Reintegration of estranged DSD

[NotaDisneyMum]

I'm probably way ahead of myself, but after DSD not only turned up here to collect her belated Christmas gifts yesterday, but also stayed an hour talking to DP, I've begun to think about the possibility of her becoming a part of our family.

Currently, she has no relationship with DP, myself or DD - and DSS openly admits that one of the reason he enjoys his time here with us is because DSD isn't here - he says he enjoys "getting away from her".

So, how do we go about integrating a 14 year old girl into a family with two other younger DC's that she has never previously been a member of? She opted out of visits and became estranged as soon as I came on the scene with DD - so we have no memories/experience of operating as a family.

I said the DP last night that it is probably unreasonable to expect DSD to discuss her absence up until now; in fact, I think she'd be horrified if she realised how long it was since she last spoke to DP. A lot of adults avoid discussing difficulties, let alone teens - I think the most we can hope for is that she is prepared to engage with us in the future.

The problem is that DSD seems to think that our life has been on hold while she's been gone. In that time, DP and DD have developed a fabulous relationship, as have DSS and myself - we have routines, traditions, family jokes and if she joins us, she will feel like an outsider to start with -which she will find difficult - particularly because one of the reasons she became estranged was because she didn't like the fact that she wasn't the centre of attention and put first all the time.

I'm wondering if it is too ambitious to think of that as a long term goal - perhaps it would be better if DSD visited us at times when DSS and DD weren't here? We could create a different family dynamic with her - more adult - and she would have DP's undivided attention, she wouldn't have to share him. It would also protect DSS time away from her.

What if you tried - as much as is possible, anyway - to split the time? So that some of her visits are when the other kids aren't around, and half when they are?

This would let you preserve some time with the other kids that is free from the stresses and tensions that are inevitable as she adjusts - and since (I assume) this reunion is still a fragile thing, offers somemeasure of protection to the other kids - while I understand that you and especially your DH will not want to approach this less than wholeheartedly, I think you do have to consider the impact on the other kids, especially if there is likely to be more drama or even another abandonment.

But on the other hand, visits with the whole family will help normalise things. I even think it is a good thing if she feels like an outsider at first. She needs to see that she hasn't stopped you all from being a family, and she needs to see what she's been missing....not as a punishment for havingstayed away, but so she can feel what works and is good about the whole thing, and hopefully that will help her to think on before she makes the same mistake. And over time, hopefully, she will be knitted back in naturally.

I get what you are saying brd; some one-to-one visits and some family visits were scheduled in the origional contact recital, but DSD soon opted out of both

I think that "feeling like an outsider" will be enough to demotivate her and she'll stop coming again. She has been incredibly angry that our life has carried on without her - she has commented viciously on FB when DP has mentioned something we have all done together, for instance and it is one of the things she bullies DSS about - he "isn't allowed" to talk about his life here, as she tells him that it is wrong for us to do things that she would enjoy without her. Typical self-centred teen!
Her current state of mind is that anyone who mentions the impact that her behaviour or actions have on other people are "in the wrong" because "they makes her feel guilty and she doesn't like that". There is no recognition on her part that her choices and behaviour have any consequence at all - it is all on other people; so if she feels left out at first, she will "blame" DP, me, DD and DSS, and vote with her feet again, I suspect.

oh dear. I see what you mean. I don't know what you can do, though. You can't just bend over backwards to create a fantasy for her, can you, where time stood still and she is the centre of the universe. And it doesn't sound like you can sit her down and have a frank discussion and ask her how you can help her feel less 'left out' given the circumstances. I just don't know what you can do except to start as you mean things to go on, and cross your fingers that she, deep down, knows how lucky she is to have this chance to put things right...

Sorry - no idea.

(DSD has a tendency to be like this - to expect that we don't have any 'fun' while she is away with her own friends - DH and I have joked with her that when she is not around the rest of us should sit in a darkened room! BUt obviously that is not the same scale!)

TBH - I'm more concerned about DSS and DD than about DSD. I haven't ever had the chance to bond with her, so she is, imo, behaving like spoilt brat whose behaviour is the inevitable consequence of poor parenting by both DP and her mother.

If it wasn't for the impact that it obviously has on DP, I would quite happily accept never seeing DSD again - but I can't imagine how I would feel if my own DD behaved in the way DSD has

I realise that some of DSD behaviour is typically teen, and not a consequence of the step- situation. I'm wondering if it will help me to read some of the self-help books for parents of teens; there's one "Get out of my life: but first take me and Alex into town" that sounds just like DSD

What does your DH think? I agree that you need to protect the other kids from any emotional fallout (well, again, as best you can!)

Just wondering if the best approach would be for the focus on her relationship with her dad at first, maybe small amounts of time with him and the very slowly integrate her to wider family time. S

She sounds a head strong girl who will not be willing to make amends or apologise so I guess that is something for now that you will have to accept - even if that is so very unfair.

smum that was my suggestion to DP last night - perhaps in a week or so he could call her and sees if she wants to meet up for coffee/milkshake, and maybe try and re-establish regular contact with her that way first. Then, after their relationship is on firmer territory, perhaps I could go along as well if she'll accept me - if she won't, then I can't see how their relationship can be anything other than superficial as we will be back where we started - DSD demanding that her Dad chooses either her or me

I suppose I'm just worried that DSD will just expect to waltz back into our lives and pick up where she thinks she left off and all the hard work we have put into building our family unit will be undone.

How is this going? Any updates?

I ask because I'm in a similar situation. Haven't seen 17 yr old SD for 6 months, since her dad and I told her it was unacceptable to a) not ask if she could use our home while we were away for a few days and b) let her drunken friends sleep in our (sm and her dad's) bed. Didn't ask us, didn't tell us, didn't even change the bedding out of decency. Her dad didn't support her "outrage" at being admonished and she spat the dummy. Disappeared. Ignored his attempts to contact her, refused an Xmas present, came over to say merry Xmas to her dad on the doorstep but ignored me and my own son.

I too would not bother if she never came back. Dh was at first flabbergasted at her truculent 6yr old's temper tantrum, was then upset, but is now quite relaxed about her realising that she's behaved badly, he loves her, would like to see her BUT she doesn't just float in, like nothing's happened without discussing her behaviour then, and in the following six months.

She is bright, popular, off to Uni in Sept 2012 by all accounts and has had utter devotion and loving support from dad since her mum's affair, which caused their divorce. She is not some tragic, abandoned child from a broken home, is my point. I came along years later. I love spending time with her siblings, I must add but frankly, I've tried as hard as I'm going to with this girl.

I feel for you. I really do.

Hi Dolly - no, all is silent again now that DSD has her "stuff"

The only update is that the feedback from DSS counselling has highlighted how badly DSD is bullying him at home - so his time here without her is really precious to him.
I plan to raise the issue with DP at some point and find out what his plans are...I'll let you know