everything must be well.

Sounds also like your DP has a very narrow view of parenting, based around having his DCs in his house. As they become teens, and then leave home, he's going to find it hard to sustain this surely? What you say about the parents' evening sounds really odd - I would have thought that going to a parents' evening is a valuable part of being a good dad in its own right, whether or not the DC comes with him.

Could it be partly to do with his views of his ex though? I had a good friend who had his son 50% of the time and found the times without him really tough, worried about him, wanted to skype him, etc - a lot of this I think was to do with that fact that his DS's mum wasn't really doing a great job of parenting him (out with her mates, unable to collect as she was drunk, etc), and everything was being fought over in court, so it made him very anxious to want to be with his DS all the time. For myself, as a parent with an amicable relationship with an ex that I trust to look after my DCs OK, I don't think it's easy to identify with quite how stressful it is to have them away from you with someone who you don't trust.

I do understand that he misses his kids and I do try and turn it around and think how I would feel, but for example, when DS has been away with his Dad or on school trips, I feel no desire to phone him everyday, in fact, I would think it quite odd. As long as I know he is safe, I am fine.

His ex wife is very controlling but in lots of ways is a good parent, far too precious about her children, in my opinion, and you would think they were the only children in the world by the way she carries on. But I know DP has no worries about her going out partying or drinking or anything like that.

A few weekends ago, we just had DS and we had lots of errands to run, so after DP had been to see his kids, our plan was to go shopping and see some family and friends. DS asked if he could have a friend to stay and I said "No, not this weekend, how about next weekend?" DS had no problem with this and came along with us to do the things we had planned. We would never, ever plan to do anything for ourselves or with our friends or family when his kids are around unless it is to invite friends or family round for a meal. He has to be "available" for THEIR needs and our own needs are put aside. We rarely get a full day to do anything.

My DP always sees his kids on birthdays, Xmas, Fathers day etc. There was one birthday of DP's where we were told the kids had a highly infectious disease so instead of DP seeing them all day, his ex sent them round to us for a couple of hours. We have no way of knowing if they had that disease or not. That was years ago and he regularly brings it up about how nasty she was for keeping them away from him. He can't see the positive in anything but full time, 24 hour care for his kids.

But when they are with us, he rarely does anything with them as a "family" just acts as a taxi and a cook and picker upper.

He shows very little interest in their education (a bugbear of his ex's) and is always moaning about not being "allowed" to go to parents evenings, but I am sick of suggesting he go and see his kids teachers another time as his ex insists on taking the kids with her, or even send an e-mail to their teacher, but he never does, it's about him spending time with the child, not about taking an interest in their education.

I have issues with my ex and I get upset over things too, but I have learnt to accept that things are the way they are and I don't let it rule my life.

I think there is a fine line between "missing your kids" and feeling insecure about whether they love you or not. I also think this is what stops him from pulling the kids up on bad manners, entitled behaviour and rudeness too.

My DP can be a bit like this, he has to phone his dc every night, he has a contact order which he and his ex wife stick to rigidly and he will never deviate from. He also seems content to 'have' the kids with him, but not so keen on doing family stuff with them.
Now this is going to sound horrible but I do sometimes think that he sees the time he has his dc as a victory over his ex. He phones them because it pisses her off and is a constant reminder to her that he is their dad and not her new man (who she likes them to call dad ) It is sometimes more about scoring points over her than it is about spending quality time with his dc. He hates his ex wife and she hates him so anything they can do to annoy each other, they will do, regardless of the poor dc who are stuck in the middle.
I've tried and tried to make him see that this is why the dc are so difficult at times but I have given up. There ongoing war is their business and as long as it doesn't affect our relationship or my dc then I just keep my nose out.

Oh and I am so with you on the school thing. She won't let him go to parents evenings with her but he won't phone the school and make appointments of his own. His DS will be starting secondary in a year and he was furious that he wasn't allowed a say in what school he will go to. He is moaning about the school she has chosen, simply because it was her choice, when IMO it is a good school and the best option for SDS.
It is very hard and I have to bite my lip sometimes.

My DP has never really come to terms with being a part time parent and misses his kids - he really feels their absence, but they are teenagers now and the apron strings are getting looser..
He is a normal parent when they are with us though, and life has always carried on as usual whether they are there or not, if we've gone out we've got sitters - he and his ex have always had a civil relationship and been flexible and accomodating with the kids. If either of them needed to swap time around to accomodate work or trips away that has never been a problem and his ex has always been very fair. He finds them going on holiday without him difficult and worries about them, but not because he doesn't trust their Mum. He is not controlling or disney like and doesn't point score with his ex. The kids seem happy and well adjusted.
Much of what you have said OP I can identify with, but it does sound a bit excessive - the crying, fixation with phoning and refusal to do anything else when the kids are there are a bit much.

do you think DP is depressed?

Also, he needs to realise that when his kids get older they may go off to university, live abroad and he may not see them for months or even years at a time! It's not healthy if he is making leading them to think that they cant be far away from him, now or in the future. That would be completely stultifying to a child or young person and more likely to make them want to distance themselves further, I imagine.

I don't think he is depressed, in other ways he is happy enough, it's just like the kid issue is a big black cloud over his head the WHOLE time.

I also think sometimes he just wants to score points over his ex and remind her that he is their parent too. The more he tries, the more she controls the whole situation and the little dance goes round and round with me, DS and the DSC stuck in the middle.

I really want to be able to say to him to make some decisions about what he wants and doesn't want, about what he is prepared to accept and to learn to let go of the things he can't control, It seems to me, the warring and fighting just keeps each other constantly in the forefront of each others minds and I actually think this is what they both want. It's like they can't let go.

I sometimes think we have the same man theredhen!!
"It seems to me, the warring and fighting just keeps each other constantly in the forefront of each others minds and I actually think this is what they both want. It's like they can't let go."
I could have written that myself

Kaluki,

It's not nice is it? I get so fed up with just talking about HIS kids and HIS ex. Because I don't lurch from crisis to crisis I am not always banging on about my ex, I just accept things the way they are, am clear about what I won't accept and what I can "put up" with.

I don't think either my DP or his ex have been on their own long enough to be happy with their lot (DP had a few partners before I came along) and his ex has literally gone from one bloke to another within hours.

Kaluki, shall we get together with others in our position and send our DP's off to counselling and we can all go out and drink and talk about anything other than ex's?

That sounds like a plan!!!
I get so fed up with the drama too. Everything with them is a fight! I get on ok with my ex. We co-parent well and always put our dc first above our own feelings (we were rubbish as a couple but that's old news now and we both love our dc so we just get on with it)

It's funny how similar our situations are: dp had only a few flings before he met me and his ex jumped straight into living with her new man straight after she left dp for him.
They just can't let go of their hatred for each other

Pour me a glass of that would you? Dp and his ex loathe each other, and do the points scoring thing too. I know that love and hate are two horns on the same goat, and just wish they could both see how damaging their carry-on is to their dds.
Dp is getting much better, in fairness, but his ex spends a lot of time proclaiming w blissfully happy she is with her fiance, whilst at the same time she's thinkin about ways to wind up Dp....I just think that if she's that in love with her life now, why is she so fixated on what Dp (and me, to a slightly lesser extent) are up to?
sorry for hijacking, as you were...

here you go!!!
Silly thing is that they only end up hurting the people that matter the most - their dc! They can't hurt each other any more than they already have. It drives me insane. I used to try and be the peacemaker but got my head well and truly bitten off for my trouble so I leave them to it now and go deaf when he goes on and on and on about her.