Im dating a great dad..but...

[sam97]

Hii. I posted a couple of months ago. Have been with my boyfriend 3 years, he co parents his 6 year old daughter with her mum who lives down the road. His daughter spends half the time with her mum and half with her dad and she seems a very happy kid and we get on well.

The problem is - I've never spent more than 24 hours together with my boyfriend, just the two of us! In three years!! I think that?s odd! But when I bring that up he says 'we spend lots of time together' and its true we go out for dinner or the cinema or go see a band when he doesn't have his daughter and we have a lovely time..but we've never gone away together, just the two of us. His daughters mum has started seeing someone new and they are always going away together and im jealous. I crave a holiday with my boyfriend! Surely it cant be that hard to sort out a weekend away..but he just wont make the time. And I know he is a great dad, and I know he does the best he can with his time and resources with me, but I cant help but feel frustrated! And I feel like bit of a mug to be honest. I give most of my spare time to him and his daughter. I think about having kids myself, I'm mid thirties and sometimes I get weepy when I think I am investing my time in a relationship that is a bit unbalenced. I always thought the father of my child would be with someone who I shared a lot of time with! And when I say this to him he says ? well lets try for a baby then and I think are you nuts?!! I know he would be a great dad as he is one already ? but we don't even live together and he says if we lived together we would have more time together - which is true - but I have my reservations as again im not quite ready to move in with him and his daughter without spending more time with him first..so have kind of put myself into a catch 22 situation and am getting frustrated and resentful.am I overanalysing? Is this how it is when dating a dad who coparents? ...hmmmm..any advice/opinions?

I think the problem is that you aren't living with him after 3 years together.
If you aren't ready now, will you ever be? What are your reservations?
You can't have it all ways - you are on the sidelines of his life because you have put yourself there. If you want to be able to spend 24 hours together on your own you will have to move in with him.

I think you haven't moved in with him because you know you won't be a priority to him. If you're not now, the likelihood is that he will take your presence for granted when you move in.

One of the worst things about living together is feeling like you get the "leftovers" so when he's not busy with work or kids, then you get some time and then it's easy for it to be just lazing in front of the TV isn't it? Which isn't really quality time together.

On the other hand, I do think it's a bit chicken and egg though, maybe it would be better if you moved in because you could just do everyday things together? Which might make you feel more "part of things".

Maybe you could try and temporary move in and see how things go? Is there anyway you could do this while still keeping your own home available to go back to if need be?

Also, if he co-parents his daughter 50% of the time, why is his ex getting weekends away but your DP is not?

his ex will arrange for babysitters or ask my partner to look after his daughter. He doesnt like to rearrange the schedule as he doesnt like to disrupt his routine with his daughter...or put out his ex in anyway....

i could try the living with them both idea. But i think like you said i would have to ensure that we made plans to do things together rather than things just becoming complacent. I do find the dynamics of the relationship very hard and i like having my own place to run to when i sometimes want to cry and shout.

Oh I wish I'd kept my own place to run to .........

I think you're right to try and get more time for just the two of you before you move it. I'm not living with my DP yet but we have had a week together this year and last, and a couple of weekends. I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask for a few weekends together with just the two of you - I think you need that time to focus on being a couple, which can get rather lost if you're busy being parents all the time.

Does his ex never take the DD away for a few days? If she's 6 now, and they worked out the living arrangements when she was 3 (or less) then maybe the pattern they've developed is of lots of frequent contact, which you need for toddlers, but now that she's 6 she could probably cope well with longer periods at each house - eg half of each week at each and alternate weeekends at each, which ought to give you longer periods of time together without having to disrupt the schedule.

It would worry me if my DP was as oblivious as yours sounds to be to the needs to invest some time and energy in a relationship.

seriously?! sometimes i wonder if im being incredibly selfish as ive worked so hard to get my own place - that is peaceful! im just not quite ready to share it with father and daughter and the all the issues with the ex etc....i should be embracing..but i cant quite yet...and am not sure what will change that will make me want to embrace. I find it all quite confusing really!

I was with my DP but unsure about the future of the relationship, mostly because we had issues around the parenting of his children and the shape of their homelife - which meant that I was reluctant to live with them all. I did know that I very much wanted to have a child, and was committed to doing that in the next few years - without him, frankly, if need be. I would rather have been a single parent than move in with him as things were.
Making long story short - I had DD but we continued to live separately until I felt he was really committed to making some major changes to make life together possible. It still feels like a struggle a lot of the time, honestly, and I have days where I just long for my own place with DD again.

