Mum has new bf, DSD thinks she doesn't love her any more :(

[MissIngaFewbaubles]

This is the worst thing DSD has ever told me :(

Her Mum has a new bf, they have been seeing each other for around 5 months from what DSD (8) has said. She introduced him as her bf to DSD around 3 months ago, he had been around before that a bit as Mummy's friend.

Anyway, a couple of days ago DSD said that she was really upset, she feels ignored by her mum as she is always talking to the new bf and kissing him in front of her. We 've tried to reassure her that of course mummy loves her but what the heck do we do?

Anyone?

We can't talk to her mum about this, or anything really. If DH or I attempt any kind of conversation with her either he is 'trying to control her' or I am 'sticking my nose in her business'. Apparently even though I've known DSD for 5 years one she is 'not my concern'

Just keep reassuring her.

I think it's quite normal for children to feel this way when their parent gets a new partner. Hopefully the mother isn't 'ignoring' her daughter, but she's bound to feel jealous.

Is this the first boyfriend her mum has had?

oh, and talk about the different types of love.

I was trying to explain the difference between romantic love and motherly love to my eldest. I was saying that it's a totally different kind of love, it's like you have two hearts . And one can't take anything away from the other, etc etc

I wonder if she felt the same when her dad met you.
Poor little girl.

You can tell your DSD that her mum does love her just as her dad loves her and loves you too.
She will get used to it, it is hard for a child to suddenly have to share a parent but something she will have to adapt to.

Thanks Hecate, it isn't the first bf she's had. She had a partner for 3.5 years who moved in with them but they split up in the middle of last year. DSD had got very attached to him over time and was very upset when he moved out. This wasn't helped by her mum being very upset and angry (screaming, crying, throwing things etc) in front of her. I do understand that break ups are hard but surely you try to save the worst for when they're not around?

The reason I mention the way she acted then is that she does have a tendency to try and treat DSD as a friend sometimes and put herself first. I really hope it's not the case and that DSD is over-reacting (like 8yos do) but it is concerning and I wish I could make it better for her.

Um, thanks Flopstar, perhaps she did but that's not helping me help her now is it?

I once read that 7 or 8 is a difficult to age to introduce change of this time to a child. It's natural that she feels jealous however all you can do is reassure her and over time she will feel more confident.

I don't think you need to raise anything with the ex - you could ask dsd if she feels able to talk to her mum herself. Encouraging her to express her emotions positively will be helpful to her.

Good idea smum, there's no way we can raise it, but maybe we can empower DSD to talk to her mum herself. We just weren't sure whether to encourage her to try in case her mum gets angry with her about it.

The only person who will convince you DSD that her mum loves her is her mum so I think it would be good to show some empathy while also encouraging DSD to tell her Mum how she's feeling.

We had a similar situation with my DP's eldest a year ago. She's a bit older than your DSD and felt upset that she was having to share her mum. To be honest I do think most children feel like that when a new partner is introduced :(

However if its a stable positive relationship (between all parties kids/mum/bf) those feelings will subside quite quickly. Fingers crossed.

X-post with smum. Couldn't agree more.

I think that you can reassure her without making too much of this. Like smum and origami have said - it is a normal thing and with time and a bit of reassurance, she will be fine.
I think talking to her about the different types of love is a good idea, and also about love being something that expands to reach new people, rather than a finite resource to be used up.
She may also be worried about her own attachment to a new person, if she was upset by the previous breakup, and that could be making her more anxious and less willing to accept the idea of a new bf.

One more thing - I'd try to resist (and I'm not saying that you have done this of course!) 'siding' with her...don't say anything critical of her mum, which might reinforce her feeling that something is wrong but rather keep the focus on her own feelings, IYSWIM. After all, you can't change the fact that the mum has a new BF who she understandably wants to be affectonate to and spend time with, but you can help DSD see that this is not a threat to her.

My DSS announced last Christmas that he didn't want his dad to love me. In the way only DCs can, he made this proclamation as we were taking our seats in the cinema!

I don't remember much about the film, but DP talked to him afterwards and unsurprisingly it turned out that DSS thought that if DP loved me, then he would love DSS less.

Now, he's a lot more settled, but he will never be 100% happy with my place in his dads life I don't think

Other DCs (like my DD) seem to accept step-parents really well - I think it's more to do with the DCs temperament than the relationship between parent, step-parent and child, tbh