I just cant win!

[lastroseofsummer]

Im just so fed up and frustrated. DP's ex just seems to wait around until she finds something else to complain about. Latest (I mentioned some of this previously in another post) is complaint regarding christmas gifts for DP's DD.

Ex on christmas eve, queried with DP regarding what I had bought their DD, ie pyjamas as she had bought some and she didnt want to have doubled up on them - DP told her not to worry DD could wear them at his house. Didnt know what the issue was with having a fift of more than 1 pair?

Anyway she is still going on about it - apparently she feels that I spent too much on her dd at christmas (£100 between cash and gifts adn 1/5 what I spent on my own) and had "showed herself and DP up".

I cant win, if I didn make an effort with dd that would be a fault also.

I dont know why this is bothering me so much, its just its non stop with her, might be ok for a few days/weeks and on one occasion months but there will always been something with her. Its either that myself and DP are in same wine bar as her having a drink or he is playing "happy families" with myself and my DP to the detriment of his own etc etc.

I have never responded to anything she has done, thought it would just fuel it but honestly think I should just call her and ask her what her problem is.

DP was quite firm with her during the last round of complaints and told her that my generosity had not shown anyone up or made anyone look like shit - the he was glad he met someone that was good to his daughter and was trying to build a relationship with her and all the more to her benefit that I was generous.

I dont know why this one thing is bothering me so much but I just feel LIVID!!.

Can you just reduce the opportunities she has to voice all her complaints? Agree it sounds like you can't win. Can you remove yourself from the firing line so that she can she keep her contact direct with DP (unless there's some emergency or something) and focussed on practical things to do with their DD? Eg get a phone that tells you who's calling and let him answer it, etc.

Disengange disengage disengage as much as you can.

Sorry you're going through this.

purple she does all this via DP. She has never met me - her choice - hell will freeze over before she does apparently. Myself and DP split up previously due to what I felt was his reluctance to tackle her on issues.

One of the conditions in place when we got back together was that we spoke to each other about absolutely everything to do with his ex as at times she can be poisonous.

I have tried to see everything from her point of view and in fact i have went out of my way to speak really positively about her to her daughter, i.e. about how difficult it can be to be a mummy and how she must be doing a great job etc as she (dd) is lovely.

I just wonder if tackling her myself might be the best thing. Just call her up and ask her what the problem is. DP is in the process of divorcing her and is talking of future plans with me so I envisage it getting alot worse!!

What is her problem? why cant she just move on?

Because you are with her ex and in her dd's life.
It is hard for both parties to move on irrespective of who started the break up.
I honestly think you should cut her some slack, she is the mum and you are the girlfriend at the moment and she probably feels a little jealous its totally normal.
Just remember that she isn't an awful person but its hard for mum to know that there is another woman caring for their child.
I am a step mum so this isn't a horrible response I am on the same team. I just think you need to remember that she has to let go of a lot of things and divorce is a huge trauma for a lot of people. Just cut her some slack.

subar thanks for your thoughts and sympathies. What bothers me is that its her dd who will suffer. I want a relationsip with her dd, she is a lovely teenager, full of life and hormones and all the other stuff that make them up at that age!! Hard work sometimes but well worth the effort.

I know her mum isnt that bad of a person or her dd would not be so gracious, however, her mother is making it very difficult to know what is the right and wrong way to behave.

I didnt think £100 was ovely alot to spend, I think the issue was that she and DP spent just over that each on her -i didnt know this - i just bought what I thought she would like (i had been putting stuff away for months for her). I didnt realise it was a competition.

I just wonder what it will be next with her. She started giving out to my DP regarding my my own dd and him spending time with us etc. Whats next?

I would have thought that if she doesn't want to speak to you, then no matter how tempting it may be it's unlikely to be helpful to ring her up and ask her what the problem is - unless you just want a screaming row to make you feel better!

Can your DP limit the time he talks to her, and keep it really functional?

Her problem is obviously that she's not over the split yet. To get over the split, she's probably trying to convince herself that her ex is rubbish, it was all his fault, no sane woman would want him, etc, etc - and you being with him rather contradicts that, so she's going to resent you. Maybe it will get easier once the divorce is finalised.

she was dating someone herself. I think he finished it - from what dp has been told anyway. They have been separated for nearly 3 years now and DP is keen to divorce asap.