It sounds like you are at a place where you need to really examine what you want out of life and whether you are likely to get it. As redhen has said - it is easier to take you for granted, and easier for other things to eat away at your precious time together - when you are living in the same house. If you feel dissatisfied in that regard now, I would try to change it before moving in together, and if you can't change it - don't move in.

I fight tooth and nail for 'couple time' with my now-DH. We don't get anything like enough of it and it is a serious problem in the relationship. We do try to have a 'date' every week, and for a while we were doing well at that, but have really slipped.

On the positive side, we do go away together; we have had a long weekend away without the stepkids at least once a year since we got together. It still doesn't feel like enough - especially since I was an avid traveler before we got together - but it is something. If that slipped, I'd be gone. (My SCs live with us, too - I think if we shared custody, I'd expect a lot more time away without them, so I don't blame you for being frustrated!)

Just to add - I never spent a whole night together alone with my DP (we had one weekend away wih the kids) for the 18 months that we were together. It sucked.

(that should say - "first 18 months")

thanks for your advice. I too am/was an avid traveller, but have put that too one side so that i can be more there for my DP and his daughter. But we havent even spent one bank holiday weekend together in three years, and he doesnt understand why i get cross sometimes. He thinks that it should be okay for us to hang out as a family and that should be enough. But for me it isnt. Okay, i think i need to sort this out before even contemplating moving in together, as for me to live with someone is a real commitment and I want to be sure we are on the same page before i go there. Its very frustrating as there are lots of lovely things about the relationship which i enjoy and love, but we only have a lie in together once every two weeks if lucky and i feel that im becoming a bit of a nag as he doesnt understand that im hungry for couple time! I sometimes feel like i flung myself into the deep end without thinking first. Thanks again.

I think that you are a very sensible lady. Most couples need child free time and it seems that he doesn't..maybe he is just content with the situation but if you are not and he's not listening then it's a problem.

Is this the only problem area in your relationship - is he usually attentive in other areas? I think this is more a relationship issue, rather than a step or parenting issue. It is chicken and egg, you won't commit unless he starts listening and acting, he won't act til you commit..

PS the ONE benefit of separated parenting is that you get child free time. I am very uncomfortable leaving DCs with anyone, even family but if it was the parent I'm completely fine..seems a shame that he isn't using the benefit to enhance your relationships.

PPS, don't compromise too much you will end up resenting him. If you love travel could you book a holiday - maybe one for solo travellers?

sam97, we share some common ground, don't know whether my experiences will help but happy to share and give some advice. I was also in my 30's when I got together with my now DH. We had both been on our own for a long time and were a bit set in our ways - both loved our own time and space. He has 2 DCs - I had none. It was a long time before I really stopped feeling that I was putting more into the relationship than he was - still do sometimes. I was always the one to change my routine or make the majority of the sacrifices. It had been just him and the kids for so long that it was, genuinely, alien to him to consider someone else's feelings when making decisions and any time he missed with his kids genuinely hurt him. We could, and did, talk but it took a long time for words to become actions. The big issue for me, which I think will resonate with you, was that I felt I was loosing myself by making the relationship work. We worked at it though and, some years later, are married and expecting our first kid together.

The first thing I would say to you is to start putting yourself first - outside of the realtionship for now if needs be. I used to travel a lot too so know how liberating it can be. How would you feel about booking a flight somewhere and spending some time apart. Get back to being you and give him (and probably his DD) a chance to miss you. When you get back start building up the time that you spend together - if that's what you both still want to do. Stay over at his house some nights - or have them stay over with you - that would probably be a big adventure for his DD! Get a better idea of what life would be like as a family if you did move in together. I know it doesn't solve the immediate problem but there isn't an overnight fix - unless you are happy to walk away.

How do you get on with his ex? I can understand him not wanting to mess with routines with a 6 year old but maybe mum could 'have plans' one weekend that included DD and freed him up? Hope some of this helps.

I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid. My situation is similar except I have 2 DCs and DP has 1. We have been together 3 years but only managed 1 weekend away (even then he had 'man' flu!!). To complicate matters, he lives with elderly parents and has done since his divorce 8 years ago!! He says he is trying to build up his savings so he can buy his own place but sometimes I think he says this just to keep me quiet!!

I was on my own for four years after ex walked out and in some ways quite independant and his situation just enforces that! I don't know what the answer is either?!?

Apologies OP if I seemed to have hijacked your thread!