Opinions wanted- private school for one child?

[sendintheclowns]

Just wanted to get other opinions on this please, we have yet to make a decision and not an easy subject to discuss with people in RL.

My DH has 3 teens from his previous marriage. They are great, and as I have been with DH for nearly 10 years. they have pretty much grown up with me around- we get on very well. We also have a DS of our own (3yo) and are not planning to have any more.
DH's older DC went to a lovely local primary and then on to an extremely good comp which they all love and are very settled at-big friendship circles etc. Both schools have been fab over the years.

We have begun to think of schools for our DS. Our two most local primaries are not great, both ofsted wise but also just from the feeling I got when we looked around- I dont go much on Ofsted but do like to get a feel for the place. DH and I are now in a place financially where although it would be fairly tough, we could probably afford one set of private school fees. We feel we may like to pursue this for DS.
The thing is, ordinarily I would disagree with privately educating just one sibling (unless there was a really good reason). But the age gap between the children is big- financial circumstances do change over the years, the SDC are very happy at their school and are coming up to important stages there so even if we could afford fees for all 4 dc (totally not an option!) I am sure they wouldn't want to move and neither would their mum. There is just a niggle at the back of my mind.
I should say that if we did choose to go down the private route for DS, it would not affect any payments we already make for the SDC (which have risen in line with whatever DH earns over the years). We also currently try to save little and often for all the DC's future which would continue.

Has anyone else been in this situation or got any suggestions?

I should clarify that DSC don't live with us- see us alternate weekends usually, though as they get older its becoming a bit more flexible- they live with their mum who has residency.

I would any chat it through with the older kids maybe. but realistically they couldn't of gone and your.child Can and if you think it will benefit him then you have to do what's best. there's no point sending him to a school you don't like just for fear of upsetting the others.

also if they are settled and happy then they would most likely not want to leave anyway.
if you are set on continuing to support your dsc in the same way you already are then i see no problem with it x

I don't see why not really. Your DS only has one of the same parents as your DSC anyway - so your own influence/priorities/money are all going to make a difference to your DS that it obviously didn't to the DSC. And like you say, the choice of state schools is different for your DS than it was for them. I don't think most children who go to state schools wish they were at private, unless they're having a really rough time or something.

Agree I'd talk it though with the DSC - and emphasise that the difference is because of money that you're bringing to the family and a different choice of state primaries, and won't affect the amount of support your DP gives to his older DCs.

My DP's DCs are all at private schools and my two aren't - fair enough, he supports his DCs, and I support mine (we don't have any joint DCs). They are close in age so it has arisen on a few ocassions when his have said things along the lines of their schools being better (which they demonstratably are in terms of facilities, etc). We've managed so far not to make a big deal of it though. And local state schools mean my DCs have many more local friends, which I hold up to them as an example of the benefits they have.

I agree it shouldn't be a problem however do you think it would cause issues? Do you work and therefore are contributing to school fees?

We are likely to have a similar situation in a few years and our ds may go to a private secondary school. DSS is at a state school which isn't brilliant although rated well by ofsted however DH wasn't allowed to be involved in schooling for DSS as his mother felt it was entirely her choice.

For me it's about choices - I work in a demanding job and DH & I are prepared to forgo holidays to send DS to a private school, this would not have been DSS's mum's choice even if she and DH stayed together.

Have you thought about when/ if the older kids will be going to university? Personally I think if you are paying XXX for your DS school fees, it is only fair the others should also get XXX for uni fees.

Thanks for the responses. TMIL We would certainly talk to the older DSC and although I don't envisage it to be a problem, if they did seem uncertain I guess it would give us more to think about. They are all (in a lovely way) wrapped up in their friends, social life and even school, and almost act like extra parents to DS. Sibling rivalry is not an issue.
Purpleroses-I can see how it would make a difference if all the children were a similar age. It's great that you've managed not to let it become an issue.
Smum99- yes I do work and contribute- and same situation for us in that DSC mum wouldn't change their schools, even if it was an option money-wise and age-wise.
TLLAIR: yes the future has crossed my mind. I think I'd assumed that we would continue putting what we could aside for all 4 children for uni/savings etc- however we couldn't put aside the same amount that we would spend on DS on his schooling- as that would equate to paying 4 lots of school fees.

We did exactly that.

We couldn't get DD into any of the primary schools near us and she wasn't going to go to the one she was allocated. Never mind the fact that we couldn't sort out childcare to fit around it due to our commutes at the time.

So she went private for 2 years until we moved. The DSS's had always gone to state schools and were all in schooling at the time.

We did tell them what we were doing and also pointed out that they wouldn't lose out in any way and that my parents were helping towards the fees.

We had the odd comment (which was being fed to them by their mum). But the eldest DSS did point out to his brothers that I worked full-time unlike their mum and so was paying her fees. He also reminded them that I had always worked full-time to make sure that they had extras such as holidays abroad which were the only ones they had had.

I think it helped that we offered to pay for the youngest DSS to have special tuition for his dyslexia, so they realised that we weren't intending to deprive them of any thing.

So they were accepting of the whole idea and DH didn't feel any guilt at all.

That's interesting Sushiqueen. Your eldest DSS sounds lovely! DH and I have tried to be open and honest with the DSC from an appropriate age about how the finances work. Not in a 'you should be grateful' way, but without going into too many details, our CSA payment was calculated on abnormal payslips and we do pay a bit more than we should 'officially' thought DH is happy to do so of course, all the time we can manage it. So it used to make him quite sad when the DSC would come raving about their shopping spree for clothes, the new consoles, the various extra-curricular stuff they do (and they do a lot)! and it was always 'mum took us here, there, etc etc' and then they considered their time with us a completely separate entity- so the fact that dad contributed to the financial aspect of their lives did not really register.
Now, they are far more aware of the fact that although we don't live with them full-time, we also are part of the nice things they do/receive.

Holidays are a tricky one I have found. We have all gone on holiday together- tends to be uk holidays, but are lovely. We have taken DS abroad though- and on that occasion just could not afford the prices for three extra. However, it happens that in our situation, the DSC go on holiday numerous times a year- mostly abroad, with their mum. So in my mind, that is different than if they rarely went away.