Would you recomend keeping seperate houses,....?

[fireflymouse]

Hi I've noticed a lot of you say how you long for your own space and wish you'd kept your own house so you had somewhere to go back to when skids get too much. Just wondering whether this is something most feel or do the benefits of living together out weigh the negatives?? thanks in advance

I definitely wish I'd had the money to keep my own flat. If you can afford I would keep the escape option open. Not saying you should not give it a go, but some days it will be too much and it is good to find some space. There are benefits of living together but time apart is not always a bad thing.... I think.

It must depend on many things.
Do you mean if money were no object? No children together etc?

Yes I'm not talking about from a monetary point of view, talking more sanity! We also do have one child together but couldn't find big enough house in local area so did not move in together at that time, also couldn't sell mine, and then time has gone by and I am now reluctant to give up my little house which I saved for so long for......IF it will be a mistake and the joint house will not feel like my home...?

I had a huge wobble a few weeks ago when I thought that DP was still emotionally attached to his ex - had I had my own house still, I would have run - no doubt about it
As it was, we worked it out

Saying that - I do wonder if things would be different with DSD had I not moved in, or at least been able to go elsewhere when DSD visited - it was difficult, but not impossible, until then

To be honest we keep separate houses and we've been together 15 years despite having two children together. I can honestly say that the only disadvantage is monetary in that you are running two households. The kids don't know any different and they really enjoy it (Mum's house rules and structure, dad's house chaotic boys club where they get to see their older step brother).

The great thing for me is that the three of them will decamp to DPs house for the weekend giving me some alone time to regroup. The only benefit of living together as far as I can see is the shared costs and I think the advantages of living a apart really far out weigh that.

I think I would actually go crazy if I couldn't look forward to a couple of DP free nights a week and it's not as if he's a difficult person or anything. We're just people who really need our own space sometimes

I often long for two houses, one for me, DSS and DS and the other for (sometimes not quite so D) P .

I can't really imagine it any other way than all living together but I can sure see the appeal. I wouldn't let convention or social pressure put you off, if you want to keep the house then keep it. Better a safety net you get rid of later than regretting selling and not being able to undo it.

DD and I moved in with DP and his kids when she was six months old.

If we could have afforded to do it, I would have stayed on my own. It worked well for us...just couldn't keep paying for it. :( I still miss my own house, and honestly, I feel like I was a better mother then; definitely my relationship with DP was less stressed.

I'm nearly 40 years old and can honestly say one of the happiest times of my life was when living separately but together with DP.

Since moving in, I can say I have had times which have ranked pretty high up on the unhappiest of times in my life.

Positive things;

More money.
Nice not having to pack bags to go between houses.
It makes other people see you as a "couple" rather than just boyfriend and girlfriend.
Being able to have a cuddle everynight.
Less planning.
Having someone to share mundane chores.

Negative things;

There is only one negative as far as I'm concerned but it's a biggie!

Having to share the crap that step parenting and dealing with a difficult ex and Disney Dad brings. The effect it can have on your life when you realise you have very little control and influence over things that affect you directly on a daily basis is terrible for destroying your self esteem.

I've decorated this house, I've got all my things here, my DS has his own room, but I doubt it will ever feel like my home until I feel I have a say in what goes on here, a REAL say, not just what to cook for dinner or what colour emulsion to slap on the walls.

DP would have finished the relationship eventually if I hadn't moved in, I think he is bothered about what other people think a lot more than me. If I had a straight choice, I would say I should have stayed put.

Me and DP live some distance apart and have seperate houses. All of our children are settled in school and as he shared parents moving is not an option. It works well for us and we do spend most weekends together either at mine or his depending on what the DC are doing. Fortunately our DC all get along well, but I do suspect that is because they are not forced together 24/7. As we are both older, there is no prospect or desire for us to have any more children together. It also helps that we both get along well with our exes.

I do miss him when he isnt here though. But we will be keeping two houses until all our children have left home. At which time we hope to sail off into the sunset together

redhen, Ohhhhh, that would be my list. I am at a stage where I am seriously considering getting my own place again for exactly the reason you mention.

Dexter, interested to hear how that works for you - how do you manage the day to day care of DCs and finances?

Wow a lot of very useful information and voicing the exact concerns i have! Dexter that sounds ideal to me and how i hope things can be for us...brdgrl that is how i feel things might be for us too. Red hen your list is exactly what is going on in my mind, and as his children are older i think if we maybe put off moving in for another year I wont have to deal with it and I can carry on liking the skids as occasional visitors if i knew they would be descending on me eow i know i would be dreading those times (not because i disslike them just i like my own space) so maybe i have answered my own question really. We also feel the couple thing too though and would like to be living together as a family but then at what cost? If it causes too much stress i will end up walking ( with nowhere really to walk to.....) I just know. Elastamum it sounds like it has worked fine for you!

And I'm also interested to hear how others then share care of dc and finances? We have managed finances quite fairly according to income i think but i do wonder if we lived together if dp would realise child care is as much his job as it is mine but thats not a big enough problem for me to warrant moving in with him plus its probably something a lot of mothers complain about anyway even with partners living together.

Keep your own house. Trust me.

just stumbled on this thread..crikey overall census seems to be keep seperate houses..just when im thinking of asking my partner and his daughter to move in with me...is it really that bad?! am i being naive? might have a rethink!

Robina, welcome - what you see on here are the problems so I'm sure some blended families work out well but before you commit it would be worth knowing some of the typical issues and think about 1) If they are deal breakers for you 2) Could you and your partner manage to resolve problems effectively

Alot depends on your partners situation - does he have a good relationship with the ex/Is she a reasonable person? That seems to be a key factor. My dp moved in with me and my dd BUT my ex is fair/reasonable/even likeable so any issues always resolved amicable.However DH's ex is a difficult person and whilst he divorced her, I now have that difficult person in my life. No way I can avoid it as I'm his DSS's stepmum.

A second factor is your's partner parenting - can he discipline effectively/is he willing to tackle parenting issues/do you both share the same parenting values?
Lastly - how relaxed are you with the additional responsibilities you will be taking on. It will be more expensive, more stressful with a child that isn't yours and you are likely to have less free time.

The plus side is you spend more time with your dp - but if that time is spent arguing about the difficulties then it's not so good:)

Lots of here have experience, both good and bad so feel free to enter into the debate.

You might want to stop referring to them as "skids" because that is really rather foul.

My DH has said that things started to go wrong when we moved in together. He had his kids and I had mine (and they were with me constantly).
His kids resented him being with other kids full time and it caused a lot of problems and they don't like visiting their father - in fact lame excuses made a lot and oldest one (17) doesn't bother at all now.
If their father still had his own place this would not have happened.
My own kids resent their step-father a lot too and I wonder how it would have panned out if I continued to have me and kids in our own house.
With hindsight me and DH were very selfish as we wanted to be together and I reckon we would have been just as happy living apart (maybe!)

SoupDragon - I really don't think any offence is meant by "skids". I had to stop and think for a moment what you meant by "foul" but speaking for myself I always think of this as a time saving abbreviation for step-kids, and read it, in my head as "s-kids", and not as "skids".

Dito catsmother no offence intended by 'skids' just abbreviation i picked up on here!
I will maybe put the hyphen in it next time if it causes offence...

No.

I visit my mum when I need some space but that's rare. I love living with DH and I love living with my stepsons. However, we moved to a new house when we started living together so there was a fresh start there. DH isn't a Disney dad and has treated me as a co-parent from the beginning. I discipline them and I make decisions.

Maybe if I'd had kids myself or if DH was a Disney dad/less respectful towards me but even then I'm sure I'd have made it work.