hiding from the SCs - how to improve situation?

[stopthemadness]

Hi all, as a new (ish) SP - this talk page has helped to let me know I am not alone! I have tried everything to be a good SP, helping with homework, days out together etc etc. But the SCs are so incredibly rude, throwing tantrums, spoiled, greedy etcetc. DH tries so feebly to control them but years of no discipline and him not wanting to upset them on their weekends with him mean that it is a losing battle. I have taken to escaping the house when SCs arrive... not a good basis for a family life. I don't know what to do, it gets me down so badly.

I understand where you are coming from OP.

I have found it incredibly difficult to be a step-mum, especially since the wayward DSS has come to live with us about a year ago.

All I can suggest is to try talking to DH (you will have to be very gentle and diplomatic with him), and to assert your autority in the household (DSC will behave by your rules or be punished by you, and no your DH is not allowed to undermine you).

Thanks for the advice, I have tried talking to DH. He talks to the kids but never ever actually disciplines them - lots of threats no action. They are not rude to me (yet) but I find being in their company when they are so awful to DH just too much. I know it must be hard for them, but they are making our lives miserable. Usually we just cannot wait for the weekends without them which is not a good place to be. DH is really upset that I won't get involved with the SCs anymore but I kind of felt I had no option

How old are the SCs? Does your DH know how to discipline the DCs? i.e does he define rules in advance and have known sanctions (removal of phone, PC time, games etc). I know a lot of dads are disney dads (and I have one) but I also know that my DH feel very uncomfortable with sanctions as he doesn't do it on a regular basis. However once he follows through on behaviour issues he feels pleased with the 'success' and so more confident to repeat it.

It's not perfect and at times I run away take time out (for my own sanity) at the Skids weekend. DH would prefer I didn't BUT it's the only way I can survive it.

Good point from smum - it does seem to get easier for the Disney Dads with practice. What is your DH's attitude when you talk to him about it?

I think you should stop hiding and start speaking up. But I am a bit of a hypocrite saying so, as I have found this very difficult. I used to hide from my DP's kids all the time; when I went round to his I spent most of the time in his bedroom. We are married now and all living together, and I don't do it so much anymore - but I still catch myself at it. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like my home. :(

bdrgrl I know what you mean... definitely does not feel like my own home at times. Smum they are 12 and 16 - old enough to know how to behave. DH does not discipline. He shouts or "has a good talk" with them, but my advice to stop treats, keep them home, no TV etc etc is just ignored. Disney Dad sums it up. they don't respect the house, leave things al over the place, dirty underwear on the floor, won't flush the loo. i mean I sound so petty but when it is your house and they are not your kids it just drives you mad. As they are older I don't do any disciplining as they would not listen. The sad thing is I really thought we were making progress. I was doing loads with the SCs, we were getting on well. And now.... well we have gone backwards with me pretending to be ill and hiding in my room. I suppose there is no solution but it is really helpful to have people that understand as none of my friends are SPs.

Hi, this comes up time and again, it is so hard because we don't know what will be an issue til we are living with it and it is hard to sort out whilst in the midst of it all.

I posted on a previous thread about sitting down with DP and have a full on meeting about house rules, consequences, praise, rewards. You need to agree the rules. I suggest at the ages of the children having a meeting with them too, so they can input, but it is vital you and partner need to be speaking with one voice, so you need to get your position sorted first.

You are not being petty, in our house the rule is we put the loo lid down, we put our shoes in the right box, we put toys away, we switch lights off, we put washing in washing basket. These are not extreme standards, this is how our home works. But it took a lot of work for me and my DP to agree these things - he was strict on some things, me on others. We had to talk it all through and agree. I suppose our saving grace was in terms of how to get kids to do things we agree - rules, sanctions, rewards and consistency. So we just had to negotiate/compromise on the actual rules. Also my DP can be a bit slack at first then too tough second time, whereas I am a teacher by trade so used to being tediously inflexible consistent, we had to practice being more similar (and I had to lighten up at times).

If you cannot do this, or if your partner refuses to even discuss any meaningful discipline etc, you may have a major problem.

It is also wrong that you can't discipline, this is where the house rules works - it is then a case of 'this is how it is' rather than you telling them off. Your partner should back you up so they know if you tell them it is exactly the same as him telling them.