I know what you mean Too much but i have been cutting her slack for ages now, we actually used to avoid certain places so we wouldnt run into her and upset her. I feel the more I give the more she asks for.

you could well be right purple its just so frustrating. She blames me for her marriage breakdown even though she knows that its untrue an unfair.

I have told DP that I think its best just to keep any conversations to a minimum and if there is any unpleasantness just cut the conversation altogether.

I personally think she doesnt want to divorce, he was the one who wanted to separate though to be fair it had been very bad for a while from what i gather.

What is it she wants? oh she frustrates me no end!!

I think you have to ignore the specific issues as they aren't actually the problem - i.e it's not about £100 on presents or whatever the rant is about.

She has a problem with you (or anyone else) being in her dd's life - fullstop. We've had a few posts on this, one thread ran for a while about a mum hating the thought of a stepmum in her child's life. There was also the infamous dailymail article so it seems to be a common female emotion or reaction.

I don't get it however and can't relate to the emotions at all (my dd has a stepmum so I have been through this). It's alien to me and I can't relate to the hostility.

For your own sanity you do need to detach as this isn't something that you can fix by changing YOUR behaviour (as long as you are being generally considerate). That's an important point, we did everything we could to placate DH's ex for years but she would still act like an exploding bomb over minor issues and I finally realised that our best approach was not to react to her behaviour. If she rants DH doesn't even attempt to justify. She is now in the honeymoon phase with a new b/f and as she is happy, zero rants..all very friendly. If the relationship goes wrong the ranting will start, we now realise the pattern but it has been 12 long years!

You don't cause the ex's reaction, she is likely to be very unhappy and is lashing out. 2 things may happen - 1) She will get through the divorce and come through the other side and eventually feel happier. 2) She will never get over the issues and continue to lash out.

I hope that it is the former but be prepared for the second!

dont give her a second thought. I would just detach and carry on doing what you think is best for your DP and for your DSD. The ex shouldnt even feature. If you call her up it will give her carte blanche to keep moaning on for the rest of your life about any reason she has found to be unhappy - you are sure to be the cause. She maybe the mother of your DSD but in reality she doesnt need to feature in your life. Let her live her life and you get on with enjoying yours.

thanks to all for your replies. I honestly dont know why this last thing has upset me so much, normally I just ignore her but its just relentless to be honest.

I dont seem to have much luck with boyfriends and their ex's to be honest but I do love this man. We split before as i found the whole situation to be so stressful. Im determined this time to carry on as normal which is why I am so annoyed with myself for getting so annoyed over this if you see what i mean .

She will go mental I think when we marry - whats worse though is that I now am nervy regarding how I behave with dsd. I dont think her mum would have a go at her regarding me but I dont want to risk it either.

For instance, today a friend asked if I would like to go on a shopping trip on saturday with her, friend is consumate bargain hunter and my first thought was, wonder if dsd would like to come along. My own daugther is still too young so wouldnt be into a day of shopping and anyway her dad has her this weekend. I then thought - no best not ask - dont want her mum getting narked again.

It really shouldnt be this way. Have discussed all above, including your kind insightful comments with DP and think the best thing to do is just tell the ex very politely that unless she feels her child is being harmed in any way then really she should allow DP to decide what dsd does/receives with/from me on an ongoing basis.

I think tbh she may well be depressed, she had previously lost alot of weight and apparently has piled it all back on again, generally let herself go apparently, but then who wouldnt get down in her circumstances I suppose.

Ah I dont know what is best to do. Dont think calling her will do anygood so agree with you there. Dont know what will though.

Probably nothing that's within your power to change, so best just to get on with your own life. She might sort her own life out in time, but you're probably not the person who's able to help her do it.

Shame if you don't feel you can ask DSD shopping though - maybe you could ask her when you see her, even if it's short notice, as might make her less likely to mention it to her mum?

As I keep saying to my DP, you can't change the way the ex is, but you can change the way you react to her shenanigans.

Do your best to live your life as you would if she didn't exist and every time you catch yourself unable to make a decision because of the fear of the repercussions, ask yourself what you would do if she was taken out of the equation.

It sounds that whatever you do, it will never be right and she has her own insecurities and issues that she is trying to make "your" problem. Don't let her do it.